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Best of luck.
I am sorry, but you can't change others. We all have our limitations; apparently this is your husband's.
As others have pointed out, it won't get better, especially if she becomes incontinent, says or does vulgar things, shadows, screams for help continuously, etc. Been there, done that. I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
How's this arrangement working for you?
Stage 5 Dementia patients should be in MC. Why did you both decide to move in? I would guess to save rent money, be unpaid 24/7 caregivers, or both?
You aren't caught in any rock or hard place. Time to decide if your priority is your husband (and marriage vows you made), or your Stage 5 Dementia Mother, who you admit will "deny her offensive behaviors." This idea has already exploded in 4 months, and likely to get much worse. I cannot see convincing your husband of anything other than getting out. Sorry.
Your siblings stepped away. Why didn't you? Did they perhaps think your mother needed to be in a facility, but you said no way and so instead moved in to take care of her?
Why were you the ones to move in with her? There were no other options?
This entire moving in with a parent throws me for a loop...why? There are other options available. PPl do this without doing their homework, they should come to a site like this before not after.
The husband will not adjust, honestly, nor would I. Last thing I would want to do is move in with my mother, I would live in a box under a bridge before I would do that.
So much of this mindset circulates around wanting to please a parent, because the parent wants to stay in their home although they are not capable of doing do on their own.
Life is about change and accepting the changes that happen in our life, nothing remains constant it either gets better or worse.
This will not get better.
Good grief!
And husband responds in same manner SHE would?
I see more than ONE problem.
Wowie!
Let me just say that it’s hard to live with our family members regardless of whether they have or don’t have any form of dementia. Dementia certainly adds another layer to your challenging situation.
I realize that you want the best care for your mom. I saw in one of your responses that you and your husband mutually agreed on moving in with your mom as an interim solution until you find placement.
I don’t see any point in making you feel badly about a bad call in judgment by moving in with your mom, so I won’t go there. Do everything that you can to remedy this situation before it becomes worse.
Your marriage and your peace of mind are equally as important as your mom’s care.
I know that you frustrated and disappointed in your husband’s reaction.
Of course, your mother’s behavior isn’t her fault, but are you willing to allow your husband the same amount of grace that you give to your mother?
Don’t expect your husband to stick around when he needs a break. Don’t berate him for not being able to tolerate your mom’s behavior. Tell him that you understand if he wishes to get out of the house.
This is a new environment for your husband. How was he supposed to know in advance that he would not cope well in these circumstances?
Place yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if this was his mom and you found that you didn’t want to be walking on eggshells all the time?
Your mom’s behavior, regardless of whether it’s due to her dementia or not isn’t an easy thing for your husband to shrug off. It won’t be any less frustrating for him even if he understands how dementia works.
Can your mom afford to hire additional caregivers so that you and your husband can return to your home?
Wishing you and your family all the best.
The op promised husband that this was temporary. Time is now up.
Figure out what to do next. Taking care of mom is going to get harder, and your husband’s understanding will probably not grow. Is this worth losing your husband? Because that’s a possibility.
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