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Your MIL has dementia. In the short term, nod and smile, pat her hand and say "there, there" and remind your husband - should he look troubled about what she tells him - that she has dementia. Don't argue, don't correct her, and pick your battles with care.
In the medium to long term, and I know this isn't what you asked but, if you want to go on loving your MIL do not move in to her home. Sell her home and use the money to find the best continuing care facility you can. This is equally vital if you and your husband would like your marriage to survive.
What other choices have you looked into?
Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging and asked for a "needs assessment"? Have you asked them what MIL's eligibility for various needs based programs is? Have you applied for Medicaid for her?
Until you know what her demonstrated level of need is (assessed by a professional) you can't assess the choices.
If you had asked ME if my mother could afford Assisted Living at the time it became obvious that she could no longer live alone at home, I would have looked at the monthly price and gasped. My SIL, with cooler head and an MBA said "that's quite doable". So, never say never.
Call for the assessment tomorrow; they often take several weeks to schedule; and make sure that YOU are there so that MIL doesn't exaggerate her competencies, or the extent to which her family is willing to help.
The best case scenario, I think, is the one in which you are able to return to work and visit as a loving DIL, not a stay at home drudge.
The way to see MIL's situation differently is to take yourself out of the equation. What would be the possibilities if you weren't there?
Before y'all make any more permanent moves, please reconsider all your options! If you're feeling a little trapped now, that's only going to get worse as the months and years drag on. I missed a great deal of my oldest's senior year and transition to college because we were in the throes of moving the in-laws to our town. We are also a homeschooling family, and I absolutely LOVE that. However, our youngest children's education was suffering because I now have extra duties, so we have chosen to send them to the elementary school down the street. None of these things are "bad" choices, but they are compromises from how we envisioned our family. I find I have to actively fight against resentment sometimes.
My husband was adament that his parents have their own space, and I am so very thankful that he never pressured me to live with them. He's a wise man -- that would not have ended well!! I'm thankful that when the screaming starts, I can walk home. I'm thankful that I can parent my children without MIL's constant interference. I'm thankful that I can relax when I sleep or clean or cook, knowing that they are NOT in my living room watching TV at full volume. There is no way I would want either of them living with me. I *might* be able to handle my quiet, docile FIL, but all the activity in our house confuses him and makes him anxious. MIL?? NO. WAY. She is incredibly selfish, sees people only as a means to get what she wants or entertain her, and never stops talking. Maybe I'm too selfish?? But at least I'm self-aware enough to know that I do not have the capacity to take on that level of crazy!!
If y'all do decide to continue living together, please put some support systems in place to protect your marriage and your relationship with your children. Counseling, support groups, respite, hired caregivers, etc. Staying married while raising a busy family is tough enough without the added pressure of caring for an aging parent. Tomorrow is our 24th anniversary. With lots of honesty, grace, and humor, were looking forward to another 24+!!
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel with placing her in a facility? Can you hang on until she goes? If you face having to care for her for a matter of a year or more, you may want to consider a local support group. Don’t turn down help from hubby or even the kids. Don’t be a hero. Get out by yourself. Go have coffee with a friend or alone. Go out with the kids. Whatever you do, don’t lose yourself. Good luck!
Moving in with and attempting to care for an oppositional elder with dementia on your own is a recipe for disaster.
Go back to my earlier post and take the steps outlined.
Why does the fact that you rent make a difference? I fail to see the significance of that.
Trying to find an outside support group isn't easy, the mean reason is that so many caregivers cannot find the time to attend such meeting, plus find a babysitter for their love one while they are at the meeting. Check with your local Agency on Aging, they might have a list of caregiving groups.
If your MIL's mental state is such that she can't find her way home from familiar places or remember to take her meds and/but she believes herself to be competent, your husband needs to apply for guardianship because she can't give him power of attorney. He will then be able to sell her house and use those assets to find her long term care until the money runs out.
If he is imagining that once you're all tucked up in the bigger house everything will be fine... he needs to imagine again.
not letting a cleaning lady in,to forgetting to eat ,to smoking two cartons every two weeks.In the end my sister weighed 70 lbs.
I finally got hold of the POA PAPERS FOR HER HEALTH & PROPERTY
went to the bank & while she could still sign for me to be joint on her bank account — got that all done .Her neighbour & best friend talked her into doing that.She wanted her friend to be POA .
that was at least 4 years ago.I ended up having to place her in the hospital & giving her house back to the bank ,paid off her bills she had .She now is in a nursing home contented ,happy & not alone.
I could never have ever taken care of her or have her live with my husband & son. My sister is only 73.She worked as a health aid
& when placed in the nursing home thought she was still working.
If possable don’t move in with your mother inlaw.Get your husband to get her to sign papers for him to take care of her as she gets worse.It will make things go smoother in the end.Just my thoughts only!
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