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Now mother is in a nursing home and she has become very involved because we have to sell her belongings and the house. She comes down and starts claiming an abundance of expensive items of my mother's. When I explained to her the proper way to handle things she did not like it. We ended up having a meeting with the attorney who told her the legal way to handle things. She stomped out of the meeting.
She is 100% involved in claiming what she wants. It is extremely frustrating because of all of the mental and physical drain this has all taken on me.
It is my understanding that there is at least one sibling in every family who is like this. I have received a lot of advice, but the one that sticks out in my mind,is that I will simply have to let it go. The sibling is not going to change. There is nothing I can do other than make decisions in the best interest of my mother. Am I bitter? Yes. The advice is to let it go. Do what needs to be done and walk away. If that means that you have to disconnect from that sibling then you do what is best for your own Mental Health.
If you have health issues of your own, and are unable to take care of your loved one, then you need to start taking steps to find them a nursing home or assisted Care Facility. Most of us on this forum are in our 50s. This kind of stress takes a huge toll on our bodies both mentally and physically. We have to take care of ourselves. Many of us have children and grandchildren that we would like to enjoy. We are not professionals, we are loved ones. The professionals know exactly how to handle our loved ones and are able to separate the emotional aspect. Please consider this if you have health issues. It is okay to walk away from caregiving in order to care for yourself. I absolutely wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you a long healthy life.
Their case was different, but shares aspects. My response to Daughterof1930 covers the anger issues (been there, done that!)
Also I'm hoping your dad has all his legal ducks in a row: assigned you as durable PoA, created a living will, healthcare directive, will, or trust, etc. He MUST have this in order or later on it could get very messy and unnecessarily so. I wish you all the best and lots of good times with your dad.
So, how have I handled this? By myself. I count on no one for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t WANT their help. Don’t do me any favors, you know? Live in your $400,000 condo, travel the world and don’t worry about your brother and me. I’ll let you know when he passes away, and you can ignore me then, too. Yes, I internalize the anger I feel. But it doesn’t change the fact that whatever needs to be done is up to me. I simply just deal. You can’t force people to do what they don’t want to do.
I had to go no contact in order to survive. Do I miss my family? That’s hard to say if I were to be really honest. I miss the idea of having a family. I don’t miss the agony. I feel relief.
You are perfectly normal to feel as you do. Don’t bottle it up like I did. Honor your feelings. There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel. We all process things differently. Don’t compare yourself to others too much. We are individuals and you need to figure out what works for you. The anxiety, depression, anger and resentment was killing me. I needed help. I was doing everything alone for so long.
I love this forum. I received great advice. There are various opinions though and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I did benefit from one on one therapy to help reach important decisions.
Go speak to someone. I ended up in therapy. I should have gone sooner than I did.
My mom pitted us against each other. My brothers and I were not all that close so I was used to them not being involved. It was the awful criticism when my mom stirred the pot if she didn’t get her way.
I don’t know your specific details and it’s none of my business. Whatever is going on, I sincerely hope things improve somehow, some way for you. Best wishes.
Slowly - much too slowly- we are beginning to face the reality that “unpaid” “women’s” work is everybody’s work: if mom & pop both work outside the home, then they BOTH do their share in the home. This is a hard won battle that isn’t over yet. We have to win that “war.”
Additionally, it must be recognized that ONE person can and should
NOT do it all. We all have a right to a life, even if our elderly need help & care. We need to push for further resources; affordable caregiving that supplements what we can/ should do. Medicare & Medicaid need to be expanded to provide these necessities. In an overpopulated world, government must play a role and provide this help - more than is available now.
Lastly, we who have had this responsibility dumped on us must learn to say no and draw the line. Often aging parents want a particular child to do everything; this is neither realistic nor doable, even.
I wish you luck: I’ve been there and survived, but not without a toll on my mental & physical health.
Things are changing; I hope they will in time for you!
1. We are not living in 'back in the day'
2. Many of us *must* work, not just do work
3. Some of us are not physically capable of the care-giving needed
4. Since many are living longer, those of us falling into this care-giving role are now seniors ourselves!
My dad's younger brother lived with his mother until she passed away.
My mother and her sisters took turns having their mother live with them, many months at a time. My parents were probably in their 50's at the time, and my grandmother was mobile with no dementia. She was EASY to care for! She was gone before my parents retired and they had a LONG and WONDERFUL retirement together!!!
About the time I realized my mother was starting down the dementia path, she was still living in her own condo and could *mostly* functional, but I was still working then. Both brothers were also working, one not local. I had to take on some duties, esp when we took her car away. Not too long after, I was laid off my job. Sure, it gave me more time to help, but it was costly and with no income, plus 1.5 hrs each way to her place, yeah, fun.
For a variety of reasons (age, physical ability, etc) there is no way I could physically care for my mother. BOTH brothers, when they found out the cost of care during first AL tour, said for that amount THEY would take her in!!! YB is still under retirement age, so he wouldn't be there all day and OB is NOT someone you would want to care for your dog while you are away!
So, the best solution was putting her savings to work, finding the nicest place near to where I live and move on from there. OB will likely never visit again (it's been almost 2 years since he was last here, and he "didn't know what to do with her" when he did visit!) I really don't think YB visits much, if at all. Mom doesn't even ask about either one now, but still knows who I am! When I texted him to say today might be the last chance for a visit as they will likely order restricting visitors tomorrow, his reply was he was back and forth about it, thinking perhaps he might have the virus... well, we've been hearing about this for WEEKS - did you not consider visiting back then???? AND you think EITHER of these two should be mom's primary care-givers?
So, the holier-than-thou crowd, FLUFF OFF! =^..^=