How do you handle a parent who refuses assisted living even though it is in their best interest?

Ronica it is so common to meet with resistance from elderly parents when you bring up the topic of possibly moving to assisted living. In our case, my parents finally agreed, but then Mom dragged her feet and wouldn't set a "target date" , which was requested of her by the facility. There is a good article on this site about this topic by one of the experts ( I think it was by Carol Bursack.)--try doing a search for it in the box up at the top. My suggestion to you is to explore this topic gently with your parents. There is no shortage of excuses if our parents are looking for a "way out." If such a move for them would be imperative for YOUR health, then you need to keep gently forging ahead. ( If YOU aren't in good health, then how can you oversee the care of your parents?) Keep bringing up the topic, pray about it. In our case, I wasn't getting anywhere, and then I upped my prayer efforts. It was ultimately a fall which forced my parents to go ahead with the assisted living plan in earnest. Falling down scared them both a lot, and they decided then and there to move to assisted living. If there is someone your parents know who is already living in an assisted living place, that can be a big help in attracting them to consider moving to that particular place.

I have been unsuccessfully trying to convince mom to try assisted living for a little while to see how she does with it, it doesn't have to be permanent, but she is balking at the cost and insists that she has to leave money to her "heirs". I don't need or want her money and so instead she is paying a home health care agency to help her temporarily. So if anyone has any ideas, please send them on. Oh and I've already suggested a visit and that's a no go.

There are a lot of good and varied suggestions here. Eldercare is so very challenging....that is why this website has sprung up and has so much traffic. Each of us knows from personal experience how unique every case and circumstance is. The more people I talk to, the more convinced I am of this, that no two situations are alike. I feel that it is important that we caregivers support one another, and offer suggestions without ever intending to judge another caregiver. This is what I see in the vast majority of posts on this website. And I'm sure this is the intent of the creator(s) of this website.

In each individual caregiving case, the adult child(ren) caring for the parents have varying degrees of strength and health themselves. I believe we are all doing the best we can. In my own family's case, we determined that assisted living was the most workable choice for my parents. My mother, just before she died, thanked me in a heartfelt way for having assisted them in moving into their "retirement community." My father now continues to thrive there.

There are other options besides assisted living, like the ones mentioned on this thread. Newlan2dl, if you have decided on going the assisted living route, it helps to not push, but gently discuss and explore. Visits to the facility help....Also, if your parents have friends who are already living at a retirement community, they can talk to you parents and help ease the transition. Good luck.

What a ridiculous answer from Ed. Anyways, I would suggest putting your parent in touch with others who already live in an assisted living environment. Most of the people I know who live in them are very happy, and wish they would have agreed to the move sooner. Maybe if they hear it from others who are their own age, they will adjust to the idea. There are some great places out there.

Most of us do better at home no matter how old we are. Often medicare will pay for home health care and there are alot of things available now... We have an aging population and so Area Agencies on Aging are across the country. Find the one in your community and let them help you. Your loved one could get home delivered meals and someone to do some housecleaning. If an elder is NOT safe alone, that is another issue completely. Please remember to treat your loved one kindly and with dignity, they deserve that!!!

The ALF that my mom is in offers a trial of up to 30 days to decide if you like living in their facility. (Mom had to pay the daily rate but not the admissions fee). After less than 2 weeks, mom said she definitely wanted to live there, which we arranged. Unfortunately, as her early dementia worsens, she forgets the reasons she wanted to move out of her home---the lonliness(even though she had aides and family who visited and attended a day care facility) she would get severe anxiety attacks in which she thought she was dying. Her dementia in the past 9 months has gotten a lot worse and she is physically weaker. When mom talks about moving back to her house if it doesn't sell (it's for sale but houses aren't selling now!) I gently remind her of why she wanted to leave her house.

I agree about quitting work. My only saviour is that my friend of over 20 years owns the daycare and my sons friend who is a CNA works there. I may quit anyway, because its tough in the winter getting her back and forth. When someone gets old, and your kids are starting their lives, and on top of it, you are ill, you can lash out, because of the reality of aging and fear. My moms lashing out was from her stroke and dementia, which medication cured. If I hadnt gotten her under control, I couldnt do it, but we finally got the right mixture and she is mostly happy now. Believe me, its not easy. I just put myself in her shoes and think "what would I want, what would she want?" and thats to be at home.

Luvmom, yes I agree we all have our own situations and points of view on the subject. Fair is fair. What if someone said to you that adult day care is just horrible based on their experience and you should quit your job to tend to your mom 24/7? People have done it and lived on one income.... Please understand that I am not trying to be mean here, I am just pointing out that everyone does the best they can and we should avoid making blanket generalizations. We are all in the same boat so to speak - trying to look after aging parents.

I know it is not a matter of avoiding the hard work and stress it takes to have an aging parent in the home; it is sacrificing my marriage for it. (When my dad is behaving himself, I could see him everyday.) Even though I married a prince, no one could ever be good enough in my dad's eyes. Anyone was viewed as taking me away from him. My husband is simply fed up with how my dad has treated me over the years since our marriage, and all of the efforts of the last 2.5 years being spat upon. Be glad that your mom and husband get along as well - I think that is half the battle.

I do care for and love my dad very much, which is why I have stuck with him as long as I have throughout this whole thing. It is especially tough for me because I remember him how he was always so great before my parents' divorce and then after on my once a month visits to see him as a child. This would be so easy if he were a deadbeat dad. But things really changed after I got married.

It would actually be a blessing if his attitude could be better managed medically but there is a large component that is simply his mind set that he has had long before his disability. Even though he is only 64, I do not see that changing. I have even set him up with a counselor specialized to his situation to let loose on but that is not good enough either. Unfortunately, he has had this attitude for his entire life; he is a prisoner of his childhood and as he has no current wife to look to as a mommy, so it now falls to me and it has only gotten worse with age and disability. I have learned that there is nothing you can do for a person who does not want to help themselves. That is the heartbreaking part. When no matter what you do is sabotaged, it gets pointless. We all have choices to make in life, and have to take some responsibility for them and not always blame someone/something else.

I agree there are many nasty places out there for the elderly and there are a million horror stories for each one. But they are not all the same and there are actually decent ones out there. There are pros and cons to every situation. The saying goes "If you have seen one assisted living, you have seen one assisted living." They all vary greatly - I have visited many, on multiple occasions and always unannounced.

I guess I have used New's question to vent a bit, and I apologize for that.

As far as New's original question, I agree with Simba123. This is the next step I am afraid for my situation. If someone in authority can step in to help rectify the situation, that is better than if it coming from you. My father gets so agitated and furious with me about this issue that it is not good for him to hear it from me. New, I hope you know that you are not alone.

Just a couple thoughts....If you can't get her to agree, try getting someone else in authority involved, a 3rd party. When my Step-Dad tried to take away my Mom's car (she had Alzeheimers), he had her doctor write a note to her that said that she could no longer drive; of course he didn't have the authority to take away her license, but she didn't know that and complied and Bill was no longer the enemy.

In our town in Florida, there is a program at the Sheriff's Office that, when asked, are called in to do an assessment. Here, that can be done even by a neighbor. They will assess the situation and then call in the family to advise what needs to be done. Sometimes, it's as simple as the SARA program (Seniors At Risk Association), right here in the Sheriff's Office that, upon the agreement of the person, is visited a couple times a month to see how they are doing....or get the monitor that they can push if they fall down....or advise that they be put in assisted living.

With the assessment of someone in greater authority (as far as your mother's point of view) you will feel more confident that this is the right thing and have someone else to "blame" and she may comply.

The "we" is my husband and I and we both work fulltime jobs. I didnt mean to upset people here but this is how I feel , just as you have written how you feel also so it fair game.
My Mom also was extremely combative, hitting, yelling and screaming, and its taken me many months to get her on the correct dosage of medication to calm her down. I understand if you have a parent who lies and is manipulative and you obvioulsy do not care for , but is it really him, or his disease. A nursing home would be medicating hi to stop those behaviors, they dont put up with anything. I saw a man choking one time while taking a nursing home tour with a student. The Health aide pulled it out of his mouth and Screamed at him "I Told You to Chew Your Food!" The old man had tears in his eyes and she walked away not even helping him to eat! No one will ever ever talk to my mother like that, or more. In my eyes and heart, I feel that I am the only one who can take care of my Mother with real love and a happy family environment. IF you go to a daycare, you will see that millions do the same as myself, use daycare while working, and bring them home after wards. Sure is a ton of work, but I would do it for my husband and my Mom would do it for me, etc, thats life, we take care of our own. My husband cannot take care of her alone, being a male, but he is supportive and so proud of me for what I do and wants to help in any way that he can. Do I feel frustrated and like I am in prison sometimes, yes, I do, do I like waking up to the smell of a bm coming from my Moms room, no, I dont, do I get totally stressed trying to shower and feed her, yes, I do, But I do know that she is worth all the work because she is my Mother and she is priceless.

I just love it how luvmom and ed are so rightous. Good for you. Everyone's situation is completely different. Try having a verbally combative father, whose 200+ pound body is paralyzed from the waist down, who does not follow doctors' advice thereby worsening his condition, who sabotages everything you try to do and who fights you when you try every angle to be helpful for 2 and a half years. Add to that he is 3 times divorced (see a pattern?), has no friends and no other family members in this state and would love nothing more than my husband not being in the picture.... Oh yeah did I mention I am an only child? Gee Ed and luvmom, would you like your marriage to end in divorce to take care of a lying and manipulating dad who does not care to help himself but rather just dump on you and take his life's frustrations out on the big bulleye on your face? Just wondered what you would do - walk a mile in my shoes please....

to luvmom - what works in your situation is best for you - but before you pass judgement on anyone else that makes a different choice please remember everyone is dealing with different circumstances. You say "we are doing it". You are lucky to have someone to help and support you. Some families only have one other person who is probably still working full time. In my case, my parents (84 and 87) and I are separated by 500 miles and I am their only living child. My husband & I have asked them to move in with us many times. They refuse to leave their home and they don't like strangers coming in. They live in a rural area and are no longer able to drive. My mother's health is failing and my father is 90% blind and has mobility problems. Recently, my mom fell in the bathroom and my dad could not help her up. He had to call 911 and my mom spent 10 days in the hospital while he was home alone. They both have signs of short term memory loss. For their own health and safety they would both be better off in assisted living.

Without trying to be disrespectful I agree with Ed. This is a line often used "in THEIR best interest" actually it is in "YOUR best interest, not his" THEIR best interest is to live in a home with family, I also would not want to be out out because I was old, or for any reason. We are doing it, my moms 89 with late stage alzheimers, its NOT easy, but Moms so lucky, and deserves it. Her money is paying for her care, and when thats out, medicaid will kick in, she will still always be "home" with us and she doesnt even kow how lucky she is, but we do, thats all that matters.

After you checked out all of the good advice given and the facilities that will meet moms needs, it's time to sit down with her and have a real discussion. Find out her feelings as to why she doesn't want to go. Validate her feelings and see if she'd be open to just go for a visit. If mom has memory loss calmly explain that she needs some additional help- even if she says she doesn't. Tell her that it's too much for you- or that you will be moving away (small deception) and wont be able to visit as much ( or if the move is closer you'll visit more often).... you can try saying that her house needs to be tented for termites and that she'll be staying at a "hotel" for a few days (just keep telling her that the house is being fixed when she asks to go home). Most probably she has a fear of nursing homes and once she gets there it will be okay. It's like a kid going to school or sleep away camp for the first time. If mom is at risk and her needs aren't being met and can't be met by a patchwork system- you will have no choice but to be firm, take her and tell her this is her new home. God Bless

My mother refuses it. So, we (siblings and I) have told her that we can no longer be at her call. She has had to take some of her money set aside for shopping and hair cuts and now pay for the senior taxi service and for a lawn care guy. I thought it would make her change her mind, but no. She balked at first, but when the neighbors complained about the state of her front yard, she had no choice. My son was off to college and could no longer do it for her. Her hair is long and completely white now and she pins it up. I still worry about her living alone, but she is stubborn.

New~ check out the following: ELDERCARE 911, The Caregivers Complete Handbook for Making Decisions on Eldercare ---by typing it in on your browser. You may find this a useful tool in your particular situation. I also was caught up in this scenereo-fortunately the docor I had for-Mom was the one who advocated AL to her-to which she had listened. I refered AL-as a nearby like-resident hotel-where all her necessary needs would be met-She adapted rather quickly. It sure took a lot of unsuridness off of my mind-knowing she was in a safe environment...It is a Win Win situation.
Best to you on your caregiving journey,
Hap

I agree with mariannette. Research the home care health idea and housekeeping aides. Contact your local "Council on Aging" program usually run by your county - they can assist you in finding suitable assistance. Why are they refusing assisted living? I found that many elderly refuse it because they think of it as a "old folks home" like years and years ago. I think they would be pleasantly surprised to visit one. You might want to arrange with some local assisted living facilities to bring your parent in - they will give you a tour and usually provide a lunch. You would be surprised how many people change their mind when they see an assisted living facility - it's not at all what they expected. Many are absolutely beautiful and they have many activities going on. Once they see what it actually is they may decide they like that option. My mom actually wanted to move to an assisted living - not for the activities - she basically just wanted to sit around AND BE CATERED TO! She loved the idea of someone preparing meals and her just going to the table to eat, no cleanup, no cleaning of her room (some have small apts.), and someone to always talk to. My mom visited some and in every one she found someone she knew. A visit may help. If not speak to your pastor and your parents doctors who may be able to assist you. Good luck.

Can home health aides and maybe a weekly housekeeper fill in the gaps, so to speak, for what your parent can no longer do for herself (driving/shopping/house cleaning). Freezer boxes with home-cooked meals can be thawed & served by home health aides. On days there are no aides, bring in meals or stock easy to eat (no cook) foods in the fridge. Cell phones can be programmed to call in reminders to take meds. Once your parent needs an array of extra services that assisted living provides, those stop-gap measures I mentioned probably wouldn't work. If you live in the vicinity, you can see that things run smoothly. If no family lives nearby,a geriatric manager might be of help.

hey ed why don't you fall off that high horse of yours. If you cannot answer the question without adding guilt to what is already a tough situation, then maybe it would be best if you just stayed silent. Have seen many of your responses to questions and find you judgemental, nasty and a know it all. Maybe you are a supreme being while the rest of us are just trying to get by and keep calm. I find you insulting.
As for your question New i don't know, I have a feeling I may be in the same situation soon, as it is becoming harder and harder to keep Mom at my home. So I am sorry no words of wisdom but good luck.

NEW:

Let's put the shoe on the other foot ... yours. How would you feel if someone snatched you away from the people, places, and things you've always known? Taken out like trash to another "home" where probably the best you can do is commiserate with others about their shadow families and sing along to "The Way We Were"?