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I don't give them a free pass to continue to abuse me because they are old and sick. No excuse for abuse.
Coming, from a family of narcissists the solution for me is cut off the ones I don’t need to deal with and work behind the scenes for the only one I need to deal with, my mother. I’m her medical POA so I handle all that but I think her dementia is bad enough she doesn’t even realize it. I’ve let them suck me back in a couple times but have learned the stress is too much. It’s a relief not to deal with them once you get over the misplaced guilt for how you are” supposed to deal with family” that does not work with narcissism.
Its not easy but you’ve tried to deal with it your whole life. If possible get professional help so you have the tools you need.
Dementia or no dementia, don't stand for the abuse. If that means backing away, so be it. Protecting yourself is self-care, which is a good thing.
While some may give the "put up, shut up, offer it up" advice (I'm glad no one has done it on this thread), I believe in the leaving to preserve yourself method of dealing with this kind of behavior.
My mother used to have what I called crying/shaking/shaming/blaming fits. And sometimes she would say things like how I was always a nasty person, that I was "wrong in the head," that I was trying to steal from her, that I didn't do anything for her, my time wasn't worth anything, etc.
She was losing her filters, but I think she'd never really liked me. Of course I was the only local sibling, and had to take the verbal abuse that my out-of-town brothers didn't. But towards the end, when she was still living in her condo, even they got treated to some outbursts.
My stomach would clench whenever it happened, and I felt something just go dead inside of me. And I'd feel very stressed. Well, some would say go to a therapist. (And of course most of them just want to put people on meds.) And I'd have to be paying not-cheap copays for something I didn't think would be worth it. So my method was just to withdraw from the scene and try to see her as little as possible (and do physical exercise).
When my mother was hospitalized for 17 days, I spent most of the days there (I did not spend the night). When one of my brothers came, I told him I could not keep this up without compensation. He readily agreed to it, and even offered to pay me for the past two years. I jumped on that offer, and so was paid back-pay from an estimate of those hours, and kept track of the hours going forward. $20/hour. He was one of the POA brothers, and neither of the other two complained, because THEY weren't about to do what I had done or was doing.
Once I was being paid, I dealt with things better, because I saw it as a job. When I'd mentioned compensation one time, my mother disgustedly told me, "You don't pay FAMILY!" Ah, but you also don't expect one family member to do it all, either. She never knew I was being paid.
saundie, I'm sorry for the hurt your mother continues to inflict on you.
You have the perfect set up to change this pattern though. You wont change her but you can change it from within you, take her power away. Since she has 24/7 caregivers you are free to have the contact YOU want with her. You are already providing all the care she needs and can supervise that from your home in TX, you can also manage her appointments, meds and other things from that distance if you choose so making the trip every 2 weeks is your choice not just for her but for you. You love and care about your mom, mean or not she has some redeeming qualities after all she raised you and even if you think it's guilt that has you caring for her there is no guilt without caring so I would never tell you to just walk away and let her fend for herself rather I want you to believe that you are taking care of her simply by making sure her basic needs are met and she is safe. You have gone several steps further and see to it that she is cared for in her own home and my guess is very comfortable so when she complains about something you are or aren't doing think about what she has thanks to you that so many others don't. Money or not without you overseeing things she would likely be in a very different situation. So when you make visits to see her, take her to appointments etc and she starts pulling her verbal abuse you can just leave the room without having to worry about it because she has caregivers watching out for her. Choose not to fight, choose not to listen as long as she's being cruel and leave the room as soon as your radar tells you it's time. If she follows, leave the house and find something else to do and if she asks or complains simply tell her it didn't feel like anything productive was going to be said so you chose to give you both a time out rather than waste time arguing. If she starts to pick these fights when you have to take her to an appointment (thinking she has you captive) it's probably time to make other arrangements for getting her to appointments as a back up or even as a primary for a while to see if she prefers you taking her or the caregiver. You should be able to set up communication with the doctor and even have the caregiver who takes her get you on Facetime or something to be part of the appointment when the doctor comes in so you remain up on what's happening but you don't have to subject yourself or Mom to the negativity and stress if that's what she's going to create when you are there physically. I wouldn't argue with her about it I would simply say since our going alone together doesn't seem to work (your never happy with me) I made other arrangements for this appointment to see if it works better.
Do you have siblings? I am making the assumption that you have the legal ducks in order and hold POA/DPOA, MPOA etc for your mom. Are there other family members involved?
My son, who is a senior in high school out of state, deserves his mom (and only living parent) to be present for his football games and other activities. I am still blown away how Mom and my brother have never considered the affect this has on my son. He’s at a boarding prep school but we still saw each other more often than now. I have a lot of resentment over it, however, my brother is running our family business and my sister in law’s parents both have dementia. I’m it, unfortunately. We are blessed to be able to have 24/7 care, but I know her medical history much better than they do. I also end up scheduling repairs because I’m the only one who seems to notice!
I do believe Mom has some mental disorders that she has always had.
I remember thinking at 3 & 4 years old that she was very unsure of herself and didn’t stand up for herself until pushed to the edge. I decided very young, I would be brave and bold when someone was manipulating or pushing me. My parents were from a different era where most women were housewives and didn’t really have a say so about much. It infuriated me that she didn’t speak up, so I had no trouble telling anyone what I thought including them. This has taught me a lot about myself and aging in general, so I will put myself in assisted living before I lose the ability to think straight. I will NEVER allow my son to go through what I have. Thank you for your wisdom and advice, you are most appreciated. Blessings to you.