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Do not sacrifice all that is important in your life to be the "lone ranger" in your mothers care.
Still you can make active and proactive choices about how you handle the changes in your life as a result of taking on the burden of a full time caregiver along with your many other roles. This is essential to avoid constantly being on the receiving end of disagreeable consequences.
Ask for help. Ask a relative, friend or colleague to lend you a hand particularly when you find yourself reaching your tolerance limit and you are ready to tear out your hair.
If you look in the right places you might find all the help you need. Many people are happy to run errands or take a turn as the caregiver. I suggest you call your family members together and ask each one for 1-2 hours of his or her time per week. This will permit you to take a personal break or focus on your children.
Give those who agree to help a clear, direct task they can accomplish without difficulty. Additionally create a schedule and don’t forget to hand out copies to all family members even if they aren’t on the schedule.
You might also contact local churches and community organizations to see if they are willing to send volunteers out to your home for a few hours. Check out external resources such as Meals on Wheels, transportation services, senior centers and home companions to supplement or replace time consuming chores that you now do.
One very important thing you must do is to say “no” when it is appropriate and necessary for your well-being. Taking care of yourself is just as important as caring for your family.
When it becomes too stressful for you, take time for a respite. Respite literally means a period of rest or relief. Respite care offers a caregiver temporary relief from the responsibilities of caring for individuals with chronic physical or mental disabilities. Respite care is often referred to as a gift of time. Accept the gift. You deserve it!
How did you end up taking care of her? Tell us a little more about your circumstances and how all of this came to be. My heart goes out to you. If she is making your life miserable, then you need to take care of both of you in a way that serves your mom's needs and yours. That may be better done under two separate roofs. God Bless you.
1. The person who answers her call in the middle of the night will be awake and fully ready to deal with whatever the problem is.
2. The persons who care for her during the day have not been up several times in the night and suffering from sleep deprivation.
3. If she is mean and nasty, the caregivers may not be pleased, but they will not break into tears or remember every grievance from childhood or have their self-esteem ruined. HoHum, just another ornery old lady. Her care won't be interupted by their baggage with her past.
4. The facility has the equipment to see that she can bathe safely. They have hand rails down the hallway. They have room to manuever wheelchairs and walkers. Their toilets are accessible. They have what it takes to support her with her changing needs. They can easily accomodate changing dietary needs.
5. Without the burden and fatigue from day-to-day care, her family members are free to relate to her on different terms. She becomes a mother again, and not a patient in their relationship to her. (She is a patient to the professionals.)
6. The services provided are not interupted if some of the providers are out sick or take vacation, etc. There is continuity and reliability to the care.
Advantages of keeping her home and bringing in extra help:
1. She is in familiar surroundings.
2. She may feel more in-charge and independent.
Those are just the advantages to her. Factor in what each choice means to you.
As chellern says, placing Mom in LTC does not mean you are out of the picture. Your role changes from hands-on caregiver to advocate. I have heard people in my caregiver group say that their relationship actually improved when they weren't living in the same house with their loved one. And I've also seen that they continue to put in a lot of time and effort toward their loved one's care.
I agree with Austin that the factors that go into a decision for a spouse are somewhat different than for a parent. But in either case, seriously looking at what is best for the loved one should be the first part of the decision.