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Granddad has a faltering memory but he's still funny and full of life with great treasures and stories to relate. The self centered children are missing out on quality time in these last years. They say it's too painful now and they are keeping a united front.
However, the grandsons make it a priority to come for weekly meals so they can spend time with the fun guy and learn the family history and lore. I'm amazed that of 6 grandchildren, only the boys in their 20's have the interest and set aside the time to visit each week. Grandpa and I are thrilled to see them and share in their lives. A little dementia just makes some of the tales that much more interesting. Thank God for the grandsons!
Dad doesn't talk as much, so I don't know too much about his memory loss compensation. He forgets who he is, who i am, who his father was. He thinks the lever on his electric chair changes the tv channels. He pokes the buttons on his clock, to change the tv, and then changes the day by accident. ETC.
My sister lives away from us, she doesn't see how bad it is until she visits (denial), I don't see him as impaired as he probably is (I see him daily, and denial) my brother sees him once a week and is concerned about his impairment more than me (grief, denial, concern for me).
in hindsight i have to attribute this to poor education . both were rich in common sense but impoverished where critical thinking is concerned .
love em both but theyre so full of crap their eyes are brown ..
1. The person with dementia may not even realize they are "lying" (actually misinterpreting/confabulating/whatever), so they are utterly sincere.
2. It is emotionally difficult to accept that a loved one has dementia.
It takes a lot of thoughtfulness to sort this out in real life, as well as willingness to admit it if you have been fooled or erred one way or the other (e.g. believed a tale of abuse that did not happen, or failed to believe something that actually did!)
She has not seen my mom since she was diagnosed and refuses too...she has a hard time believing the things I tell her and says that when she does talk to mom it seems like mom is with it. LOL.
I laugh because mom does not remember much anymore...nothing real anyhow...but on the phone and in the moment she may remember enough to come off like she knows what is being said...of course she forgets most of it within minutes.
Also...my brother lived closer to mom and said he was sure she had Alzheimer's...he only saw her once or twice a week, but watched as she deteriorated and managed to get her tested.
She came to stay with me and my husband and it took 4-6 months to truly see what was going on...because we had the expectations of what she was before, so often we chalk the behavior up as something less...if that makes sense.
You really have to live with them to see it clearer...and no matter how much we don't want this to be true...we don't have a choice but to see it because we are there 24/7.
The issue with family believing in the bad things mom is saying about you is simply that they may think you are not doing a good job...but any professional in the field will know better.
Also...if you change your language from mom is telling Lies to something like...mom is confused...or she now lives in Dementia land and her whole experience now is very different then ours.
Understanding that for them they are being very truthful.
My mom always tells people how she is happy here...but to me or my husband she is always trying to get us to get rid of her because she really does not like being around the kids etc.
It is difficult to go with the flow but honestly you have to almost have two minds when working with dementia...the dementia understanding and the regular understanding.
It only gets worse unfortunately...but yes try and get them to come into the forum and read or ask questions...also have them read articles and go to different sites and read.
My aunt who refuses to come by or help out thinks I can take care of mom to the end...or one of her kids could do it.
She has a granddaughter that volunteered to watch mom...I don't have the room for someone else in my home and in fact we don't have the room for my family as is.
Of course I suggested they all come down for a week or two and see for themselves...didn't happen...they just don't want to deal with the reality.
My point. Until they live with it for a while 24/7 and get that acceptance of the situation they will continue to expect mom to be the same as before...when she clearly is not.
Good luck with it...I hope your relatives are willing to learn.
There is one further important point to make: that people with dementia are vulnerable to abuse, so it is not good enough just to assume that EVERYTHING they say MUST be untrue. When your mother is talking to you about other people and claims that there's something wrong, then by all means be sceptical, keep it in mind that you can't just take her word for it, but do always just check. There are, unfortunately, bad apples in the world and you can't always tell by looking.
People say things containing information that is blatantly false,
tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and
present situations. They are coherent, internally consistent, and
appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.
Professionals recognize the person is Confabulating. This is distinct
from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the
person is unaware that the information is false. Life is fraught with
confabulation speak.
confabulations are a major annoyance — when friends, family, and the
medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no
matter how false we know their statements to be
http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=293
A quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM - "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine Or friends and neighbors who don't understand.
Sometimes it's obvious, like when I recently took her out to eat, and she told the waitress, that this is "the first good meal I've had in six months", and then proceeded to tell her how bad the food was at her ALF. However, we were at that same restaurant a week ago, and THAT was "the first good meal I've had in six months". It's a little embarrassing at times, because she seems so rational to others, but I know how mixed up she is about facts, dates, etc. So over the past several years I've gone from being hurt and hating her for the terribly mean things she was saying to me(see earlier posts), to accepting that this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her condition. It's a difficult adjustment, and I must say I have resorted to prayer quite a bit to take away my anger, and give me patience, and let me love her as she is. The rage, resentment, etc. was making me very sick and depressed. Didn't hurt her a bit---I was the one suffering. So like the name says "getnstrong". Maybe I should change to "getnstronger"!!