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"alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, and incontinence."
and:
"There is no chance of talking about it."
Her husband is no longer capable of having a reasoned discussion that would require him to have empathy for her. This is what dementia does to people.
Some people with dementia get hypersexual.
If it's a yes then the advice of showering together is good.
If it's a no then you don't have to shower or no shower
But I also had other ideas.
What if you told him the doctor says he has to shower before sex since older couples are prone to UTI's ?
Or ...Do you think he would shower before sex if you showered along with him ?
Would you be comfortable with that? Or maybe not, if you think he would likely refuse washing once you got in the shower and he would want to immediately "get busy" ? Only you know what you are comfortable with. You also know your husband , we don't.
It's also Ok to totally give it up and say 'No" if/when you would rather abstain completely. That's up to you. If I was in your shoes, I would probably just say No and try to distract him since he's at the point that his inability to understand leads to arguments. But again, I'm not you and I don't know your husband. Only you know what is best for you.
Regarding showers in general, you could try hiring a male aide to come a few days a week. Also if you haven't already done this .....try telling him "It's time to take your shower" rather than asking him to take a shower.
Good luck.
You are both in your seventies so with his incontinence and other unpleasant behaviors due to his dementia I would just stop having sex with him altogether at this point.
Just simply say "No"
You matter too, please don't forget that in your quest to care for him!
I think you need to make it clear you aren't going to bed with a dirty man. Not literally dirty, anyway.