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In hindsight I wish I had separated them and gotten two rooms. But at the time, as things collapsed, I didn’t even know how much money they had. Plus we’re so programmed to try and keep folks together.
If you can afford it move them into separate rooms.
I would think that for dysfunctional couples, just being in the same building would be good enough, or maybe they don't even really want/need that. I suppose it depends on their relationship.
Best of luck!
So you separate them can they afford to live in separate places? What I suggest is talking to a lawyer who is well versed in Medicaid. Split the couples assets. When the assets are gone then apply for Medicaid. Some states Medicaid will pay for an AL some don't. In mine you pay privately for 2 yrs at least and then u apply for Medicaid. You need to make sure the AL excepts Medicaid.
There is more to this just giving you the basics and something to be aware of.
An objective party (Geriatric Care Coordinator?) might be able to help.
And, an objective POA, non-family member might help too.
It would not be okay to 'punish' either spouse just because their illness includes agitation. imo. I am sure that is not your intent. Can the person causing the disruption (agitated one) be temporarily transferred to a geriatric behavioral unit, have meds adjusted and monitored, (say 3-4 weks?), then returned to the AL? Add a part-time caregiver for supervision, and that might work.
I am with you on this idea, to keep the couple together as long as possible. Covid has made it harder.
In answer to your question, yes. I had to observe while the couple was separated, one going to the son's home, dying within 3 months. The other going to the daughter's home, and thriving. There seems to be a dynamic
going on with long-term married couples being bonded.
They did this to save money--and with another couple, maybe it would have worked. But the wife was a slugger and she gave me a black eye within and hour of showing up to work with my supervisor. She fell and weighing over 300 lbs, she was a 3-4 person lift. Then she wanted to use the bathroom and suddenly it became apparent to their kids they hadn't thought this through--mom's wheelchair would not fit through doors and so she was 'stuck' in the main living area. She was manhandled by the 2 of us into the bathroom and it was a fail of epic proportions. She had a massive fecal blowout---we had to call a specialty cleaning company to come--neither of us CGs had the stomach or ability to clean this up.
I know that the cost of 2 separate 'homes' was going to be very pricey and real challenge to make work--and I know as much as they wanted to keep the couple together, it simply was not going to work out.
In the end, they moved dad into a much smaller room and mom into a higher level memory care unit. They were in the same bldg., but I know it wasn't what anyone wanted. It just was what it was.
I read your profile and you don’t give any background information. Could you elaborate on your relationship to this couple? Are they your parents?
The only reason why I ask is because often when we are in the middle of a situation it is extremely difficult to be objective.
For instance, a daughter might say, “I can’t possibly separate my parents. They absolutely belong together. I hope I can find a solution to this problem.”
Meanwhile, one person is suffering, should they remain together.
There are many situations that are unfair. Some we can tolerate in our lives and some should never be tolerated. Do you agree with this?
An objective outsider would most likely say, “Why should one person suffer at the hands of another even if they are husband and wife?”
I take the position of not allowing the innocent party to suffer. It isn’t about placing blame on anyone. It’s more about solving the problem at hand for the innocent person.
There is nothing that can justify cruelty and unnecessary suffering.
I would separate them. They will learn to adapt to their new surroundings.
Best wishes to you and this couple.
Sometimes we just have to ask them how they would like to proceed. Giving them all the information about the benefits and their ability to see their spouse to ensure they are okay.
Acknowledging the sadness and the pain of the change is also important but, most people that have any mental soundness can understand why their loved one needs more care, in a different setting then they are getting. Trying to keep them as close as possible to ensure visits, if they are feasible is my personal opinion.
Best of luck with this crummy situation.