Can you force someone to see a doctor?

I agree with most others; don't be buying the cigarettes. To me, it's the same thing for people that can't get out of bed because they eat/weigh too much. Someone has to be bringing in the food/cigarettes or they would not be able to get them.
This should be on YOUR terms. If she goes for regular check-ups have a discussion in front of her with her doctor about your situation. Protect yourself. If worse comes to worse, call EMS to check her out at her home. Good Luck & God Bless all who write in for help and those that respond with their ideas! We're all in this together; together is a GOOD place to be!

Thanks, everyone.
Leolady 2007: My husband was saying my mom sounds like an addict. That's always when she gets the most dramatic, when she's running low on her poison. (She doesn't have a favorite brand, Freqflyer, she'll smoke anything. She prefers the cheapest, but the only thing unacceptable for her is not having her cigarettes.
We have tried a number of things to get her help. In the past when she's been in the hospital (for a UTI where she had a bad bout of delusions) they did a psych evaluation. Nothing. She answered the questions the right way. (She also knows when her rent is due and her pill schedule, so she's got her head on straight in ways.)
Her doctor (and past doctors) have been informed repeatedly about the delusions and the tantrums. We get nowhere with it because she passes their dementia tests well enough.
I've called the Area Agency on Aging and Alzheimer's Association and other places trying to get direction or help and the consensus is you can always try to take it to court but they say it's pretty much an uphill battle up an icy hill.
Last night she called while I was at a friend's and all of a sudden she was like, "Oh I don't think I just hit my arm the other day, I must have hit my head!" She said she was tired and so on. Well, I asked if she wanted me to take her to the hospital. Nope. "Just call me back in an hour and see if I'm still alive."
Now, she's done that in the past so much it's like crying wolf and I tend to believe she's more likely to do it for a reaction than anything. Even one of my friends, who has worked with the elderly in the past said, "It sounds like she wants attention." But I talked to her a bit and then called her back an hour later and she'd napped a bit and said she felt better. (Again, I think it was she'd gotten attention and was calmed by it.) So I left it at that. I'll check again today to see if she got some good rest, but I'm just kind of tired of it.
I used to really worry but I've heard so many threats, gotten so many letters and lectures telling me I'm a jerk or never to talk to her again. I've also heard so many fake diagnoses and talk of doom. She had polyps in her colon and told me it was cancer; later the truth came out. She says she has mini strokes or heart attacks. When it's been timed with a doctor's appointment they'll do a chest x-ray or something and it seems fine.
When I was 11 she told me she had stomach cancer and I was devastated. Then, nothing.
Me: Hey mom, are you going to get treatment?
Her: For what?
Me: Your stomach cancer.
Her: What?
Me: You said you had stomach cancer.
Her: What? Oh no, I don't have that.
Me: But you said you did. Why would you say you have cancer if you don't. I was terrified you were going to die.
Her: Oh, don't be silly. I was just being eccentric.
I've heard that eccentric line for so many years. I've brought it up in the past, citing it was an example of why I'm annoyed or leery. She just replies that I hang on to the bad or only think nasty things of her. Well, I'd kind of like some truth here. Something honest, and not someone who's making crap up because they're bored or angry or depressed or whatever.
She's even threatened suicide if I don't get her her cigarettes and then again, I get labeled a jerk for being annoyed about it. And if I say, "how would you like it if I said I was going to cut my wrists because you wouldn't buy me a pair of earrings?" she doesn't get it.
So it's a dilemma. This old, feeble yet manipulative mother vs. a daughter who is tired of being expected to be her mother's dog. I want to give her real help, and not deal with this drama and lying and crazy talk anymore.

Heidi, sounds like your Mom has her favorite brand of cigarettes... since advertising of cigarettes are far and few between here in the States, any chance you could tell your Mom that brand is no longer available.... and bring her home a brand that you know she won't like. Of course, she might get use to the other brand, or decide it's not worth smoking anymore. You might be able to clear that smoking hurdle.

It sounds like it is not even about going to a doctor. You have a classic addict/enabler relationship, period. How many times did you say 'cigarettes'? One of the most addictive things on the planet; and you enable mom to get them because I don't know of a delivery service that will! Why even be a part of this bi-polar need you/don't need you scene? This issue isn't 'doctor' the issue is POWER. Oh, and believe me, I have had parents that sat around and made bad decisions, had the power [the money] and the ability to do so because other people [not me] where their YES men. I refused to play the game; it only works when 2 play it. In the end, my mom would make statements like 'I want to move my house to make the neighbors mad'. Any sane person needs to just walk away from this. Send cards, see her for holidays, but don't be part of the madness [or the ADDICTION] and walk away and make the relationship what YOU want, not what she wants...

It could be fractured. Still worth having it checked.

I have the same situation, just substitute "cigarettes" for "beer". My dad takes medicine to prevent blood clots. We were told explicitly that if he ever hits his head he should go to the ER immediately, because he may have bleeding in the brain due to the clotting medicine. Nope. He falls, hits his head, and refuses to go to the hospital. This has happened more than once. He doesn't want to spend money on the co-pays, even though he can easily afford it. I told him "good luck", and that somebody will let me know if he dies.

I didn't ask the question, but I want to thank everyone for their responses. My MIL who is now 98 has refused to go to a doctor for the last 10 years and she wasn't mentally disabled at that time. I was feeling threatened as her caretaker w/o gardianship or POA not to be able to convince to go. Now I understand my rights/role a bit better. You are correct: in her mind you go to a hospital to die . . . to go to a doctor to find out what you don't want to know (and they don't know what they are talking about anyway.) She has excellent supplementary insurance that I made sure she would have so when the time comes she will be covered. Fortunately she also inherited all the "good" genes so her health has been relatively good. But -- she is 98 years old and absolutely refuses to even take an asprin for a headache!

You're dealing with a difficult relationship. You're angry not just at her but at yourself for how you play into it. There's a lot of growing you can do on your own, in terms of how you participate in this. Think more about YOUR choices and less about how to make her change hers. That will actually achieve more change than anything else -- and the stuff it won't change, it'll change how you feel about it.

Refuse to get her cigarettes and she'll do just about anything for you (bitching the whole time). Don't take anything personally and know you are her angel whether she realizes it or not. ; )

In the area where we live, there are a growing number of doctors who make house calls for elderly patients. In fact, several doctors only do housecalls for the elderly as their entire practice. They can order in x-rays right to the house, blood tests, etc. All this comes to the house to prevent the senior from having to leave his or her home. All these services take Medicare.

Don't know if this is an option for you, but wanted to mention it as it might help you or someone else.

Meanwhile, to echo the chorus, yes, you cannot force your mom to see a doctor. Only a guardian can force someone to do something. As it's been explained to us, seniors have the right to make bad decisions. However, if your mom were to be found incompetent and you named the guardian, then that's a different story. She no longer has the right to make decisions and you or whomever's guardian makes all of them for her. This is another just another option.

We don't know if there is a word that describes what we go through when we are forced to sit back and watch our parents make bad decisions. "Frustrated" doesn't even begin to cover it.

Dave recommended a welfare check. We recommend you keep APS or the police out of your business until it's an emergency. At that point, call 911 for the police and/or an ambulance. The police are needed in case your mom is seriously hurt or in danger but is refusing assistance. The ambulance will take her to the ER for care.

If she was my mother (which she is not), she would have had the arm x-ray. It should not have been a forced issue she should want to know if it was broken.
I would have told her we would get the cigarettes after we got the x-ray or she would do without smoking.
It goes without saying that she needs to be under a doctor's care, a good primary doctor. Sounds like mental health issues could be in play, or she has some ongoing infections which are upsetting her personality--either way a doctor's workup seems in order.
The smoking is a problem too, not just the health issue but if she has mobility issues (falling into the refrigerator) then she will likely fall asleep smoking and light up the house.
Either way she will be seeing a doctor, if she continues to ignore the health problems---she will land in a hospital and then be under medical care.
If there is no reasoning with her, then just let things ride and be prepared to call the EMTs when she ends up traveling to the local ER.
You are not a sucker/child for trying to help her, at some point she will not be able to live without her daughter's help and she will hopefully correct the attitude at that point. You are trying to be a good daughter, she is lucky you care.

Agree with Sodonewithsal1!! Stop buying her cigarettes! Sounds like she needs an evaluation overall. Tell her you'll buy her cigarettes after you take her to the doctors. You are enabling her narcissistic behavior. My Dad was like this but had dementia and refused to go to the doctor after several falls. Well, the last one did him in and now he is in a nursing home for 2.5 years. So you decide. Sorry to be so blunt, just hate to see people go through what I went through.

xo
-SS

Maybe next time, if you think she really needs medical attention, you could refuse to get her cigarettes until she gets checked out. She'd probably yell and carry on, but you'd have the upper hand. No smokes until she sees a doctor.

Is there a governmental body to call and ask them too conduct a wellness check on the person?

Do you know her doctor's name? Do you have a signed HIPAA giving you access to information from her caregivers? If not you can talk to doctor to give information but doctor can't give you answers

Invest a few hundred dollars and visit with a elder affairs attorney and get your family documents in order. Being next of kin means nothing.

Heidi, it's infuriating, maddening and idiotic. But rest your mind - if she's done any serious damage to her arm it will soon be so obvious that even she won't be able to ignore it.

[Um. A bit swollen in the forearm, but where was the impact, did she let you see? Just a heads up - you want to keep an eye out for anything she might have dislodged in her elbow. But worry about that if it doesn't start getting better of its own accord.]

And if I were you I'd frame that letter and use it as a shield next time she accuses you of neglecting her duty. "Here, mother, see? Your instructions. Your signature. So." Mind you then she'd probably only move on to accusing you of forgery instead… groan. You can't win.

Don't start treating this, by the way, if she asks you for heat packs or ice packs or rubs or anything. When it comes to treatment it's your way (MOTHER SEE A DOCTOR) or nothing.

Nope, you cannot force someone to go to the clinic or ER if they don't want to go. I went through this with my bedridden father last year. Based on his coughing and phlegm, I knew he had pneumonia. He refused to go. I called 911 and Begged for an ambulance (told them the truth that dad would refuse to go), they came, questioned him, he passed their dementia test, they left without taking him. They were quite gentle in telling me that they cannot force him against his will.

I then called APS. You know -his decision was a danger to his health. I was told that he has a right to refuse medical help. If he wants to die, that is his choice. They then referred me to an elder law attorney. I was told the same thing. Finally, I was told here on this site that eventually the pain will force my dad to seek medical help. Yep, a week later, he told me to call the ambulance and take him to ER.

I agree, don't force your Mom to go to a doctor unless it is an emergency.

I believe some people rather not go to a doctor of any type because they are afraid the doctor might find something that needs attention. It's the fear of the unknown, and I can understand that.

Heidi, my Mom has the opposite problem, she insists on going to her annual appointments with a whole group of different doctors, and at 96 she still insist on getting a mammogram [it takes two technicians to help her because she is frail], and I am thinking even on the remote chance something is found, Mom couldn't have surgery nor could survive chemo at her age. But I still take her.

No. Why would you want to force her? If it was broken, she'd be in excruciating pain. I myself probably wouldn't go to the doctor. Further, a trip to the DOCTOR would be a waste of two hours in the waiting room. He'd just send her for an x-ray to cover his behind. Pick your battles. To me? This isn't one I'd address.