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i wish us all strength, luck, courage, happiness.
:)
hug!!
You are not alone, statistically over 50% of caregivers are family members that are not paid and are not treated very well by their aging parents. I think that it would do you a world of good to be able to hear the stories of others, to relate to what they are saying, and to choose whether or not you want to share what you are going through.
You cannot change who your mother is but you can control how she affects you. Tend to your own needs by practicing self-care and tend to the needs of your family.
I gave this to elderly adults who were questioning end of life; then they gave it to friends.
Jodi Piccoult writes compelling fiction with different points of views and unexpected twists.
My Sisters Keeper got me hooked. Plain Truth had a totally unexpected ending that made perfect sense. But you have to be able stories that are haunting. In the conversation at the end of My Sisters Keeper, Piccoult says her son didn’t talk to her for 2 weeks when he read the ending.
Young Adult has some thought provoking topics that can be a quick read - or not if you’re reading Harry Potter. Publishers point out YA is a category with a lot of genres so you’ll have to decide dystopia, romance, thriller.
The protagonists are 12-18 year olds and the reader is typically a few years younger so some books are too sophomoric (literally) in tone and topics but a lot aren’t.
The Fault in Our Stars by John Green is a classic but I preferred The Giver by Lois Lowdry (unusual concept and moral conundrum).
The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
I read The Luxe by Anna Godbersen about five coming of age Manhattan debutantes in 1899 rewriting the rules. Life isn’t so grand beneath the grandeur stories.
New Adult (NA) has protagonists in their 20s. Bridgerton, The Queens Gambit, Anne with an E, Ophelia … seems like half of Netflix is YA to NA.
Do you know about Bookbub.com. Sign up, pick genres, they’ll send emails with flash sale ebooks marked down cheap to free. I downloaded a sample, got busy and missed the deal. Lesson learned: don’t wait.
I hope you find books that make you happy. The wife of a psychiatrist called reading bathtub books “cheap psychotherapy.”
https://www.tuttlepublishing.com/japan/the-japanese-knitting-stitch-bible
It won't answer the questions you raised following your initial post, but it will redirect your attention and require concentration, which can be very relaxing for anyone in a caregiving situation. And it's creative, which I think inspires clear thinking and inspiration.
When I need motivation and inspiration, I look at some of the cable stitches and patterns, then go to my yarn stash and start planning. It's very, very diverting from whatever else is going on in my life.
You say you're "trying to climb out of the hole I got us into". What do you mean by that?
I truly hope that you're not somehow blaming yourself for how your parents are because you didn't make them how they are and it isn't your fault.
If you truly believe that you owe them nothing then you don't. There should not be one moment of guilt over it for you either.
Your parents are emotional vampires. They feed on your need to please them and your want for their love and approval. Everyone wants their parents approval and recognition. In loving and functional family units this is a given. In dysfunctional ones with emotional vampires this isn't possible. Instead of giving the love, approval, and recognition parents normally give their kids, emotional vampires hold these things hostage and use them as leverage to get what they want or need and will keep the situation exactly as it is.
Let me ask you a question.
Say you and your husband went out to dinner or something and had a very nice time out somewhere. Then you come home and you're in a happy and good mood.
Will your parents suck that joy right out of you in a minute?
I'm guessing they will because that's what emotional vampires do.
Put them in a home. Stop trying to please and make them happy because nothing you do will ever be enough. Put them in a home.
You said you are new here.
Q."Can you explain what you mean by joining the longer term posters?"
A. You are a newbie, others have been on the forum for years. I wanted you to feel welcome.
1)Boundaries by Townsend.
2) Online videos about narcissism
3) The entire AgingCare website, including articles about narcissism.
Could you describe a little more how you came to be living with them? E.g. your idea, or theirs? Your home, or theirs? What are their main support needs, objectively speaking? Then we can move on to practical matters, like where to find a ladder! Hugs to you.
I spent my adult life raising a wonderful family of my own and stupidly, sharing my happiness as much as I could with my mom. I took it on myself to balance her miserable husband with my loving children and husband. Unfortunately, she takes and gives nothing back. She and my dad live only with themselves in mind.
As far as myself, I am proud of who I am. It took a ton of work and awareness, along with a superhuman husband, but I overcame the bare minimum to be a great mom and hopefully good wife (36 years married). My kindness and respect for what is right is what got me into my current mess. My parents and I bought a house together that would accommodate being present for their safety. My parents were starting to fall. I was happy to do what family does for each other. Ha... The joke was on my husband and I. The abuse began immediately. I never saw it coming. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I have been clobbered by my dad and my mom is only concerned with herself. She wants my dad gone and she wants no responsibilities what so ever so that she can live out her years in peace. it isn't even on her radar that my husband and I gave up our lives to be there to support them.
In hindsight, this is all obvious, but for a daughter who has always wanted to be a part of a family, I just didn't see it coming. Jokes on me.
And unfortunately, I learned all of this insight AFTER we all moved in together.
Can you explain what you mean by joining the longer term posters? Thanks!
KnittingFool, check out this thread. You'll find we are a group with varied reading tastes.
Although I love reading books, for short term diversion I read gardening magazines, but I'm also reading my father's collection of Country, Country Extra, and sometimes Reminisce and Reminisce Extra as well as Good Old Days magazines.
These magazines definitely transport me away from the crowed suburban area in which I live to the more peaceful, quiet, contemplative and stunningly beautiful country areas in which many of the contributors reside. I never fail to relax and daydream when reading or just thumbing through the magazines.
Chicken Soup books are also diversionary.
You had a great answer earlier this morning!
It may be a general consensus here on the forum that a person who was abused should not be their abuser's caregiver. I agree.
Please join all the longer term posters on the thread:
"What are you reading now?"
The books are already listed and discussed.
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