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As for Dad not being willing to fix himself supper, is he from a marriage where your Mom did that for him? I know men my age who are lost if their wives leave town unexpectedly and haven't pre-prepared and frozen a dinner for each night. Personally I think that's nuts, but my hubby knows how to cook and do laundry. We have one friend whose wife had a stroke recently and her husband swears he has no idea how to do laundry or fix himself a meal. My husband asked if I'd make some casseroles for the guy. I said I'll do it when his wife comes home to help HER, but he can make a sandwich if he's hungry.
So as far as your dad is concerned, I see nothing wrong with telling him you're not going to make a big dinner, but you have X, Y and Z in the fridge if he wants to make himself something. Then see what he does. I promise, he won't go hungry for long.
freqflyer, "take away their recliner!" them's fightin' words, gal! Don't you DARE think about messin' with my recliner!
@terrygma - don't feel guilty about missing a meal now and then. It's not like he's going the whole day without eating, he'll be fine.
At least get him some protein drinks and bars - that's what my father eats between meals.
Best wishes!
Growing up my Dad never had a recliner, I don't think they were around back then. It wasn't until he retired that he bought his first one.... now you can't pry Dad out of his recliner [well, he is 92]. Mom is 96 and has no recliner, she has her straight back wing chair, and she has twice the energy of Dad. Is there a correlation here?
For the sanity of both your family and your sister's family, is there anyway your Dad can move into independent living where he can have his own apartment and where said complex has cleaning services? Then that way your Dad has free rein to do whatever he wants... smoking might be an issue so a place that allows smoking outside.
You can teach an old dog new tricks but it may not be worth the hassle. Offer him whatever you ar munching on healthy or not.
My Mom is finally trying to teach Dad to do some simple meals that he can handle, showing him how to use the vacuum, and how to use the washing machine, and when he makes a mess he has to clean it up himself.... Mom is 96 and Dad is 92. It's never too late.
It is tricky. For me, it would have just been easier and less hassle to fix something simple and quick for my mom rather than waste time and energy worrying for hours later about whether or not skipped meals were going to have consequences...
After awhile with my mom, for me anyway, it just boiled down to what route was shortest, sweetest and easiest in dealing with and caring for her.
The fact that your Dad would need to use oxygen if he went back to his own home tells me his smoking has already caused a medical issue. Since quitting is out of the question [according to him] could he switch over to a pipe which would be less harmful to the rest of the family?
Since he is around his young grandchildren, even though he is smoking on the porch, children have small lungs and it is quicker for them to develop smoke related health issues than that of an adult. He wouldn't want to be the root cause of one of grandchildren becoming quite ill from his smoking. Saying something like that could tug at his heartstrings and make him think twice about smoking. Or maybe not.
Oh my gosh, there isn't anything "heartless" about putting a love one into independent/assistant/continuing care.... it's for their own health and well being if they cannot manage on their own. Sounds like your sister already has a lot on her plate with her busy family, plus working 3 jobs. And it wouldn't be fair for you to take on all the care. Remember, this is durable at the moment, but it will become worse later on to a point of being around the clock care.
Second hand smoke can cause all different types of cancers in people who never smoked. It's not a wise thing to do with grandchildren around [no matter if they are now teens or young adults still at home].