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Upstream, take your trip. Take care of Hubby first. If Mom keeps up the suicide talk, you can either shrug and say, “Oh, well...” or threaten to put her in respite care or hire someone to come to her house while you’re gone and she’ll be watched 24/7. I’ve come to realize I was wrong all those years ago to pussy--foot around my mom. But I was raised to respect my elders, you know?
You really can’t change toxic people like this. They are into self-destruction and will also destroy anyone else who gets in their way, even loved ones. God knows you’ve tried with your mother. Ratchet down to the basic level of care for Mom. You can’t cure her and she doesn’t want your help. She’s only “happy” when she’s unhappy, exactly like my mom was. My mom eventually wound up with dementia and in a facility. I do miss her, even after all that. But I realize who and what she was, and I still deal with it on a daily basis.
Many of us here understand exactly what you're going through. Whatever you do, DON'T even consider living with her or taking her into your home as she ages. My experience tells be that her personality and her not wanting to help herself never ever changes. I'm so glad you found this site as I did 4 years ago. You can talk to the people here about it or just read the posts of others. My brother used to say that I go on the internet and read what strangers say, how stupid. Well, I found solace and comfort here and he had a much more difficult time handling things. I'll take my experienced strangers before I try downright stupid things!
And a big congratulations on your milestone anniversary. Pick a lovely place to celebrate and go enjoy yourselves!
I had to let mthr simmer in her own stew without my participation in her misery. She had the choice of changing, but she derived her satisfaction from making other people unhappy. Thus, any shocking thing she did or said was best ignored. I also required that she treat me with the same respect she showed others. Sadly, she chose to walk away rather than show respect. I rescued her a few years ago and she's safely in a memory care now. The key is to realize you are not responsible for her happiness.
Since your mother was abusive to your dad, I don't understand why you bring her to him. It would be torture to me to have my abuser visit once a week. That's not a treat I would anticipate fondly. She needs help but that's not your responsibility.
But, you have no control over the decisions she makes nor are you responsible for her feelings. Helping out? Sure. But is it your job to fix mom or make her happy? Nope.
Definitely keep your vacation plans, and when it gets closer to time to leave for the trip, you might say something like, "Mom, now remember, I will be gone next week, and my phone will be off, but I'll call after we get back."
If she starts the suicide talk again, pick up the phone and tell her if she's seriously depressed and thinking of killing herself you will call 911 so they can take her in right away and get some help. I'd be willing to bet she will dial down the drama if she sees you are serious, or, if she is truly depressed, maybe it will make her think of getting some help.
Al-Anon is a great support for family and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts, and you will find there are many who will understand what you are going through. And, always come and vent here anytime too. This site is a great help.
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I am surprised to hear that my presence is that important to you.
I hope you don't, of course, because I love you. But you have a right to make decisions about your own life.
Mother, you are already killing yourself with the alcohol, just more slowly. I wish there was some way I could help you, but you have a right to make decisions about your own life.
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Have a wonderful anniversary vacation! And start taking less time with Mother and more time with Husband.
I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when you are trying and trying to do the right thing but it feels like nothing is good enough with your mother. From everything you have said you have done your duty and responsibility. It's hard to have boundaries sometimes with our parents. I didn't have any and it just turned to anger and resentment in the long run.
I know its hard. But you have a right to protect yourself and your husband from verbal abuse. It's okay to have boundaries.
Take care. Thinking of you.
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