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I am caring for my mother Leticia, who is 59 years old, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, diabetes, and stroke.
Because very, very few men or women want to cohabitate with an elder suffering from dementia at 59 years old with the prospect of spending the next few decades of their significant other preoccupied with her care. And their home looking and smelling like a nursing home. What may have seemed tolerable in theory no longer feels tolerable in reality, as would be the case for most. You'd like your bf to be more supportive, but you need to acknowledge his feelings too. A threesome doesnt normally work in a romantic relationship because there's no privacy, either.
If you are going to care for mother for life, you may have to end this relationship with your current bf. Try to find someone who is ok...in reality.....with the 3 of you cohabitating.
Or agree to place mom in a Skilled Nursing facility with Medicaid if and when her care becomes too much for you. She cannot live alone with these disabilities, obviously.
Good luck to you.
No one.
Your primary relationship is with mom, and you've made that clear. Boyfriend could find a woman who puts him first, and he probably will.
Perhaps you should rethink this and rehome mom.
I cannot, myself, blame him. This isn't something I would do; it would be a deal breaker for me.
You have said you have no intention of not living with your mother, so I would part amicably and try to remain friends.
While you may not understand how he FEELS, you do understand his intentions.
You cannot change other's feelings and choices.
Get her name on some lists for handicapped housing and she will get whatever homecare aides she needs. Being on SSI, there are no assets so the state pays for everything.
If her health is not well enough for her to live independently in a handicapped housing option, then she will have to go into a long term care facility. Once again, Medicaid will pay for it.
I really don't think your boyfriend agreed to have your mother with multiple health problems both physical and mental, living with him and you until she dies. He sounds like a nice guy who agreed to your mother coming temporarily until she got approved for SSI. You do know that SSI is for people who are disabled but did not work and pay taxes for ten years so don't qualify for regular SSD (Social Security Disability). I am assuming that she had no income (or was possibly on welfare) before getting approved for SSI. So your boyfriend did a good deed and let her come too. I'm sure he did not mean permanently.
She has income now and it's time for other arrangements to be made for her.
You can't expect your boyfriend to allow this situation to continue indefinitely. Your mother is only 59 so you must be pretty young yourself.
Sit down with your boyfriend and have a talk. If the two of you want to build a life together, your mother has to go. If you're notwilling to do that, then let him go so he can find someone to build a life with and you can take care of your mother until oen of you dies.
You are not married to BF and he knew your commitment to your Mom when he moved in, so he may not be the man for you.
If you were in a committed marriage then the majority on this forum would probably say your husband (and future children) are your priority. Which doesn't mean you don't love and help your Mom... supporting her will just take on a different form. You need privacy for you and your partner, and for you to not be drained from caregiving and possibly working another actual paying job. This may not be the case now -- but it will be as your Mom ages and requires more and more care. That being said, it is not right if your Mom only had YOU as her retirement plan. That is poor planning on her part. If she doesn't see the need for her to be as independent from you as possible, then she is also clueless and selfish. Did she move her Mother in and become her 24/7 caregiver? I bet not.
There are other solutions for your Mom -- you just need to be flexible and accepting of them (and so does she). You can connect her with social services for her county to discuss needs and even Section 8 (affordable) housing. The longer your Mom can be independent from you, the better. Also, you cannot be paying for her support. It's not fair to you and your future, and not fair to anyone you plan to commit to. You are her solution for everything, and this will never stop being a problem in your life.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you consider your next move.
I mean WTF??? Who in their right mind would want that kind of living arrangement, especially someone who's not even married?
Has your mom actually been diagnosed with dementia at the age of 59? And if she has been, that would mean that it's early onset Alzheimer's and could go on for 20+ years. Do you honestly think that you're prepared to care for her when she gets combative, becomes incontinent both ways, loses her ability to communicate, and falls all the time?
You are WAY too young to be giving up your life to be taking care of your mom.
You need to get a real job that will help you pay for your future, and your own future care.
And if you're truly wanting a man in your life, you may have to rethink the taking care of your mom until she dies thing, as I can't think of any man that would want to share his girlfriend with her mom for any length of time let alone 20+ years(and of course if mom doesn't have dementia it could be 40+ years).
You have to decide what is more important to you....caring for your mom until she dies many years down the road or having a man who you can share your life with and perhaps start a family with, and love and cherish till death do you part.
I don't believe you can have both, so you will have to decide which is more important, and who is more important....you or your mom.
Best wishes in making the right decision.
I keep thinking about the poster that had his girlfriend who became his wife tell him the same thing. He is in the process of getting divorced, because he is not going to forsake his life to prop up a situation that only gets worse with the progression.
So sad that parents expect this from their children, proof to me that they don't and never did care about their progeny. Nothing but a tool to serve their purposes, quite shameful really.
In that case the husband comes first. In this case, there is not a marriage bond.
I do see BFs point. I would not like it either. So like the other lady you have to make a choice. You either have to be the supportive GF now, or the supportive daughter. No right choice.
I asked what happened to so and so , I liked her. He said her life was to complicated, her mom lived with her and that's not what he wants in his life. At least he had the guts to admit it, and not get into a long relationship with her hoping it will change.
I think you have a lot of thinking to do about what you want in life. Do you want a relationship, even if you find someone that accepts it, it will most definitely cause stress in your relationship. Or do you want to take care of your mom.
There is no right or wrong in this. You need to do what's best for you! Not your mom and not the bf, for you. As long as taking care of your mom is not done out of obligation and guilt, because then you will have resentments to your mom.
Best of luck
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