How do I deal with a controlling daughter-in-law?

All I know is my own experience. My husband felt he owed it to his mother (he felt guilty for having been a handful as a kid). So against the strong advice of his brother and sister, we had her move in with us. That 6 years almost cost us our decades long marriage. She was completely unappreciative of what we were giving up and felt entitled. His sister finally rescued us by having her go to a big resthome with lots of attendants and activities while we went away on vacation. My SIL made sure she never came back (told her she could no longer navigate the 40 plus stairs down to the house, not really a lie either) and as upset as she was she got used to the home and enjoyed the attention she got and having her own space. She lived to 96 and we are still married, almost 50 years now. I 100% support NOT moving in with family. Keep your family as your loved ones otherwise it turns into resentment.

I am never a fan of doing what you have done as basically it doesn't work.

Me, I would sit them down and tell them it is not working and you would like them to buy you out for everyone's well-being.

Sending support your way.

Years ago we made a similar mistake. Never again. My MIL was actual a very sweet lady and we were naïve enough to envision multigenerational family like The Waltons. It was especially tough on my DH who was concerned his mom was struggling living alone. she sold her modest little home and we put a MIL suite onto our home. Although we included her in all daily family routines (meals, TV watching on the couch, etc) she insisted on guest mode. In short order, I was the bad guy. She was not speaking kindly about me to our grown kids which created a tension. She happily participated in our garage sale only to later confide to her son I had “stolen her things”. Cognitive decline changed my sweet natured MIL into suspicious and gossipy behind my back. Yes, we had heart to heart talks to reassure the home was for all of us and we wanted her happy. Given her needs, it was difficult for her to adjust. In about 2 years, little did we know, she was hiding significant health issues and passed away from colon cancer a month from diagnosis.
You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions? It’s true.

I'm throwing my vote in with all of the others here who have recommended that you tell your son and DIL that they need to refinance and buy you out. If y'all have been in the house long enough to build equity, you could get an appraisal to determine market value and negotiate a split on that as well.

Or. Sell the house and split the proceeds.

Then find yourself a cute little house or condo and live in peace.

~Southiebella

I agree - some additional information would be helpful here. There are very few situations where a castle can successfully have two queens. And those two queens have to have very compatible personalities. And they most definitely cannot put the king of the castle (or the princes and princesses in the middle)

That being said - I laughed when I read the title of your post and wondered if my FIL had learned how to use an internet forum. Because he would 1000% come here and tell everyone I am the most controlling DIL on the planet. But here is the kicker. My FIL is the most controlling person I have ever met in my life. It is literally his way or the highway. And if he doesn't get his way he throws a grownup tantrum of epic proportions (he is an actual narcissist) His entire life I don't believe a single person outside of maybe in the business world has ever told him no.

And then he met me. The "controlling DIL". Do you know WHY I'm the controlling DIL. What my actual claim to fame is? I SAY NO. And I taught the rest of the family that ugly, ugly word. I taught the rest of the family that he can wait his turn, that it is ok if he doesn't get his way, and we don't always have to do what he tells us to do.

But dear lord, that is not the story he tells. It's all me. I am the bad apple. Everything was just fine until I came along.

Every story has at least THREE sides. "Yours", "mine" and the truth.

If you genuinely believe that your DIL is being controlling- have you sat down with your son and DIL and talked about house rules? How much of the house do you "own"? What was the agreement when you bought the house? Were you supposed to have certain spaces just for you? Everything else was shared and you aren't getting your time in those spaces? Are you letting them know you want to use the spaces? Or just staying quiet and in your room and trying not to make trouble? Or did you buy into the house with them with the understanding that you had your room and bathroom?

We share a house with my mom (she's not home currently, taking care of my grandmother) but she has her room and bathroom, we have our room and bathroom, our college aged daughter has her room and bathroom ( she is autistic so will likely be with us for longer than the average young adult). Our other college aged daughter is away at school and has the other bedroom and shares a bathroom with her sister when she is home. The common areas are shared. Mom does have her bedroom set up to spend more time there so that the family can have the living room, BUT she will also hang out in the living room with us frequently when she is home. OR we will go into OUR rooms and she has the living room. I do all of the cooking (unless she just wants to - she enjoys letting me cook now, she says it's "my" kitchen.) We do all of the cleaning with the exception of her room and bathroom and we vacuum and dust up there and clean her bathroom when she's not here. We maintain the yard. She does her own laundry, unless I'm doing a load and she just has a small amount and I will toss hers in with ours.

This has worked very well for us for more than 4 years now. But we had to be very upfront about any conflict, we had to agree to be considerate of each other and remember that we were all sharing space as adults. We had to take care of each other.

We had to assume good intent. We had to work with each other instead of against each other. And above all else we have had to talk to each other before things fester. And compromise!

My mother (89) has made it clear in no uncertain terms that she is NEVER to be allowed to live with either of her children because she loves us too much to do that to us. She even went so far as to say that if she had dementia and begged, we are not to give in. She has a huge fear of living in a nursing home or really any situation where she doesn't have her own home and privacy, but she'd choose that over living with us. I so appreciate that she is so protective of her children that she'd face those fears before taking the risk of causing any tension in our homes by her presence. On the other hand, my MIL lives with her daughter and won't consider another option, as if she feels entitled to it. My BIL absolutely hates the situation, and has openly stated that his first waking prayer every morning is that she will be gone the next morning!!--adding that he would never agreed to her living with them if he'd thought she'd live more than 6 months. The 1 1/2 years she has been with them has been fraught with tension for all 3 of them, and although they take care of her every physical need, it is obvious that they look forward to her demise so they will have their home to themselves again. They would all be so much happier if she was in a nursing home, but they won't give up looking like the martyrs who are "the only ones willing" to care for her, and she won't give up the idea that she's entitled to stay with them. After keeping my MIL for 3 weeks so they could have a "vacation", I told my son and DIL the same thing my mom told me: Don't you ever ever ever let me or your dad come to live with you! A person who can't care for themself enough to live alone has to have a caretaker, and that job just expands as time goes on. Sounds like ya'll fell into that trap of thinking you were doing a good thing, but that good thing soured and you need to back out asap before all your memories are tainted by hard feelings. Do what you have to to get mom a place of her own where someone else does the care taking and you can do the loving visits.

I think that this kind of arrangement rarely is as satisfactory in reality as we think it will be. Maybe you had a wonderful relationship with your mother in law, but even if you did imagine what it would have been like to share your home with her while you were raising your family... it will take a lot of deliberate effort to establish a daily pattern that works for everyone.

Grandma1954 July 29, 2023 2:00 pm
Wow
If you can get yourself out from "their" house.
You may have invested in it but it is not "your" house.
If you can afford to get a small condo, apartment of your own do so.
They can buy out your portion, if they can not afford to do that there are options. If you have the financial means to do so that might be your son's inheritance and you can quit claim your portion. (might be problematic if you need to apply for Medicaid later on) Or if you need the money that may force the sale of the house.

Or
Since this is a shared house stop living in your room and begin to take ownership of your rights as a part owner.

I think rarely does it go well with 2 women in the same house.

Burnts father is a smart man. I have told my husband for years that 2 adult woman cannot live in the same house. Especially if they have had homes of their own.

More info needed. Why did you and a granddaughter invest in this home?

You should never ever have consented to buying a house where you would not have your own living space — bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and living room. This was a huge mistake.

This causes a lot of stress on families who go into it with the best of intentions but find it is a bad arrangement.

Sell the house, split of the proceeds and buy your own place or one with an apartment for you.

This will never work over the long run. Do something before you and your family are estranged and relationships can no longer be fixed.