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I think it's time for Grandma to be placed. She is beyond the realm of amateur care
The personal care us harder, we git the incontinence team in, who provided the pads.. we bought kylies for her bed, they absorb the pee in her bed and we would whip them of the bed and into washing machine, when she was distracted. We would do this with her clothes also.. if she thought she was going out, she would change her clothes, so we would call round and take ger for coffee etc, thus then gave us a chance to help wash her...but its blumin hard..you have to be mentally strong to take the abuse..but they don't mean it, they don't remember once it has been done
2. Put out clean towels and clothes for her to see.
3. Have a bench in the shower stall.
4. Hand held sprayer is helpful
4. Liquid soap and a scruffy and a bath toy for fun
4. Don't ask, just lead her in.
5. At night put an Always pad in her underpants
6. Put a Chux on her bottom sheet.
7. You can hire a home care person who will know just what to do. 1-2 hours a day for 3-5 days a week.
8. Reward with hugs and compliments.
I'll just tell you now that there is no amount of talking, suggesting, threatening or pleading that's going to make your grandmother decide to bathe.
The only solution is to take the bull by the horns and put her into the tub or shower and wash her. The verbal abuse is hard to take, so maybe hiring someone who is not going to be triggered by her verbal rantings is the best option.
At night, put her on a bed pad - either disposable or washable - put her into some depends or other pull-up with a night time pad inside that that should cut down or eliminate the pee ending up all over the bedding.
We had a marvelous helper who he established a rapport with. She was able to convince him to shower. He did not want her to actually wash him but she helped him get in and out of the shower and he at least did some sort of personal hygiene. Wasn’t the best but it was better than nothing.
We just placed my MIL in a care facility and they still have trouble with bathing her. She tends to fight them to the point where she is hitting, kicking and digging her nails into their skin. We never physically tried to get her into the shower. She prefers baths and was getting stuck in the tub.
Clean the house anyway.
Let her do the same thing when it's time to wash up. If you have to force her into the shower, do it. You may need to hire some homecare to help with this.
I did homecare for a long time and have had more elder than I can count who would pee or crap all over themselves and refuse to be washed up.
Always try the diversion tactics, coaxing, and the promises of special treats first. They may do the trick. They may not.
Sometimes a little intimidation is required to get done what must get done.
Yell right in her face as loud as you can if you have to. I know this sounds harsh and cruel because it is.
Believe me a person recovers a lot easier from hurt feelings and a few tears then they do from a UTI, skin breakdown, or sores because they are left in their own filth.
Your grandmother is out of it with dementia. Try to think of her like dealing with a child.
Lots children have to be forced to take a bath. Or do their homework. Or eat their vegetables. Same thing with dementia.
The soft voice, engendering trust, and having the client assist in the washing up tactics are great and sometimes they work in getting an elderly person to get cleaned up. Most of the time they don't.
Do you not think that the OP and everyone else involved with the grandmother's care have not tried everything you're saying time and time again?
You got lucky with your dementia client. Lucky that the stubbornness, nastiness, and fighting could be overcome by a soft voice and some nice manners. Most of the time that leads to nowhere.
Elders with and without dementia can often behave like children throwing a tantrum. When such is the case treating them as such usually works.
Being left filthy and sitting in one's own mess is not an option because a person not in their right mind doesn't care for showering, bathing, or washing.
Caregivers have to be strong and in this line of work. Sometimes we need to have a bit of a mean streak in order to give effective care and get the job done.