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That's not the hand you've been dealt.
Your father has been abusive to his womenfolk your whole life. No behavior change of YOURS is going to alter that reality.
It would be lovely if the church folk saw your dad for who and what he is (and maybe some do) but their opinion isn't worth a hill of beans, is it?
Whose opinion and respect means something to you?
Yours? God's? Your friends'?
For me, it was no more Christmases when I had to pick up, cook, and host. From then on, it was visiting only. Again, you choose when to stop.
I would have a nice sit down with him after the holiday and tell him what he does to you is abuse and he has done it to u and Mom since you can remember. You have tried to be a "good" daughter but seems its not being appreciated because he treats you like a dog and your not putting up with it anymore. You are taking a vacation from him. He is safe where he is. He has 3 meals a day and staff to help him. Activities to join into. Its all up to him. He can continue to be a miserable negative man and die lonely or appreciate what he has and a daughter who is willing to help his miserable a**.
Take that small meal to him and tell him you will not be picking him up. You are going to spend a quiet Christmas at home. You do not need his negativity and abuse on Christ's birthday. Say Merry Christmas and walk out. He needs to learn, even at this age, that he can't treat people the way he does. Your first post was in August. I think u have done enough. My Dad was a Curmudgeon but he knew the word Thank you.
You deserve to be able to enjoy the holidays without dads negativity, so if that means leaving him at the facility, then so be it.
And if he agrees to try to be nicer and later starts in with his negativity, just pack his things back up and bring him back to his facility, as you need to set some healthy boundaries. Perhaps he'll eventually get the picture if you stick to your guns.
Best wishes and Merry Christmas!
I told him today that I would not tolerate him talking to me like a dog and as he always does, he turned it back on me by trying to say I talk to him wrong. The holidays are supposed to be happy. If he does this tomorrow, I will tell him that I'm taking him back. I'm not getting any younger myself ( 54) and I want to enjoy every moment.
Life is way to short to have to put up with anyone(parent or not)that negative.
Merry Christmas Eve FB! 😍
It is possible that taking him out of his "element", the place where he is comfortable he gets stressed.
So your holiday with dad is celebrated when you chose to.
If you want to celebrate the day of. you go a bit early and have a VISIT. Just make it like any other day.
Adding a lot of other people is just more confusing. It is a lot to process and if a person with dementia is trying to "cover up" or "showtime" the more people, the more time that they have to "act" results in more stress and that leads to anger, outbursts, and sometimes violence. (not intended but out of frustration)
If you want to celebrate the day before or the day after that is fine as well.
One of the things that hit me when I was caring for my Husband is that there are NO holidays anymore. A day, is a day, is a day. I got up at the same time did the same routine day after day after day. He had no clue that it was a "different" day.
So bottom line is there is no more "normal" give up the notion of the Hallmark Holiday and the Hallmark Family
I am uncertain, given all the woes this man has for you, why you would attempt to spend this time with him.
But I support your choices, as an adult.
I must assume when you have had enough you will step enabling his bad behavior by letting it rule your life and reactions.
I am hoping you have a happy holiday, Faithful. I have good feeling about your deciding for yourself whether to include your Dad in your holiday joy. You have waited for a long time for your dad to be "someone else". It looks like that won't happen. He's the same guy you already know so well.
I guess I'm just trying to be a "good daughter but it does seem to work. Merry Christmas !
I'm one for saying do what makes you comfortable. There is no need to bring up or even remind a parent that if they don't treat you with respect, you won't be picking them up. All they will do is try to twist it around on you.
Bring some peace in your life and stop catering to someone whose brain is broken and they will not remember what you said anyway.
Wishing you and your family a very peaceful holiday.
My mom was an easy person. We had a decent relationship. Once she needed nursing home level care (vascular Dementia, broken hip repair, incontinent), I NEVER took her out of the NH without medical transport and a hired aide, and then only for medical appointments.
You do not "owe" your father entertainment and outings. I used to wheel mom around the NH grounds in good weather, around the various wings of the home in the winter, read to her and caught her up on family and neighborhood news. I brought her a sweet (usually chocolate) treat and good coffee.
That was the norm for visits from my brothers, sisters in law and me.
You have expectations that are unrealistic, for dad, you and his circumstances.
It is definitely too much for me. Loading up the wheelchair is a chore because it is heavy. He seems to have gotten to the point where he thinks he is the child and I'm supposed to be his parent. I will continue to stick to doing what is best for me because I have a daughter that needs me.