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Same thing with brushing his teeth. You just tell him that it's time to brush his teeth and then you take him in the bathroom, put the toothpaste on his toothbrush and again if need be you brush his teeth for him.
And at bedtime you tell him it's time to get his pajamas on, and you take him in the bedroom and help him get his clothes off and help put his pajamas on. You can then throw his dirty clothes in the hamper, and put out new clothes for him to put on in the morning.
The important thing is not to ask but to tell him what's going to happen, and then help him if necessary.
If you find all of that to be just too much for you, then you may want to hire an aide to come at least twice a week to get him in the shower and to change his clothes and brush his teeth.
Or if your husband goes to an Adult Daycare Center they often will offer a spa day weekly where they will shower your husband and wash and style his hair.
You can't suggest.
You have to say...
"Honey, it is time for your shower"
Before you say that you get everything ready that you will need.
Shower bench or chair.
Hand held shower wand
Several towels.
The head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so don't start off getting his head and chest wet, start at the feet. Let him hold the shower wand.
The bathroom is a noisy place so if you can turn the water off between getting him wet and rinsing that might help.
Talk in a lower, quiet voice.
Tell him exactly what you are going to do. "honey, I'm going to get your feet and legs wet." "I'm going to use the soap now, doesn't it smell good?" "Let's do your hair now." (Use a gentle baby shampoo so that if it does get in his eyes it won't hurt) "We are almost done let's rinse off"
OH...forget a daily shower. 2 maybe 3 a week is plenty.
BUT..toileting. If he is having problems with all that you mentioned I bet he is having problems with toileting. You need to monitor him in the bathroom. Make sure he is cleaning himself well. Washing his hands. And if he is incontinent make sure briefs are changed when they are wet / soiled. And you need to start getting him to the bathroom at least every 2 hours. This is to check him as well as it does help with circulation and may help prevent pressure sores.
Teeth brushing. You may have to do that for him. Switch to an electric one, it can do a better job. But he may have problems with the vibration.
Shaving, you can do that. It is easier with an electric but there are razors specially made for caregivers to use on someone. I think Gillette makes them.
Clothes. At night when he gets into pj's take his soiled clothes and put them in the wash. Take clean clothes and put them right were he put his soiled ones.
With each of these tasks there are a lot of steps and a person with dementia gets confused and "forgets" the steps so they stop doing a task. So these tasks now fall on someone else.
Decisions are difficult to make with dementia and if you eliminate some of the decision making it makes it easier for both of you.
If he is not active, he does not need a shower every day. If his outer clothes are not dirty, he can wear them a couple of days. Underwear should be changed daily.
As Funkygrandma says, you simply tell him "It's time to do this now.."
Don't give him too many options or choices, it could be overwhelming for him.
Other than that, you may need to compromise your idea of clean.
You can gently offer to help with oral care, if he is willing. Turn the shower on and get in with him, if that helps. Or tell him, "Your shower is ready, Let's get you out of these clothes.."
Set out a new change of clothes for him daily, so he doesn't have to think about it.
And, again, like I said, relax your ideas of what he "needs" to do. He is in a vulnerable state, and declining. There are more important things for both of you to focus your life on than his cleanliness. Do the best you can do, and accept that is enough.
If you don't already have a hand held sprayer in your shower, you need to get one! It will help you wash all the nooks and crannys! It helps to rinse hair without having their face in the water stream and you can sit the sprayer down and give him a break from the water. Hopefully you have a seat in the shower too!
Make his hygiene part of his daily routine:
in the morning - dress, shave, comb hair
after breakfast - brush teeth
after dinner/evening - take off clothes, wash up, put on pajamas, brush teeth
you may consider washing his hair should become a part of his daily routine as well - so his hair is always clean
Only give options or choice when it doesn't impact his health or safety.
I had a client this week and his place stunk to high heavens. No wife in sight or kids, just a bachelor type. The cabinets were filthy, and the rugs were so nasty that I could barely breathe. I tried to vacuum but the vacuum cleaner would barely move. The trash can was full of beer cans. I had to clean that horrid place. I think lack of stimulation has a lot to do with it if a person is just sitting all day. The muscles will get weaker if they are not used. He is a very sick man, and the sad part about this situation is that a lot of his health problems could have been prevented. I was there to help with his shower, but he did not want one. He said he can't remember the last time he took one. I think he washed up today because he had thrown some old drawers in the kitchen trash can and the smell wasn't that bad. I wore a mask though.
As for clothes, I put out clean underwear each day and new shirt and pants every other day, because, if we did not have to go anywhere, I felt two day of wear was good. On those nights, I put his dirty clothes in my dirty hamper.
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