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I have guardianship and conservatorship of my parents. i live out of state. I will be traveling to their home to transport them to assisted living in another state where my sister lives. They both have dementia and are insistent they aren't moving. they refuse in-home care. They are not safe living on their own

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Tell them they are coming for a visit or a holiday, don't mention moving at all. If that doesn't move them then fib - tell them there is a planned power outage or road work or you need to tent the house for termites or whatever might convince them they need to leave "temporarily".
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Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses. I may be using the incorrect term when I say "assisted living." The place we have found for them does have memory care.
I worry that they will not be calm or cooperative, so medical transport won't be an option. I like the idea of telling them it's just temporary. My sister and I will both be driving them (we are taking them to her city) so I'm hoping we can handle it between the two of us. I expect some anger and perhaps verbal abuse but nothing physical. We are in communication with the senior living place and they are aware it's likely to be a hostile situation. At least they will be together.
Thanks again everyone.
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DrBenshir Mar 11, 2024
So you are taking them for a visit to your sister! Her house is being renovated and they are staying in a senior hotel nearby.
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Does your guardianship/conservatorship apply across state lines? Be sure of any issues before moving day.

Make sure the facility admins know they may be uncooperative in moving, or you are using a "therapeutic fib" (so that they can play along).

Consider moving 1 person per day, if it comes to this.

Are either of them on medication for depression, anxiety or agitation? If not, maybe this is something that can happen beforehand with their primary doctor.

Medical transport will only work if your parents are calm and cooperative. You will need to have a Plan B in case it doesn't go well.

I wish you success in getting them moved!
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BurntCaregiver Mar 11, 2024
@Geaton

Guardianship/conservatorship is not depend on what state a person is in. Taking the parents 'across state lines' is nothing. The legal conservator/guardian can take them anywhere they want.

If it's court done it applies in all 50 states. Like a divorce decree. If you're legally divorced, it's legal everywhere.
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How many states are we talking? Like Rhode Island to Connecticut or Florida to Oregon type move? You’ll need professionals if it’s a long drive.
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Hire medical transport.
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You've been given several excellent suggestions in previous posts here. I would like to just add two extra precautions if you are using your own car for the move: Have a second person they know (preferably a family member) along in the front seat with you. They can handle any issues that arise without compromising your driving safety. They can also stay with one pare t if you need to accompany the other for a bathroom break. Have your parents sit in the back seat, so that you can use the child safety locking feature to keep them from opening the back doors and leaving the car when you are stopped (e.g. traffic light, gas station, etc.) Best of luck!
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Please be careful if transporting them in a private car.

My mother tried to wrest he steering wheel from my husband while we were driving her from rehab to Assisted Living.
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How is their memory? If they have very short term memory, I’d try out a few diffeeent things by telephone in advance to see which they respond to best. My mom wasn’t willing to move but she was willing to go to rehab and to visit my house. I don’t do therapeutic lies, I use strategic truth…meaning I tell the truth, just not the whole truth. I told my mom she was coming to my house “for a while”. She meant it to be a day or two, I meant it was indefinite. 11 months later, she was ready for round the clock care I couldn’t give so she went to rehab for “at least a couple of weeks”. She has no concept of time so she never thought she was there more than a day or two. Eventually, she needed to move to memory care and was actually ope. Yo living close to a friend of hers but in another building. The friend is there but has no dementia so she is in assisted living and mom is in memory care. She thinks she is in the hospital but that is what keeps her happy; thinking she is going home.

You know them best; what will they accept? Whatever it is, use words that calm them. Remember, their idea of senior facilities is horrible places where people go to die.
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harrietkerr: Use a medical transport.
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Take them on a day trip, to lunch, etc. Get them tired.
Meanwhile, have someone arrange their new home in the manner of their old home arranging furniture in the same place, pictures on the wall in the same place etc. When you return from the day trip use sentences like... oh aren't you glad to be home, oh I'm so glad to be in your home its so nice. The ol' place is looking good. Wow how you have taken such good care of this home. I love coming home and seeing this place. This is how a friend of mine transferred his MIL to a memory care facility.
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