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She was in a memory care unit at her retirement community and was able to have her cats. She was there 2 months and fell twice. The second time she broke her hip. She had just broken her other hip 6 months ago. She is considered a fall risk and is now in a nursing home with continuous nursing care. She is obsessed with her cats and is getting very angry and wants them back with her. She cannot have them in the nursing home. How do I tell her she can’t have them with her anymore? She is so angry and doesn’t understand why she can’t have them anymore. She is confused about everything and says she did not break her hip and is perfectly fine. She is fixated on her cats and I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions how to gently tell her she cannot have them anymore? Please help.

She has dementia (and apparently memory impairment as well). Telling her will only result in having to retell her, as she will not remember...and she'll get upset all over again each and every time. This is not the strategy to use.

You daon't say where her cats are now. Maybe it might console her if you took some video of her cats being cared for and looking well. I'd try that first. You can tell her that her doctor needs to approve her going back to MC when she can walk again. Yes, this is a fib: it's called a therapeutic fib and *may* calm her for the time being. If she isn't on any meds for anxiety, agitation, depression this probably now needs to be considered. It's also possible she has developed a UTI which may explain her extra agitation. Consider requesting she get checked for this since antibiotics will clear it up and it may improve her state of mind.

If you are advocating for your Aunt, you may want to consider watching some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you have a better understand of dementia and memory loss. I learned a lot of good strategies to interact with my compromised LOs so that our time together is more peaceful and productive.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Buy her two lifelike cats? I found this on a google search

https://joyforall.com/products/companion-cats?srsltid=AfmBOornwyizGbuCux-dbbxPwcnfJNeuGT44DkXVQAkmRsbMOb3Y3zXl
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Reply to southernwave
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Yes. This is another loss.
But it is a permanent loss and no one has any control over it or any choice in it. You simply tell her they are too severe a danger now both for her and for them, that your mourn this and know she will, that you understand her tears and her rage. It is difficult to stand witness to these sad and terrible losses of mental and physical capability, and lastly of choice. It is quite terrible.
However you did not cause these losses.
And these losses cannot be fixed.
They are facts. Sad facts. Mourn with her, and allow her rage and mourning. If all these losses aren't worth grieving then what exactly IS?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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GenXsandwich Nov 19, 2024
Why bother? She won't remember the conversation and keep asking. She won't work through her grief or rage. Wouldn't it be better to say that they are at the vet's and will come when they are able?
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Most nursing facilities will allow family members to bring in family pets for a visit as long as they are updated on their shots, so why not just bring the cats to visit her once in a while?
That way everyone will be happy.
And it doesn't matter that your aunt is "fixated" on her cats as the rules are the rules. Hopefully her facility is one that will allow her cats to come visit.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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There are some nursing homes that house 'resident' cats. I have personally worked with two facilities to integrate this wonderful practice into their homes. Of course, situations such as severe allergies and/or fear of cats must be identified and may limit where the resident cat may roam. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing a resident petting a lap kitty - kitty purring, resident calming. Just my opinion :-)
Cindi
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Reply to cindileigh
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My dear m-i-l loved her dog. He had to be put down right before she moved out of her home because he had cancer. On Amazon, I found an animated stuffed toy dog that looked enough like Buddy, she was happy. The toy sits on her lap while she strokes it and talks to it. It sleeps with her. She takes it to the dining room in AL on her rollator. It needs 2 batteries. It barks, breathes, eyes move, etc. (Bonus! No dog food purchases, vet bills, or potty accidents on the floor!) I know they also sell cats. The cost was well under $100. Perhaps 2 different toys that look like hers. I hope this helps.
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Reply to KimberlyO
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luckylu Nov 15, 2024
I really love your idea KimberlyO~ I think its very comforting and helpful.
My Mother had a little stuffed rabbit,named Teeg.I put the bunny in her casket.
She had broken her neck and she said that Teeg fit perfect in that space where she broke it ,when she slept at night.
Anyway,I think your answer is very helpful.
And thank you~
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She loves her cats and they giver her great comfort. Is there a possibility a kind person may take them in and occasionally visit?
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Reply to JeanLouise
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So sorry, your Aunt can no longer care for her cats. Having a pet to care for is so rewarding. If possible, would you be able to bring them to visit her? This is very sad....
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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I agree on the Joy for All cats. They are very lifelike and were a big hit at my mother’s memory care unit. Normally around $120, Amazon is running a special deal of $70:

https://a.co/d/80QzJVW

We wouldn’t keep the cat ‘on’ all the time, and the batteries never wore out. You can also turn off the meowing if it’s too much. I know it’s pricey, but I would absolutely get her one of these.
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Reply to Kristen2037
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You don't. You care for them yourself. They are family, Stealing her family is taking away her last reason to live. I am close to her age and my cats are my only value. Some younger relative tries to take them, I don't care how confused I am, I will know, and I will die. So don't take away your mom's only reason to live. It's cruel and heartless.
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Reply to Cattypatti
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ShirleyDot Nov 15, 2024
No one stole her cat family away from her. She is too frail to live alone. They don't allow cats in the nursing home. You are the one being cruel and heartless accusing someone like this who is trying to help her aunt WITH DEMENTIA, whom she loves and doesn't want to see suffer. Stop projecting your own anxiety onto other people. Show some compassion for the humans in this post.
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