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then, the sister of a friend (a professional caregiver) did this...
she came over over and started to organize all the books. Told my Dad..she is here to help organize the place. For an hour or so, she was busy...I offered her a cold ice tea...offered to my Dad too. So we three sat around and she was talking to my Dad and he was laughing. Next day we did the same...after another chat session, he mentioned he never gets to go to Walmart...she offered to take him....and off they went.
the next day, Saturday, she didn’t come and my Dad was looking for her....all weekend. On Monday, she just slid into the caregiver roles with no fuss.
so...just being someone in...but tell him it is for some other reason. Let him have time to get used to her...let him get to know her.
You also may want to talk with his doctor about antianxiety medication. The doctor will start with a very low dose that may be just enough to take the edge off. Remember that medication is not necessarily permanent.
I had a session with my husband where I cried and got mad at him and showed what it was doing to me. It was ugly. Hubby is very, very stubborn. His brother was well aware of that.
After my melt down-in front of my husband-things got better. I had to repeat often how I needed him to let other people help him. If I burned out, he's be on his way to a nursing home.
All in all things eventually worked out. It is almost 14 years later and just last year he wwent to a nursing home. Yes, that was a struggle , too. Now I am living alone in a nearby condo. I have applied for Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home.
You have my sympathy. Please keep us informed of your progress. Christine
He knows that you will help him, he knows that you know his limitations.
He knows YOU. Others he may not be sure of at any given time.
Why not have your sister come over for lunch and when she gets there and you get lunch on the table say that you have to run out for mayo or sugar or fake a call from a neighbor that needs you to help with something. Tell Hubby you will be right back. Stay away for 15 minutes or so, 20 if you can. Come back and resume lunch.
Do this a few times, not always at lunch but just have your sister come over for coffee and go out for a bit.
He will learn that you will come back.
You are not leaving him.
This is much like a toddler being left at Preschool for the first time.
All I can say is...Patience.
If you are in your 80s too, your husband needs to realize you need time to yourself. That you cannot take care of him physically. The stroke may have effected his reasoning or he is just stubborn. Sit down and tell him you can't do it all. If he won't except help, you may need to put him in LTC facility because his care effects your health too. What does he thinks will happen if u can't care for him. You want to care for him but u can't do it without help. Also, you need time to yourself. Tell him he needs to consider ur needs to.
He can go with your sister or have home care come in or go to a senior day center or you could arrange a couple of weeks respite at a assisted living community...there are lots of options. It is you who are not insisting that he choose one.
If it seems impossible to stand your ground, make up a little white lie (you pulled a back muscle, perhaps). Think of yourself as unable (not unwilling) to care for him. Because, if you don’t get regular breaks, you may find yourself unable to care for him. Protect your health; physical and emotional.