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Adjusting to his new surroundings will take time. It is completely obvious that you deeply care for your husband. You are already supporting him by showing him that you cared enough to want him to be receiving the best care possible.
Wishing you peace as both of you transition into this new situation.
With dementia, it's hard to control what perceptions our loved ones have and which messages get through. The visuals sure won't hurt. Wishing you grace and peace in this hard time, Wicker.
As harsh at it may sound to not visit for a few weeks, there is a method to the madness and honestly it's a win win for all involved, as it gives the person placed to get used to their new surroundings and the new people caring for them and around them. It also gives their loved one time to readjust to their loved one not being at home anymore.
And of course family members can still call the facility any time they want to to check on their loved one, so they're not completely left in the dark for those few weeks.
My only solution so far is to have put his phone next to him with my number on auto-dial. I call him every day many times and just chat for a few minutes to tell him that I love him. Sometimes he calls me but he is getting less and less able to use the phone.
I'm interested in what people here recommend, and what you, Wicker, come up with.
Betskand 7/6/2023
So every day when you see him just reassure him that you love him and that you just couldn't care for him by yourself anymore.
I know that when a loved one with dementia is placed in a facility it is recommended that you stay away for a couple of weeks so they can adjust to their new surroundings and caregivers. Have you done that? If not that is perhaps why he's having such a hard time.
Give your husband time. He will eventually adjust. You take this time now to take care of yourself, so you can get back to just being your husbands loving wife and advocate.
God bless you.
Sadly not everyone adjusts to their new setting. I hope he does and both of you find peace. It is no guarantee though sadly.
Normal or not as someone said --- it is very sad of what happens to some couples / partners when one person needs to move into a facility, and dementia / confusion, fears are activated / increased.
To 'recommend' not to help him thru his grief feels cruel to me. Not sure what that comment was about.
I am sure you feel sad / conflicted, too.
Visit as you wish ... don't see the reasoning to 'keep the visits short' (?) although I realize we all have differing experiences in many ways here.
My recommendation:
Be as present as you can when there.
Touch him
kiss him
make lots of eye contact
Smile
Laugh.
As I did with my friend/companion "I loved him up" as much as I could when with him - he was in two different nursing home for two years ... as the time got closer to his demise, a year, a few months, a few weeks ... I visited more often and was 200% present. I posted lots of photos of me (and me and him) next to his bed, on his table and 'me and Jerry'. He appreciated them. He was bedridden.
Tell him how much you love him.
Some medication might help him adjust.
I wouldn't recommend spending 'too much time' telling his it isn't his fault or anything he did. This likely won't help him much and will re-focus the time you have when there and the quality moments (smile, laugh, kiss him). That is his dementia/confusion 'talking'.
My heart goes out to you.
Self-care is important.
You might start to feel guilty not visiting as often as he'd like (24/7).
You DO need to keep your self together, energy 'up' as much as possible, and get your re-newal time (sleep, exercise, your own friends/outings, adventures), time to meditate and cry.
If it helps, call him as you feel comfortable.
Gena / Touch Matters
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