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Having elders living in my home just does not work for me, in any way, shape or form. I lived the horror story of having my grandmother living with us when I was a kid. It not only ruined MY childhood, but my mother's sanity, my parent's marriage, and life in general for all involved (not to mention my poor grandmother's quality of life). Taking someone in out of guilt or obligation never turns out well.
Help your folks figure out how to maintain their OWN lives without ruining yours. That's the best gift you can give EVERYONE.
Best of luck
That must have been hurtful -- so your son's in-laws get to move in at some point with them, but not you?
Stop listening to her complaints. When she starts complaining, ask her "Mom, what do you want to do about it?" There's a whole philosophy about complaining that says complaining only makes things WORSE because it prevents positive actions from being taken.
Followup with let’s talk through some options(your home isn’t one of them).
Go from the point of making it real in her own mind first.
My mom likes to make me search for solutions without verbalizing her ownership/ situation. I run in to fix then She says she never ASKED me to. Your mom sounds a little like that. Start with her.
I was lucky that I grew up with a mom who usually said yes and then resented what she had volunteered to do ( or been guilted into). She finally started saying "no" when she saw that it was destroying our childhoods and my dads happiness. So, I'm grateful that I learned that I would survive a parent's disappointment, anger, rage.
Next time she hints, get the conversation out in the open. Don't beat around the bush. Say, "no mom, we cant do that". And mean it.
Everything u said I have thought on multiple occasions....
Inlaws were in my home but taken care of by husband and his siblings
I was twenty three and pregnant....
Mom has her own health issues....
Mom doesn't talk bad about husband she adores him...As everyone does...had to go back and read....she complains about stepdad...
Its a mess but u guys have opened my eyes to adulting and I'll just have to speak my truth to her....
Thank u
Next time she says it, just say, "sorry Mom its not going to happen". I will help when I can. If you need more help, you may have to hire someone to clean and help with SD. Having parents move in is one thing but bringing a 15 yr old? I would also tell her that you no longer will put up with her putting ur DH down. The next time she does, you will go home and she will get no help. BOUNDRIES, set them now. You are entitled to do what u want when u want. There r horror stories about people moving a parent/s in. Just imagine if she puts your husband down in his own house. Add to that a person suffering from Dementia, that u never know what they will do and a 15 yr old being raised by people old enough to be great grand parents. Don't doo it.
Actually, the 15 yr old should be taught to do things for himself if he isn't doing it already. Make and strip his bed. Keep room fairly tidy. Wash his own clothes and bedding. If he has a bath to himself, he can clean it himself. He can help with meal cleanup.
If they have money Mom can use it to hire an aide to help with SD. Cleaning lady once a month to do the deep cleaning. Swiffer products are great for a quick dusting. Their dry mop does great on vinyl, hard, and Laminated flooring. If they fit the criteria, they maybe able to get help from Office of Aging or Medicaid for SD care.
SD will get worse. He may need LTC eventually. In that instance, Mom would be the Community Spouse. Assets will be split with her staying in the home and she will have a car. She will be able to pay bills.
" i can't move them in because she doesn't want to do it anymore..." From that sentence I am getting that your relationship with Mom has never been great. So, you definately don't want to move them in. I have always said, two adult women cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns it. I would never had wanted my MIL living with me. She would have tried to get her way. My house, my way.
Why do people go into a situation - not wanting to go in & knowing it will be a train wreck? Don't be one of the people seeing the headlights coming but didn't step off the track.
You deserve to do what works for you. (lather, rinse, repeat as many times as you need)