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Before these changes, I’d know how Mom would react to most things. Now it’s all just intensified. I’m so surprised at some things she’s said and done the last few years. Now, coming to grips with these changes, it IS sad.
We are experiencing grief for what was. I recommend caregiver support group, which you have online, here. Try to plug in with a local support group - I am lucky to have an active group of 8-10 caregivers in all stages of caregiving. Read up on what to expect in the future of dementia caregiving so you’re able to see ahead of the curve. Right now, I’m researching how to best navigate conversations with Mom about all the things she does not want to do (because I’ve suggested it).
Hope you stay in touch here.
My mother and I are basically just on speaking terms. And it's really her fault, b/c she has always been so self centered. Who was it said 'house devil, street angel?" Wow--does that apply.
Just the natural growth up and apart from our parents is far better than having a daily 'need' to talk to or see a parent. (I'm talking about a parent who isn't requiring daily physical, emotional assistance. Just a mom being a mom.) I may go a week between talks with my son--but that's my SON. My daughters , I hear from every week, even if it's just a quick text or visit. I hope to keep space in my togetherness with them. And I have cancer right now and am undergoing chemo, feel lousy all the time and might like to hear from them more often...but the constant reminder that my own relationship with my mother is awful...I tend to withdraw a little and not ask them for anything. Support as they raise the kids (and when their kids were small, I was tending for them every week!) and helping when wanted. Close as we want but not closer. It's a fine line!
My BFF had the loveliest mother. Just--wonderful, Guileless and sweet and loving. When she passed, even tho she hadn't been an active part of my life for years, I mourned her passing. She was a BIG part of my growing up years--for the good.
I have 100% control over whether I do or don't see mother. And I don't. I'm self protecting and I have no plans to see her until (maybe) Christmas and that will e a drop by visit, and I won't even go in her house if I am still immunocompromised.
I don't have wonderful. loving memories of life with my mom. It's so sad, but I daresay, there's a lot of us out there.
So I would say yes, my relationship with mother has changed. I'm stronger and say "no" a lot and don't put up with ANY of her crap.
through same with my Mom. I adored her, single
Mom, good mother but always bossy, could be hateful
and so critical. It got a lot worse the older she got.
I put up with it for to many years. Always trying to
please her. Bought her new microwave once, next
time I went home, it was in the basement. The power
went out & to much trouble to read instructions to
reset the clock!!! I just grew so very tired of this, begin
not to even like her anymore. I realized what a narcissist,
controlling woman she was. Sweet as honey out in
public but OH God, at home, in car, in restaurants she
was a nightmare, embarrassed me constantly and
then the love slowly begin to die (SAD). She died 4
years ago & I really do not miss her or grief! That makes
me so very sad!
Please talk to his and your doctor about this, get him evaluated to find out if he is in the
first stages of Alzheimers or dementia and find out what your options are. Help is out there but you need to get this evaluation and assemble a team who can help you face whatever is ahead. Good luck. I have been down this road for the past 11 years until my husband died 17 months ago.
I agree it absolutely warrants having her fully checked out since this is such a major change for her not just magnified normal behavior but generally speaking even if they are able to reverse some of it for now there is going to come a time when you will need to change your approach and way of thinking about her behavior because she wont have enough awareness or control over her behavior to expect her to change. Maybe if you imagine to yourself, this is what was really going through her mind years ago, imagine how Dad would have reacted if she had said this then? Or maybe consider how much self control she exercised all those years if this is her natural, raw, reaction and what a loving thing it was to refrain. Either way the person she is exhibiting now doesn't change the person you grew up with, don't let this current behavior win out as being the way you relate to her and remember her because you do yourself a disservice if you do and that would be a shame.
What you are describing above was probably the first signs of dementia (I don't know for sure), but I remember telling her something--anything and some how it became all be about her! I could tell her something small and she would just take it to a whole new level or it would turn into an argument. Well, I just stop calling her and didn't really talk to her for 4 to 5 yrs (this was when my dad was alive). I didn't understand what was going on! Now that hindsight being 20/20, I think it was dementia showing its ugly head! Even my dad couldn't stand to talk or be around her anymore.
I wonder does your mom have dementia? You talk like your mom is showing a new personality changes! She could of had a mini-stoke and no one would have know it--not even her!
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this...to me this is one of the hardest things to go through in the beginning, because it is so confusing. My heart goes out to you! To me this is where the mother I knew and thought who loved me died and someone else took over or maybe for me (just speaking of my relationship with my mother) her true colors came out)! Sigh:(
Hugs!!!
In a way, it did prepare me for how my mother (his daughter) is behaving now. She and I butted heads occasionally to begin with and now it is 10 times worse with our role reversal. She was always a bit self centered and that is very much magnified these days. She used to be generous and helpful to others and is now paranoid - accusing everyone of stealing from her and hoarding things like reading glasses and pens. I don't like who she has become and she wouldn't either if she realized it. I can only pray that my body or heart will give out before my mind does. I don't want to live like that.
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