How do I have a serious discussion with my mom about future care issues when she refuses to discuss it?

Remove the part where you say "but I would help out" because to mom, that means you'll be the primary caregiver. Period.

There is DEFINITELY a reason to discuss it, or at least make YOUR intentions known!

Tell them, in no uncertain terms, as I told my folks, that Assisted Living would be their only option because I would do NO hands on caregiving, nor would we live together. Mom said she'd pay ME the AL monthly rent and I said, "Sorry mom, that won't work for me. I love you but separate living spaces is a MUST."

The end.

My folks went into Independent Senior Living, then AL, then mom went into Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years until she passed at 95. I received no inheritance, but I didn't mind. My folks money was intended to be spent for THEIR care, not my inheritance anyway.

I spent over 10 years doing a TON for my parents, but no living together or hands on caregiving, as I'd intended. They did receive great care in AL, and we ALL had lives as a result.

Do everyone a favor and make your wishes known so nobody can say BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!

You sit down and tell her that she/they need to plan.
Tell her that you will NOT be responsible for taking care of them
You will NOT quit your job
You will NOT move in with them
You will NOT let them move in with you
You will NOT come daily and do household chores for them

You draw your own boundaries and let her/them know what they are.
DO NOT back down.

If she does not believe you that is on her.
To make your point the first time she asks you to do something if you want to do it do it on your own terms, your own time. If you do not want to do it then say NO. Simple 1 word statement.

First of all there's no reason to discuss it.
I always say that the best place for a grown child is 1,000 miles away. I encourage you to move now, and I am not kidding.
You tell us nothing about yourself. How old are you? Do you live well apart from your parents and have your own job and family? Is there some reason you assume that your mother feels you will be involved in their care? Might that reason be that you are ALREADY too enmeshed in their lives given you are grown up long enough to have been well flown from the nest?

If you think it would relieve you tension I would tell your parents that you wish to speak with them one one two and that you have something to say which you wish to say once and once only. This should be in the home of one or another of you. A nice tea or a glass of wine.

Then you tell them simply that you wish to speak, and will be brief. That what you have to say does not now or ever require any response but if they have a response you are always willing to hear it now, or when they have had a bit of time to think. Then you say :

Mom and Dad, You are now 80 and 88. I do not know if the two of you have plans or not for your future and I have no idea of your assets or documents. But I would like you to know that your being of this advanced age has caused me to take stock. I have friends. I have seen and heard worrisome things.
1. I encourage you to make certain that you have solid wills made out and POA designating who you wish to take over your care and management of assets should you for any reason be unable to do so. I encourage you to make an advance directive and discuss your wishes for end of life care with me your daughter.
2. I need to tell you that my limitations are such that I choose never to do in home care, and that I would in fact be of very little help with enabling you to stay in your home when you are no longer able physically or mentally to manage for yourself. I would not be one to be running chores, paying bills, arranging appointments.
I have tried to approach this subject in the past and it is clear to me that it is uncomfortable for you. However, for me it is crucial that you understand my position and that you know that it will not change in future.
I will not be one of those grown children of an age who throws her own life upon the burning funeral pyre of parents who have now lived their lives fully, and I hope very happily.

I will leave you to think about this and discuss it together should you choose, or to ignore it, but remember it when you come to think of me as not a daughter but a potential caregiver. That is NOT going to happen to me. I love you. But I need to be assured that your lack of planning and discussion does not mean that you have drawn conclusions that are not true and that will be harmful to you in future".

Please do know I am open to discussion any time.
Now you can write this and you can instead SAY this. But it is negligent not to do one or the other.
Your parents are, like all of us (I am 81) hoping to die happy with a stomach full of ice cream, in their sleep, together, and go foot first out the door of their home. That is unlikely to be more fruitful than any other magical thinking hopes we make throughout our lives. They may tell you they know push will come to shove and understand you won't be a caregiver, but aren't ready to make other plans. If that's the case it is something you must accept. You will have said your piece. It is up to YOU to stick to it.

If your mother laughs it off and refuses to discuss making any care plans for her and your father, you tell her these words plainly.

I WILL NOT be your old age care plan. If you think I'm not serious, you'll learn the hard way how fast I'll let the state take over and place you in a nursing home when your health fails or you take a fall.

Then tell her that unless she is willing to work with you now by getting necessary things like POA and a Will done, you don't want her in your life until she's willing to be cooperative and get these most important things done with your help.

Also let her know in plain language that not getting these things done and refusing to put anything in legal writing will not be an insurance policy guaranteeing that you will keep her and your father out of a "home". Many old people do this because they think it does. It does not. Their families or the state places them anyway if there were no care plans made in advance and carried out when they need them.

I keep trying to have this conversation with my husband about his 86 year old brother who lives alone 2 hours from us. His brother did make out a will and named my husband POA, but that is not what I am talking about. What does he want when he can no longer live on his own? My husband says...we don't talk about that stuff. I spent 17 years managing my father. I don't ever want to do that again. I expect to have to do that for my much older husband someday and I am fine with that but I'm not doing this for anyone else. Part of me thinks my husband expects I will guide him through all this. I just don't want to be involved at all. I'm happy to lend a hand here and there but I don't want to be responsible for managing another person like this ever again. And it makes it all the worse that everyone seems to be sticking their heads in the sand.

I pushed this conversation for the past 5 years or so, when my parents were in their mid 80's. No real engagement. All was ok. Push it under the rug. I lived 1000 miles away. I Just came to visit every few months. My older dad hinted at needing help. I asked for specifics . none given. Then the storm hit. He had a stroke at 92 and all of their vulnerabilities were exposed. It completely disrupted my life. And their's, of course. We are still in it. They are in their 90's. After much work, worry, and angst and good financial planning on my father's part, they now have 24/7 care at home. For now. Its a constant worry about caregivers and finances and how I will live my life in the context of theirs, for the next few years. I feel trapped. Don't let it happen to you. Push the conversation. I wish I would have. Know what their resources are. Push for what they planned. And have a plan. That doesn't include you as caregiver. I told them I could not be the caregiver, they agreed but they never really formulated a back up plan. It all got dumped in my lap to sort out. It got sorted but with LOTS of worry and effort. Try to get ahead of it. You are right to plan ahead. check out the local nursing homes, ALF, family, friends who have been through it. It did. Some are helpful. Some not. I don't have much family support so that it a negative. But its better to know it than find out in a crisis. This support group has been very helpful.

You must tell Mom and Dad that if they want their wants and wishes met they must plan.

A Will saying how they want their estate handled. If there is no Will the State gets involved. Do they really want that?

POAs are tools to help them and yes to make things easier for you. Again, puts their wishes in writing. Again, no POA means the State may take over. Someone other than you taking over their lives. And, again, you will not be their Caregiver.

I just had a thought. Why can we children not have a document made up saying "This is to inform my parent/s that I will not be their hands on Caregiver when the time comes they need help. They need to make plans concerning what they will do when they can no longer care for themselves and/or the home they live in. Meaning, they can no longer clean, cook, mow the grass, or afford to pay someone to do so. They realize this is not the responsibility of their children or any other family members. At that time, they will downsize to independent living, Assisted Living or Memory Care. Whatever is appropriate for their needs. If its possible for them to stay in their home with the help of aides, they do so at their expense. The following should be put in place. Not doing so may mean the State taking over their care. DPOA, Medical Proxy, updated Will and codicils."

Signed by child
Signed by parent/s (not a have to)
Notarized

I hate the "you never told me" nonsense (as mentioned in lealonnie1's response).

I would write it up in a brief, bulleted document (large print edition). Make sure to include something about them assigning a PoA so that "someone" can manage their affairs. Maybe also what happens if they never do this (court-assigned legal guardianship). Then ask them to read it in your presence and they sign and date it. Maybe even video them doing it. Make a copy for yourself, and leave them the original. They might even snigger and make comments while doing it, but so what. Tape it to their fridge. If you have siblings, you may even want to email them a copy so they aren't blindsided and have time to process this info. They may not like it either, but again, so what. Then when the time comes and they reach out because they don't have help, tell them you're allowing them to have the sunset years they planned for.

The talk #1. (I'm now calling it the Hard Chat after my favorite quiz show Hard Quiz)

A Councellior told me it takes AT LEAST 6 sit down chats to even get the idea started. Some are in deep denial & it takes ANOTHER 6 or so to get heard, then ANOTHER 6 or so to get action.

I was like 😱😭😫

And yes I found it was TRUE.

After 6 or so times, one parents said Are you STILL going on about about that stuff?
Yes. Yes I am.
Are you still aging in place with no paperwork or plans?
Yes. Yes you are.

I very much like Alva's chat scrip reply. To increase your sanity & reduce your bordom I would simplify over the course of this project, in case it does become overly drawnout.
1. Get your paperwork DONE.
2. I am not, nor ever will be, your Nursing Home.

Or, you can take a leaf out of a Doctor's rant book (I overheard this yelled, yes YELLED at a patient once): "As I've told you for MANY years now - Choose your nursing home or your family will." 😜

This is one of the best posts I have seen, out of the many great ones! This is one of the hardest things to do but so necessary. Unfortunately, I tried and was unable to have a successful discussion with my parents. Until I was left holding the bag, so to speak. Then it was several years of juggling care and getting important paperwork in place. It was a huge headache. I like the letter to the parents. Wish I’d thought about that.