My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

i moved my mom in feb.this year. i am unemployed currently. she was staying in her hoje eith son that never moved out. she is 79 he 47.he always been spoiled and treated her bad but she always sticks up for him and when she sad and nervous i say whats wrong she says nothing. even when he was 21 he not pay rent - she would cry and tell me and when i would ask him he would walk up to her and say mom i paid you rent - didnt i and she would say - yes. so partly her fault for spoiling him. my husband and i always stay home- i said lets not use her as excuse for nver gong out as a matter of fact lets make sure we do or we both will g crazy and blame it on alzhkkemer mom. so we went on cruise for his 35th high school reuninon . we had my daughte4r stay here. we also are starting t hav3 company over- we fixed up our porch with patio furniture, tiki lights, and a heater cuz my mom gets cold. we bought a hot tub on craigs list and use that when mom goes to bed. we order the ufc fights and she watches with. we are going to have peopple over more- i am going to alzheimer meetings on mondays and a recovery group on tues. and church on sat. nite and will bring her with me. i like to be isolated- like to stay home- but my mom did the same thing starting at 60- i do not want to use her as an excuse to stay home ( even though i like to) so live your life- have people over- join groups and LIVE!

She's 91.

maggiesue - Sounds like you dealt with things much better today. Good. May I ask how old your mother is?

Wow, Dede! Sounds like we spent the afternoon in the same way.

Having vented here before I left made me feel more in control and I went in my mother's house with a sense of purpose that I don't usually have. I told her what we were going to do. Usually I let her muddle around and tell me.

The first thing she said to me was I was not talking loud enough. We go thru this every single time I enter her home. Then she remembers that she needs to put in her hearing aids. Usually she complains about the hearing aids but today I hustled her along and didn't listen to the story of how the audiologist ripped her off. Some of the reason she cannot hear is she can't comprehend more than five or six syllables at a time. All communication has to be dumbed down to her ability. So I wind up using hand signals and grunting a lot.

We went to the pet store and got her cat some flea & tick medicine. Mother stayed in the car but gave me her credit card. The girl at the store was kind enough to come out to the car to get a signature on the sale. Oh how much easier that was for all of us than me trying to get her out of the car and walking her to the back of the store.

Then we went to the hardware store where she insisted on coming in. She bought batteries for her hearing aids. I have to check those kind of purchases to make sure she gets the right size. She thinks the people at the hardware store remember her and treat her special. They remember her all right as she sometimes brings them old junk from my dad's workbench thinking they can sell it. It's embarassing for me, but they are kind enough about it and take the stuff.

Then we went to a grocery store where she sent me in to get her donuts. They we went to another grocery store to get lunch from the deli and other groceries.

After that we ate, I dosed the cat with flea and tick medicine, paid the bills and turned her mattress and made up her bed. She delayed me by telling me she was too tired to sign the checks for the bills. Once I got her to do that, I stopped by the post office and mailed them and came home and ate ice cream.

I feel pretty good now that it's over for a week. I still call her every evening just to make sure she's still able to answer the phone. If she doesn't answer, I go over there and check on her.

I decided to make a list of all the things she will say when I visit on Sunday. I can make a game out of predicting the repititous "conversation". It's not really conversation because I don't get to say more than 5 syllables at a time.

She will always tell me about her money. She is convinced that she is wealthy and is very proud that it gives her a step up in life where she can look down on the "little people". In reality she is not wealthy but has enough that I don't have to chip in.

Also she will comment about my hair. I keep it sort of short. Mother doesn't like short hair and thinks I should not wear short hair. Her personality disorder is such that she can't tell the difference between me and her. She says she "lives through me" and expects me to relate the details of my life to her everyday. Then she picks thru what I tell her and decides what is acceptable for her. You can be sure I don't tell her much anymore. She's got enough of my life as it is.

She's about as close to psychotic as you can get without being truly out of touch with reality. And now she's ancient and living in her dream world. Her brain is slow, but she doesn't seem to have dementia.

It's just tough to have to spend time in her fairytale world.

Maggiesue - I can commiserate with you so much. I also wonder why she's still alive. I can't even go to church without lying to her about where I have been, because she wants to go witih us and the last time we took her, she complained so loudly about how much she hated the service that I vowed that I would never take her again. What an embarrassment! Speaking LOUDLY in CHURCH about how stupid she thought it was. I was raised Lutheran and the church we choose to go to is not Luthern, but a non demoninational Chriastian church. She is angry because it is not Lutheran.
She also yammers constantly and it is ALWAYS about some grudge or misconceived notion that she has, or crying about how my family doesn't like being around her, or that someone where she lives dresses weird or wears their hair weird or.... whatever it is... she NEVER has anything to nice to say about anything or anybody.
She has "yammered" consistanly for the last 10 years about wanting to move back to Colorado. Now that my husband has been transferred to Colorado, she thinks its a bad idea and doesn't want to go. I've told her, "Fine, stay here, but the rest of us are moving." She says maybe she'll just die and then we won't have to worry about. I have to bite my tongue to not tell her that she is right and we would be better off.
Now, I am on my way to do my weekly duties - groceries, medication, go through all her JUNK mail that I have told her a thousand times to just throw away (but she insists that I look at it first).... blah blah blah.... I dread it sooooo much.
So, MaggieSue, I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying and going through. I pray that we both can find peace with all of this soon.

I visit her out of duty. It means I can actually do something rather than just wait for a crisis. Also I don't like the idea of other people being mean to her which I've seen because she is so obnoxious. I feel I have to protect her from the bullies because she is my mother.

I listen to her to try to determine if there is something different in her life which would signal a need for medical evaluation or a deterioration in her condition to the point that her living situation needs to be changed. I'm ready to step in but can't do it if she is still capable of being in charge of her life.

I take her on errands because she needs transportation and help carrying groceries. Fortunately she has given up driving on her own. The lady next door had two accidents before she decided not to drive. I think that was a deciding factor for my mother. Sometimes you get lucky.

Okay. Here I go. I can almost predict the conversation it's so repititious and boring. God help me.

Why do you visit her, Maggiesue? Maybe someplace inside you don't hate her so much. It hurts to hear how upset you are. Maybe you can make yourself feel a little better by listening to your mother for 5 minutes without getting irritated.

I have to leave in few minutes for my weekly visit with my mother. I have anxiety that is located in the pit of my stomach.

It wouldn't be so bad if she would just quit talking. But she yammers constantly. Most of it doesn't make sense or is a repeat of what she's already told me. Often it is some grudge against someone in her past like the way her father ran the family when she was growing up.

I really hate her. Why is she still alive?

I am trying to learn from all these experiences and hope I will be able to make it a little easier for anyone who has to take care of me someday.

One of the things that works the best for me, is that no matter what happens, try to be positive with my dad. If he says something inappropriate, we just fly past the comment, and answer in the affirmative. I have seen the above, while visiting, he'll just get up from the table and walk away. OK, visit over. No, I'll walk down to his room, and it's as if I just got there. Hmmmm. But he yells at my little one sometimes. We managed to talk him into following us to an outdoor courtyard for a picnic last week, and he yelled at his grandson to "come back here...NOW!" He does that at times, or he'll call him my his little brother's name. He also tried to put baked beans in my coffee. We don't take him too seriously, but always try to be kind. I do a lot of smiling while there, because the other residents are always trying to get our attention. Sometimes my smile just hides the tears trying to well up at all the pitiful things I see and feel. I get real emotional about my dad, especially. I sometimes have to look away, so he can't see me cry. I tried to tell him the other day that his firstborn had a birthday...that he held me soooooo many years ago. I even point blank told him it was my birthday. He did catch on at all. My dad is drifting away. I have learned not to take things personally. It's definitely not his fault, and he can't help it.

Pictures don't work, because he asks, "Who's that?" He doesn't remember being a pharmacist, or much of anything. A picture of his mom and dad produced a happy response: "That's mama and papa," for which I've never heard him address his parents that way before. His dad's been gone since 1962, and mom since 1985.

When mom visits, and kisses him, he doesn't seem to mind, but he won't leave my side to do what she wants... She's always been very controlling, and she's antagonistic toward me. He seems to prefer me to her. She has cognitive issues, and will never understand. The whole package is hard for me. Mixed emotions go with the territory. My comfort comes from elsewhere.

Thanks for that info, Ed. I remember the day I said to my husband: "I am afraid of my Dad." So sad. But as it says in Ed's piece above, there are moments spent together. I can feel the important moments of love and I know I will look back later and be thankful for this time I've had with my Dad at the end of his life. I've finally learned to just be quiet when my Dad gets into an angry tirade of some kind ( about politics, or complaining about various things). When I used to engage with him while he was angry, it only made it worse. A nurse advised me to just be quiet. That helped a lot. He eventually calms down and we move on to a different subject. Connie, what you are going through with your Mom is so very hard, and I'm sorry you are. I think you are smart to keep your visits a month apart. Don't you think if our parents could talk to us, with their "old" personalities and minds, that they would be telling us to take care of ourselves and limit our visits if it is too painful for us?

MIA:

If I were to provide you with a link to the information below, that'd be tantamount to advertising -- and will be deleted. So I copied and pasted. Later on I'll contact the author and thank her profusely.

"Visiting with a person who has Alzheimer's disease and lives in a nursing home is not always an easy experience. You will probably have many questions before visiting. What should we talk about? What should I do when she calls me the wrong name? What should I do when he does not respond at all? How do I visit with her in front of all those other people? What should I do when other residents seek my attention?

No matter what happens during a visit, there is one important goal to keep in mind: The purpose of the visit is not to share information but to share a moment together and have a pleasant experience. To accomplish this goal, there are several tips to keep in mind:

Let the person with Alzheimer's disease set the pace.

Your loved one may not be ready for a visit the moment you arrive. Does he or she seem agitated? Does she walk away in the middle of the conversation? If the answer is yes, it might not be a good time for a visit. Or it might require that you spend the visit together just walking quietly.

Bring in supplies for the visit.

It is often difficult to converse with a person who is confused. Having a bag of supplies ready when you visit can help to make the time more pleasant for you and your loved one. Bring along old family pictures, greeting cards, stuffed animals to hold or lotion to apply. It's all right to have a visit with little or no conversation; just doing something together can also be enjoyable.

Realize that the feelings shared are more important than the content of your conversation.

When talking with someone who has Alzheimer's disease, the content of the conversation is much less important than how a loved one feels about the conversation. You don't have to correct your loved one if he or she says something you know is incorrect. If he or she confuses the year or calls you by the wrong name, it's not important. Ask questions of a general nature rather than details that he is likely to have forgotten already.

Talk about past events.

As Alzheimer's disease progresses, people with the disease are able to remember less and less of the events that happened in recent years. Most of what they remember happened many years ago. When you are visiting, it is often better to draw upon these past events than to talk about what happened over the weekend or that morning. Favorite stories can be told over and over.

Visit during scheduled activities.

Visiting while activities are taking place in the facility can help make the time more pleasant. Check with the staff to see which activities would be most suitable for your involvement.

Expect to have other residents join you.

When you are visiting a nursing home, other residents will often try to join in your conversation. After several visits, having extra people around will probably seem normal, and it may help the visit to go more smoothly. If you would like to have more privacy, ask staff for a room where you can meet with your loved one without any distractions.

Limit the number of family members.

It is not always a good idea to have several family members visit at one time since it may add to your loved one's confusion. In addition, the normal playfulness of smaller children might be too much for your loved one.

Bring in favorite foods to share. Your loved one might appreciate a special main dish or dessert. The food might serve as a topic for discussion. If possible, prepare a treat with your loved one to make it even more meaningful."

Hope that helps.

-- ED

I understand your mixed emotions. My dad was real angry, hostile, and belligerent at one point. Some medications helped with that, but it was never 100% comfortable to be around him. Since then, his disease has taken the form of many changes over the course of it. He's at the point now of doing some very disgusting things. Once in awhile he surprises me, and we have a pleasant visit, but not always. He has gotten to the point where we can't understand a thing he says, so it makes for difficulty communicating with him. Can't imagine what he is thinking or experiencing, but judging from the words that come out of his mouth, his world is chaos and confusing. He spends a lot of time napping. We find ourselves spending less and less time there visiting. So I agree with you, because it is very sad to watch a loved one fade away like this.

I have the exact same problem. I visit my mom once a month. She doesnt recognize me anymore. She thinks I am a thief and nearly stubbed me once with a knife she took from the kitchen. I think I am afraid of her. It makes me cry every time I think I dont want to see her. Mixed feelings it is really sad.

Hang on and don't throw up, will ya! Don't let it get you down!
The sun will come out tomorrow - read your wall! Hang in there and hang on tight and don't let them drag you down... stay stuck at the top where you need to be!

Here's a hint - sometimes you really have to tick em off to get em outta your hair.... !!! I don't like to be ugly but if that's what it takes! Throw up on em! HA!

Hey giggle my latest post is OK I'm sick of this rollar-coaster ride. They are trying to drag me into some more madness but I'm holding strong to the nae side.

Pamela, how are things with you as well?

Mia1962 how are things going? I haven't been on this thread in a while but I do still think of this post.

Hows everything going and how is your daughter doing?

Am dreading going to visit him this week for some reason... just don't want to go.. these gray dreary days seem to have everyone in a funk here... oh well! Pray n press on!

awwwwwww! Why won't they just cooperate?

The stubborn one is refusing to wear the new pants that I bought him now... so see... grrr!

Oh, yeah, and chocolate truffles, too! LOL

I love that Gigglebox: "...whatever floats your boat." Yes, we all need some reprieve, and some of that!

"Willing to consider it" is a good start... praying that she comes around... my dad is starting to become more social after nearly 1 1/2 yrs at the nursing home... somtimes it takes time... and he's quite the stubborn one!

Keep us posted - you deserve a day of peace n quiet - truffles and tv or whatever floats your boat!

pamela and secretsister - thanks for the suggestion. I got away for a week in Nov and it did help, but I still really want some time alone in my own home. Mom has always been resistent to the idea of going to a center during the day. I talked to her again this weekend and she is willing to consider it. If she decides she likes it, they have Saturday hours. I could take her for a day (around $55) and have a whole day to myself at home! I hope this works out.

I sold my parents home - the one that I grew up in - last October.. I live close enough that I can still drive by and I hope to visit again to see what improvements that they have done to the place. It was a burden off of my shoulders and I didn't have to "stage it", either. My dad wasn't very much of a handyman and things were starting to fall apart. It is great to see new life in the old homestead !

I also cherish my mother's recipes! And gardening stories... !Thanks for letting me share that, btw!!

What I missed out from mom is not so much gardening..but German recipes like apple pancakes and cooked red cabbage and marrow (balls) dumplings and egg noodles from scratch and some other items. I did write some notes a long time ago with her glad I did at least that, because the discussion for that is kinda over. In fact been trying my hand at the German applepancakes during the holidays told b/f was going to make some again.

I have a feeling that when I get done with the garden in years to come it will be better than my parents had ever acheived. The house too will be renovated and will look better than she ever did as well. I kinda wish they could see what I can acomplish with her. I tried to get my mom to redo the driveway to cement from asphalt...noooo, new garage door...noooo. So she would never let me try to fix the place up. Only last year when she got a little mixed up and I was with her for a month did I finally get the garbage disposal fixed...that was alwasy no as well...go figure...wierd!

Gardening soothes the soul. Believe me I've started myself after years and years of my mom telling me to help her and learn. I never would until now as she is unable to keep up her beautiful garden (flowers and veggies).

I love it and there is nothing more peaceful. when it's all done you can sit back and admire. It's never ending though but well worth it.

Toochee' to your special Gardeners gigglebox. They are making heaven a more beautiful place for sure!!

Gardening is where it all began, girls and guys! And Eve had to mess it up - ha! Seriously, I find that first "dirt manicure" of the spring quite therapeutic!!! It has rained here today and frost probably still not outta the picture so I am holding back on planting.. but tulips and daffodils are shooting up! Any words on roses, Pirate Gal? Maybe you need to write down some of your mom's hints and advice as well... just a thought!

My mom and grandmother were both avid gardeners... I wish now that I had paid more attention to them. My granny's house was surrounded by flowers n vegetables... and just for the record... when my mom was in her final days, she mentioned that she was going home to garden with her mom - she saw colorful flowers in heaven!!!!