By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
But the financial burden is the small part of the problem, I would guess.
Why does your family have to understand that caregiving is killing you? Why is it your job to teach them? Your siblings are going to do whatever they are going to do. Why should that stop you from doing what you have to do?
Please take charge and do what you have to do. Do not abandon your father, however difficult he is, but transfer burden of daily care to professionals. Find a suitable long term care facility for him, and visit him often. Have breakfast with him on Wednesdays, and lunch on Mondays, and take him out to a movie or for a walk in his wheelchair on Fridays ... send him funny, cheery greeting cards. Continue to show your love. But not in your house, not 24/7, and not with your own money.
Sure you hate seeing your family like that -- who wouldn't? But their behavior is not your problem. If you don't know what to do, listen to your doctor and reduce the tremendous stress load you are under, before it kills you.
You are a fine daughter, and a worthy, unique individual. You deserve good care. Please take care of yourself!
Your sibs understand. They just think you're getting what's coming to you for hogging their "entitlements." Besides, you're single and w/o children. If you weren't caring for your dad, how else are you going to quell those instinctual, caregiving desires most people assume women have? In a nutshell, you're perfect for the job; even if it kills you.
Have a talk with your father. Tell him you're sacrificing your worldly possessions and yourself to care for him, and that it's time he pulls his own weight or make other arrangements. He can take it out of what you're supposed to be "inheriting": more verbal abuse, relationships gone down the drain, friction with your sibs. He's a real peach. Nothing's changed except his age.
I'd present him with 2 choices: shape up or ship out. People like him have a nasty habit of surviving their children, and you almost have one foot in the grave.
Now a better question might be, "Why do you put yourself in these positions where you are always giving and others are always taking?' You need to look inside yourself and ask why the need to be loved is worth more than your own health and potential happiness. I don't think you feel loved by those you have sacrificed for and that is the writing on the wall. Please take time to read it and weave into your being.
I give you great credit for trying to start your home business, but it won't help you if your brain is so scrambled from seizures that you can't think straight or if they cause your death.
Sweetheart, stop being the doormat for everyone else. Set some honest boundaries and make you the priority. I hope you understand that I am saying this with love and compassion. Nevertheless, you need to do for yourself what you do for everyone else.
The stress is still not worth it some days; and I also am looking into the very expensive care in an institution. But knowing I am not being taken advantage of financially and physically helps me to hang on, and at the same time giving her excellent care, which makes the situation much more tolerable. You need to be getting something out of this to feel good about caring for your father. I also have a ne're do well sister who did not visit my Mom, send a card, or make a phone call to her in 15 years, while living just down the street. She surfaced after learning my mother was declining, showed up uninvited at my mother's home, and all she talked about was she should get some of the money. My mother to this day does not know "who that woman was." I call it "divine intervention"; and she still asks me who that woman was. And, that is the reason I went to see the attorney; not to find out what I could get. but how to deal with my sister. The saints were lookiing over me when I made that appointment. I urge you to see an Elder Care Attorney in your area, and find out where to start, and what your rights are. At least then, you are taking care of yourself the best way you can, which will make you feel better and all the giving you are doing to your father.
You say your main issue is with your sibs. Indeed. There are many posters here with selfish siblings, who want what they can get, but will not be supportive in any way. I have one like that. You are the "care giver" in the family, and have been there for them. It is natural to expect that they will be there for you, but they are not. Sounds like dad is very self centered, even narcissistic, and your sibs are too. This is unlikely to change, and, as others have said, beating your head against that brick wall is only hurting you. I have found that I have more peace and protection accepting that is how it is. My mother and sister are narcissistic, and will use me to the extent that I allow it. I have had to put some serious boundaries in place, as my health was being affected. It sounds like you need to do more of that too. Living with an abusive person is very stressful and, in your case, could be lethal. I personally believe that no one should put up with abuse, and that anyone who is on the receiving end of abusive behaviour needs to make whatever changes they required for their own protection. Putting up boundaries like you are in terms of doing errands for dad on Saturdays is great. Just keep setting up whatever boundaries you need. If that includes finding other living arrangements for dad, so be it.
My main concern here is for you. What can you do to improve your situation, and decrease the stress which is killing you? Dealing with narcissistic self centered relatives is not easy. It was very kind of you to take dad in, from his point of view, but not kind to yourself at all.
I agree that Dad should be paying for his care - he has money coming in regularly. Your doctor is very concerned for your health, and how it is being affected by your situation.. Please discuss alternatives for your dad's care with your doctor, and possibly a counsellor/social worker, and how, in the meanwhile you can better protect yourself. I understand that you have a generous nature. Please apply that to yourself. I know it is hard when you have a "giving" personality, but I think you recognize that it is not working for you. There is no way I could ever live under the same roof as my mother. Her nastiness, and selfishness get to me far too much. She is well cared for in an ALF, even though she complains a lot, and still expects me to be at her beck and call. Typically, a narcissistic person has no concern for the health of others, and will continue to make demands of them, even though it is obvious to others that the caregiver is not well enough to meet these demands. You deserve better than that! Detaching, and distancing yourself emotionally from your siblings sounds like a necessary move. I know it isn't easy, BTDT, but it does help. Detaching from you dad and his needs, and looking at your own situation, and needs, and putting them first would seem to be a good move to. Again, I know it is not easy, but it is doable. BTDT, too. You can look after you, and dad's needs can be met too by a different arrangement. You say your sibs are your main issue, but if your doctor is saying you could die from the stress of having dad with you, i say that is your main issue.
We all want to be part of a warm caring family, where we can give, and other will give back to us, but not all families are like that. I had to grieve the loss of the family that I wanted, and was desperately trying to make function, and accept that my family is dysfunctional, that I have no control over them, but only over myself and my choices. It is my reality. It sounds like yours too.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have so much potential. If you dad ends up in another living arrangement, you still will have lots of opportunities to do things for him, but can limit that, and contact with him to what your health can tolerate.
more (((((((hugs))))) and prayers
Joan
And I absolutely agree that your sibs should return the favors you have shown them in your more prosperous times. Perhaps they are selfish. (Sounds like it.) Perhaps they see the money not for you but for your father and they want no part of that. Maybe you should ask again, being perfectly clear that you are asking for something for yourself. That might not make a difference, but it is worth a shot.
Who get the money from the farm rental?
But I'm confused again. If Dad is not incapacitated at all, and if you can leave him to do errands, why do you need someone to come in to give you a 2-hour break? Can he be left alone, or not?
As for what he expects, well, so what? You are an adult, and it sounds like a very capable, strong, and industrious adult. He expects to know who you talk to on the phone? Tough. "A friend," or "A prospective client for my business," should be enough to keep things friendly. He expects you there every minute? If it is not medically necessary that he have 24/7 care, then that is not a realistic expectation nor one you need to fulfill. You are his adult daughter, not an indentured servant. You have generously opened your home to your father. That doesn't give him the right to take over your life. So, he gets mad. Surely you've survived his anger many times over the years. Let it roll off of your back.
If this is how Dad treats you, the daughter who is generously looking after him, I think I might have a sense of why your siblings do not have a good relationship with him, nor want to spend more than 5 minutes with him at Christmas. Behaviors have consequences and it seems to me Dad may be reaping what he has sown. It is sad, and I know you ache to change that, but I don't think it is within your power.
The question you need to ask is what would happen to your dad and who would step up if something happened to you? (heart attack, stroke, hit by a bus, etc.)
See All Answers