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You can try to prevent some of the things from happening.
Give her a task that she can do while you make dinner, or heat up a dinner.
Put a lock on the freezer and refrigerator so that she can not open it. If she asks just say "it's stuck I will fix it later". Get a little refrigerator for her for snacks is she wants to snack during the day. (If she doesn't now that may come)
A few hints for you.
1. Do not yell. It will frighten her, make her nervous and she does not know why you are yelling.
2. Do not argue. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has any form of dementia.
3. If you have friends or family that ask if they can do anything to help say YES. Ask if someone can pick up a gallon of milk and bring it by. If there is someone that your wife likes and trusts ask if they can stop by and visit with her while you run to the store to get a few things or get a haircut, or visit the dentist and so on.
4. Decide now at what point will you have to consider placing her in Memory Care. For me it was Safety. As long as my Husband was safe while I cared for him at home, as long as I was safe while I cared for him at home that is where he would stay. (and with the help of Hospice and the VA I was able to keep him home, that and the fact that he was very compliant and never violent)
5. Find a good support group.
6. If there is Adult Day Care in your area get her going there for as long as she is able.
And the 36 Hour Day is a good book.
As far as the decisions you will have to make...There are no "right or wrong" ones. It is a decision you make at the time with the best interests of your wife and you in mind. As long as you can put your head on your pillow at night and you can tell yourself that you did the best you could that day there is nothing you should regret and you can sleep well knowing that you did the best that you could.
I loved the book, The 36-Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins
It explains things so well. It definitely helped me to understand what brain disease is, the different types and how to put myself in that perspective as well.
Your wife is not doing anything on purpose, her judgement, reasoning, and cognition is slowly deteriorating. She can perceive emotions...highly, so try not to show anger/frustration it will just make things worse for the both of you. You will need to learn that white lies are harmless and to let the little things and sometimes big things go too...I know I did, very quickly. I have locks on my cleaning supplies cabinet, medicine cabinet, refrigerator, and childproof knobs on my stove, now that I think about it I should also cover electrical outlets! I bought my mom activity toys to keep her busy, she needs to do something ALL day, TV is not cutting it. There are activity items for Alzheimer/Dementia but they are also expensive, I bought things that are also good for a toddler they worked for me and my mom is happy...colorful stickers on construction paper, Lincoln Logs, matching games with colors, shapes, letters, crayons and coloring books. I went from being a single working gal to having an 83 yr old daughter, it’s a life changing event for both!
This will be your ultimate challenge in your life, you do it all out of LOVE...whether you do it yourself until you can or you give that challenge to someone else or someplace else that has a team you are comfortable with. I’m 45 yrs old and resigned from my job last year to do this 24/7, I’m constantly researching and reading on this terrible disease. It will be hard without a doubt but there are joyful & pleasant times with your loved one too. So gentle hugs, caressing on her hand, a light back rub goes a long way.
Good luck, and I hope you make the decision that’s best for you.
You also need to understand this isn't going to get any better or easier. If you are already frustrated now, and I've been there so I understand, you probably need to go ahead and research Assisted Living facilities to place her in. Look for one that will let you transition to Medicaid if you run out of money. While you are doing that, you should also consult with an elder care attorney who can help guide you along the way and protect assets for your care later, while still providing for your wife during this time.
You need to start thinking about the dangers that are present in your home right now, and how your wife may get into trouble. For example, mixing ammonia and bleach together to clean and asphyxiating herself. Or trying to cook and leaving a pot on the stove. Or wandering off in the middle of the night. There are a ton of possibilities for what could happen to her if she's not closely watched 24/7 which is impossible for you to do, realistically. If she's not yet at the stage where she's exhibiting dangerous behaviors, it may not be far off.
You may want to look into Memory Care Assisted Living homes for your wife. I work in one and can tell you that I see lots of husband's and wives who have placed their spouse when they became too much to handle at home. Some come to visit twice a day and have a much better relationship now that they've relinquished their caregiver role.
Think about it as you read all about Alzheimer's and what to expect moving forward. Teepa Snow is on YouTube and particularly good at explaining the difficulties and frustrations associated with this dreadful disease. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to you
I love him, for taking care of me all those years, that it was time for me to really take the reigns, and become the provider, comforter, caretaker, so he would feel save and secure.
The book, " Caretakers Handbook", and Alzheimer's Association, are great places to start. Also, Teepa Snow, a phycologist, has you tube videos available online.
I know there are times that I still get angry and what my husband says or does, (I have to bite my tongue,) but I have to let it role off me, because he is not the person I married anymore. I still love him and I will do whatever I have to, in the years to come, to make sure he is always save and I am there for him.
Patience is something we have to have, when we take on this responsibility.
Suggestion: be more observant, with whatever she is doing. Make sure to keep an eye on her. Example: I husband, took a scissors, from his night stand and proceed to injure himself. So, I took away all scissors. He had a cigarette lighter collection and a knife collection. I also took these away for safety reasons. He no longer drives, another precaution.
He is stubborn and bi-polar, argues and disagrees with everything I ask or say, so expect your wife will act according to how she is.
We all are going through the same things here. Be patient, kind and love her, that's all you can do.
To learn how to deal with your wife's behavior from this disease (which she can not help) I suggest watching youtube Teepa Snow video's. I found them very instructional on how to deal with my elderly Mom.
Good luck,
Jenna
I would also recommend getting a caregiver in, even an hour or two a day if you can. Give yourself a break. And, for critical behavior such as leaving the stove burners on or overflowing the bathtub, you may need more care-givers and/or consider if other steps are in order. Talk to a social worker if you can; the Alz Association (and Teepa Snow) personnel are very compassionate and understanding. Call them. You might benefit from a support group. Thanks for writing here. It not only helps and provides you support, it helps all of us deal with this. And, as I often or not often enough say to myself "But for the Grace of God Go I" (It is the only religious phrase I know).
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