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No matter how experienced or talented either of you are in caregiving, you can learn and have good outcomes. Consider having a series of conversations with your husband that lead to creating a plan of care for his dad. Make sure the conversations are always nurturing and never harsh or critical.
1 - Discuss what kinds of help dad needs now. Outline what each of you do to meet dad's needs: bathing, toileting, transfers from bed to wheelchair to chair, dressing and grooming, medications, physical therapy (work those muscles so eventually he can stand/walk better)... Dad should have regular appointments with his doctor(s) and physical therapy to improve his health.
2 - Discuss what type of home life each of you desire. Have discussions about what home life would look if dad was cared for by others versus if dad remained in your home. The goal is that each of you have your basic needs met AND opportunities to meet your social/fun needs. Basic needs are 7-9 hours of sleep every night, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, exercise and time out in the sun, "time off" to take care of your own health needs, and "time off" daily and weekly/monthly to "recharge your batteries" doing things you enjoy with people you enjoy being with.
3 - Discuss which types of care others could provide and research together resources/costs. Consider asking other family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help (home health agency, caregiver, or residential care). If hands on care is difficult, then paid help may be necessary. If there is too much to do, many people in your life may be willing to help with specific tasks: pick up groceries, clean house, do yardwork, sit with dad for a few hours... You may need to create a schedule/calendar that outlines when/how others help.
4 - Have the hard discussion - when dad's needs are beyond everybody's abilities. If dad needs 24/7/365 care where nobody can get enough sleep, reasonably paced meals, or time to take care of themselves... it is probably time for dad to be placed in a residential facility with staff 24/7/365. Together research facilities in your area and decide on which place(s) are acceptable.
If you have these discussions together with all the members of the household, then your caregiving plan will come together.
For the long term, be sure your FIL has a will or trust, POA, and Healthcare Proxy in place. Speak to a well regarded eldercare attorney about filing for Medicaid or Community Medicaid so that your FIL can apply for in-home or long term care if and when he needs it. There is a five year look back in financial assets, so this has to be evaluated now so you can take the financial steps necessary to apply for Medicaid benefits.
Last, and most important, don't let this situation drive a wedge into your marriage. Your husband may be scared and uncertain of how to act and if he senses your resentment, it may result in him avoiding the situation totally. Find the right time when you're both in a good mood to talk about "next steps" - remember that you are a TEAM, and with kindness, support and love - you can resolve this issue and anything else that comes your way. I wish you all the best.
Do know that whatever lovely plan you work out in your own mind, it will go to chaos and quickly. I hope you have been on AgingCare Forum for long enough to learn this, or that you remain here and learn it as you go.
If I know anything, I do know my limitations. Though I was a nurse and I loved it, it was ALWAYS clear to me that I could not do inhome care under even the best circumstances.
Who is taking care of him?
If it's you, then let your husband know that you are not willing to be his father's Caregiver and that while searching out Senior Homes, you will be hiring help and tell hubby it can be paid out of his father's money or ya's money.
Also, check out a couple places and make an appointment and let husband and father in law go with you to visit them.
If husband won't do this then take a vacation and go visit your relatives and let your husband and father in law see how it is when you're not around.
F I L will see how much help he needs and husband will see how much you have to do all day.
It's very hard being a Caregiver and it deffiently can destroy a marriage.
If you have an extra Bedroom, maybe you can hire a Live In.
Prayers
The plan, as I saw it, was to take care of my parents, come what may.
My husband demanded that my ill mother take care of my ill father, by herself, immediately. so his life could return to normal. That response along with his attitude, coldness snd constant smirking, soured my love for him permanently. He was not the person I needed him to be and my love for him, at that very difficult time in my life, died.
You get to decide your plan for yourself—the choices here for you are endless, but these two represent the ends of the spectrum.
One plan is giving (your husband) unconditional love and support and recognizing that he is also suffering right now;
An alternative plan is giving ultimatums and demanding that your husband specify his plan when he is going through a very difficult time.
Any choice you make could have consequences.
Begore you demand that your father-in-law needs to be sent away, be aware that you could be the one who ultimately will start packing.
Sometimes, people ask us to do things without realizing what they're really asking. If they knew the extent of the hardship they are causing, they may not feel as free to ask.
Does your husband help equally with the caregiving, or does it all fall on you? Also, your at home son should be helping as long as he's living in your home rent free?
As long as you are working full time, the caregiving needs to fall on all family members residing in your home.
If the menfolk are required to step up, they may accept the fact that placing FIL in nursing home, or hiring in home care needs to happen.
Caregiving is very difficult work, even when you choose to do it. Having it plopped in your lap, while everyone else goes about their life, is a recipe for depression, hopelessness, abandonment, abuse... just to name a few.
Start setting boundaries by requiring your husband to do at least half of the caregiving duties.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
Understand that your needs are important. ...
Seek out people who value you. ...
Be firm, but kind. ...
Keep your expectations realistic. ...
Be willing to walk away. ...
Keep in mind that you are in charge of what you do. ...
Be direct. ...
Seek to take care of yourself.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members ...
https://copebetter.com › 9-ways-set-boundaries-difficult-f...
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