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Totally agree with Lealonnie and Daughterfo1930 though I admit living my life sans guilt and sadness is a Jedi mind trick I have not remotely mastered. For my mom what I’ve found works best for visits by far is to be involved in an activity. Their exercise classes are best , but whatever is on tap ( walked into a bingo game once! ) is good. The MC where my mom lives has a SAINTED fluffy cat who owns the place and when that cat wanders into mom’s room it is the best, floofiest distraction. Photos worked for a while too, but not so much any more…did I say I LOVE that cat?!!
I need to see mom but also dread the visits, the bday was no exception. At this point I basically psych myself up by thinking of visits as a performance, and I’m doing a military operation and cant’ abandon my post. I just do. My. Job. Crying can happen in the car later. I also make sure to have some evening plan afterwards and/or the next day. Usually this involves having my favorite beer or wine handy and imbibing while watching sci-fi. Not the healthiest option but I’m not a big drinker. The day after mom’s bday I did a short day hike with some neighbors who had moved away….I knew I needed extra for her bday.
Anyhoo that’s how I get through it. Like I said I will not abandon my post but planning ANYTHING simple and nice afterwards is the best way I’ve found to deal. Mom likes the visits so I’m just trying to do the right thing without losing myself. It is very difficult.
Wishing you the best and I hope you do something nice for yourself asap!
It was very hard to see her in the deteriorated condition as the dementia progressed, I agree......but it was also important for me to be there to SEE her and to know if/when I had to advocate FOR her, you know? If something was lacking in her care or if I felt like I had to step in to demand something additional be done on her behalf. I kept in close touch with her PCP and then her hospice nurse which I asked to have ordered for her (twice, actually). So it's important, IMO, for us to stay in close contact with the MC, the staff, and the administration to make sure our mother's are being properly cared for during their residency there. They CAN fall through the cracks otherwise, not always, but it won't happen if we're there and making SURE it doesn't.
I know how hard all of this is, and I know how the worrying doesn't stop once they're placed; in many ways, the work just begins then. Decide how much/how often you want to go visit, and then take a deep breath and just do it. If you decide to visit once a month, then so be it. Don't let 'guilt' keep you bogged down in between visits. That's the key to living a good life, which you deserve to do. You matter too, not just mom.
Good luck!
I have decided recently to try and visit every weekend, but keep the visits to under an hour. If she asks to leave or go somewhere, I am honest and tell her I can't take her. If I can't make it one weekend, I don't worry or feel any guilt.
I would visit at a frequency that works for you. Don't feel obligated to go everyday/week or feel guilty if you can't go. She is safe and being cared for and that is what is important.
My Moms birthday is today. She would have been 94.
I generally only visit once a week.
I become too emotionally drained to do it more than that.
I end up praying out loud in the parking lot, asking God to give me the strength I need to accomplish this visit.
I try and get the caregivers’ names, and use those names when I go into the MC. I look them in the eye, and try and give them a big smile. I want them to know that I know that my mother is a handful, and that I appreciate their work in taking care of her.
I’m a retired teacher. I remember parents who appreciated me and let me know. It gave me extra patience for their children. I think it’s just human nature.
I also bring in treats for the caregivers once a month, and include a thank you card. I know that they appreciate it. I make sure that I bring enough for all three shifts.
Best wishes to you.
I also quite dreaded visits (when in respite care). I was trying to figure out just why that was.
Part of it may be the overhanging feelings from the sheer hard work to get Mom into MC. A thankless task.
Part of it may you had to let go of the Mom you knew.
Another part: depletion. When you have given so much, you get drained. Just not much or nothing left to give. Nothing left to put towards making a new connection with this MC Mom you now have.
I think this state is described as *compassion fatigue*. The treatment is self-care.
I'd agree to short visits.
Especially if the relationship is still one-sided. If she wants something from you each time.
Someone asked me to weigh up these 2 options & choose the least worst one;
* No visits but ongoing Guilt vs
* Dread-Visit-Drained
I suppose, choose your least worst option too?
Hopefully in time, once she settles in, you will find something in common you both enjoy. Others have found this. Sharing old photos, a coffee at the cafe, sitting in the garden.
(I've chosen to visit but less frequently & keep it shorter. No time for 'jobs'. Less draining)
Her utter denial over what was happening to her (which is understandable given Alzheimer's) but even before in setting up financials so that I don't have a mess to contend with later. So aggravating. I think I'm just utterly fed up with dealing with the delusion. Even though you care for this person it's hard to sit with someone and have a circular conversation for longer than 10 minutes. I will definitely get her some flowers and food for her birthday, but I'll play it by ear on Sunday in terms of visiting with her. And I do agree with the other person who wrote in that said my mother has died awhile ago. It sounds so harsh, but it is so true. I can't imagine how holidays will feel going forward.
I still have to go through her entire house and have it painted, repaired and rented. Planning on getting to it as soon as I have my energies restored and maybe more help from my children this summer.
I think I just needed to hear that it's normal and I'm not a terrible daughter/human for feeling this way. And I like your choose the least worst option...hate to say it, but right now I'd go with the guilt. Can't afford any more draining at this point.
What do you think would diminish your guilt (assuming you'd have it)--going up only on holidays or her birthday?
But then, the relationship you had over the years with her and your present feelings about her, you might be able to walk away without guilt...she's safe and cared for.
I did not feel guilty when I stopped visiting, and that was due to our relationship over the years, my anger and resentment and stress, and that she was now safe and under care. And in MC, they can still think you are visiting.
You have no reasons for feeling guilty for not seeing her.