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The kids didn't get a trip to the store b/c they were so antsy - but we survived. Dad has me on my toes and anxious enough so we will save a trip to the store for another day!
If the kids are older and 'harder' to please, have THEM decide what they would like to bring to "DO" with PopPop, but they have to bring something!
Have them use their imagination, and tell them that PopPop's condition is not contagious, but a bad attitude is. Tell them you will reward them for every SMILE they see.
OH... and let them know that in a nursing home... kids are ROCK STARS!! Anything a kid does in a nursing home is relished by the elderly. They see their past in their actions! And its ALL good.
God bless Gigglebox...(I love the name)
Your 'story' is very much like mine was (Mom passed on May 7th) and I have to say, that knowing "Mom" is/was in a safe place is/was MUCH better for everyone. Don't feel guilty.... but please continue to visit her.
NOT visiting is not the answer. We both know that. God bless you for being willing to walk into the 'mind field' .
Now about her 'wanting to go home with you'. This is very normal,and with the use of therapeutic lies you can easily side step those 'land mines' by calmly and happily letting her know that she "WILL" be able to come home.... right after you finish cleaning the carpets (use that one visit) or right after you get the car fixed.
Reassure her that she is in a very safe environment and that your 'home' is in a bit of an upheaval, so ask her for a little more time to get things in order. I know it seems like a sin to lie to someone, but believe me, they will feel better and God understands.
I found it helpful to have something FUN to do when you visit. Even a small puzzle, or a small snack and a warm cup of tea helps.
Now when its time to leave, just make sure she is 'occupied', never say 'goodbye' just let her know that you are running out to the store, and you will be right back, or you have to go to work, or you have to pickup the laundry or anything else and calmly leave, preferably when she isn't watching you leave. Ask the nurses assistant to help distract her when you are ready to leave.
So often we feel 'guilty' or panic when we have to visit our parents, husbands, or loved ones, not unlike what they must have felt when they had to take us to the doctors, or leave us at 'daycare' or school. The 'flight' response is very strong, BUT since we are not in any real danger, we should fight that response and go anyway.
If seeing your parent in a 'home' bothers you, make her room more personal. Ask what you can bring to make it more personal, even just a comforter or blanket may help.
What activities did you do with your parent in their home when you visited? Did you have tea and cookies? Lunch? Did you watch TV, or go for a walk, or have friends over? Why not try to recreate this activity with them where they are now?
I had little influence over my family and their visits, but hopefully I can help others that realize what is going on to VISIT!! We can't visit them after they are gone, and the guilt and pain that we will feel by not doing it now are much greater once they are gone.
Only you can decide what is best for you. I am not one to judge, but I do know that I made up for 'not' visiting my mother when she lived with my brother by going as OFTEN as I could when she was in the skilled nursing facility. And I am not sorry I did.
Even when 'brother' and I crossed paths in the nursing home, I just let him wheel Mom away from me, knowing that he would only be with her for 20 minutes, and I would have the rest of the day with her myself. He never gave me the time of day, but that's ok... I have my OWN watch!! :)
You and I know it's only the disease talking, but it sounded strange coming from his grandma. She thought he was her husband, before they got married. He grew a little more apart from her, even though he knew it was the disease talking. For crying out loud, she used to watch him, buy him crayons and coloring books. Just think, if you're male, what would you think if your grandma asked you that? If you're female, what would you think if your grandpa asked you that?
I just can't deal with her going back to her childhood and thinking she has
to go to school and her parents are alive. I tried to get into that world, but I wasn't going to let me be sucked into her world completely or I'd lose myself.
She is such a sweetie and I love her for many reasons. 1) I was caring for her b/c it was a way of paying her back. She would take care of my son, when he was younger, 2) She would take me to work and take me grocery shopping 3) pick up my son from preschool, school if he was sick, karate, etc .
I think anne123 said it best - they are a different person now. Just like a kid who changes and develops a new personality, Mom has changed, too. My mother has forgotten my name, told me to leave after 10 minutes...She can't talk on the phone, but I call the nurses station often to find out how she is, I bring treats and flowers (she couldn't care less sometimes!). I'm trying to do the best I can for her - no one - including her - and including myself - could ask for more.
Dont "suck it all in" - don't make yourself sick. Your Mom is being taken care - go when you can.
I love my dad, and spend as much time at the nursing home as I can, but his wife (mom) rarely goes, and only for show. That is the worst part of all. Yes, it's difficult watching dad decline, and all the behaviors associated with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, but the horrendous family dynamics are the biggest heartbreak of all. Thank God some people see it for what it is, but some do not, and they are part of the problem. Wednesday's child is full of woe, and I was born into adversity. I'm asking for strength to endure. Mom is declining in her cognitive abilities, and worsening in her envy and hate. My sister's greed and bitterness knows no bounds. I grieve. At least my dad still gives me hugs. No pity party here, just stark reality, and it's not pretty.
Ultimately, we stand before God. And he knows our heart, and who is doing right, and who is doing wrong. Ultimately, I hope to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Now, enter into thy rest." That is my great hope. Until then, I'll appreciate all the prayer support I can get. Thank you, and God speed, fellow caregivers.
you can do this, we arent given things in life we cant handle...
I'm so glad you posted on this site. I hope that helps a little. If I were there, I'd offer you a cup of coffee and a hug. I'd attend a dementia support group with you. Know you're not alone. God cares, and I'm saying a prayer for you. Please keep writing. And please take care of yourself. You deserve to live free, and at peace. Hugs for all you're going through.
Both my parents would have hated to see themselves in chairs, wearing diapers and unable to feed themselves. They were proud strong people married seventy years. I get physically nauseated before my visits and deeply depressed after. The only other relatives are elderly and living in Florida. The nurses and cna's are great people. My parents were always clean and dressed properly when I visited. It's Mother's Day tomorrow and i'm in the fetal position sucking down ice cream. My life sux right now and I want to be free from the pressure.
Life is so the drama - and I see that the drama has continued for all of us. OH - and he even called all of the relatives b/c I was missing in action (I let the answering machine pick up!) Do you know how annoying it is to be in Wal-Mart shopping and have your cell phone go off fifty times? GRRR!
Oh my! How I have missed you all!
Secret Sister, you are so right - it's all about BALANCE! And how I needed a break !!! A few days away and a few more hiding out at home with my family - it was wonderful!
I fully sympathize with not wanting to go. My Dad also has Alzheimer's, and lives 500+ miles away. I dread driving to the airport for another visit, dread making the phone calls. It truly hurts to give up control of one's life, but they do need oversight.
My GP put me on Celexa because it is an antidepressant with some amount of anti-anxiety activity. This has helped, and I also have Klonopin (anti-anxiety) which I take on the actual visits.
Other things that have helped - forcing myself to take time to walk on a regular basis, especially when I am at my Dad's home. Talking to friends and to my pastor.
I wish you all the best.