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Lovingdaughter - my dad's house was on market less than a month and it sold. A 40 year old house! God has a will of working things out! It is so AWESOME to see a lit tree in the window when we drive by - haven't seen that in years!
Hugs to all!
I wonder what will happen when I am old, will I be someone who is "put up with"? I shudder to think that no matter what, being old is not respected.
Change is always never easy, for anyone and change that comes with illness, is the hardest to cope with.
Life is like a wheel, when we were young, our parents were the ones to worry and to some extent restrict our activities, remember how we may have rebelled...
Well, the shoe is on the other foot now and we stand in their place and sometimes, it gets real frustrating, when you have only their best interest at heart (just as they had our best interest at heart, when they held the wheel).
My advice is this, even though things may get so very difficult, if we only can step back, for just a moment and look at them, as children, we will find the inner strength to handle any situation.
If your child were to give you a hard time, will you give up on them? I would not, because I love and care for them. It is the same with our parents, when they grow old.
When illness takes hold of them, they sometimes cannot be blamed for their actions and we have to look deep inside our own selves, to find the courage and the love, to cope, knowing very well, that we maybe yelled at, or blamed for... but we carry on, knowing that while we do the right thing by our parents, we will be fine and if we look to the Lord to give us the strength we need, He surely will bless us with the courage to face all things.
I have read so many of the situations, that appear on this site, from caregivers who just find themselves nearing the end of their tether and my hearts goes out to them, however, I still find myself asking the same question, what if the tables were turned and we were the ones with the problem and our parents were the ones having to cope with it.... would they be handling the situation, the same way, or will they cope, however they can, because you are their child..... I can only leave each one of you to answer it...
God bless.
Just saw Wall-E on TV again. The pretty white Robot Eve had finally realized what love Wall-E had for her, and when they got back to earth, she carried him to his junk box and swapped out broken pieces, as he was mangled and unconscious.
Wall-E came alive, but only in robot cleanerupper mode. What to do? She finally touched their foreheads together, with a little zap added, and his soul came alive as well.
The best advice I can offer is to try to picture yourself in her shoes. I know that's extremely hard to do as I struggle with it. But things work nicer when I do. When my mom starts complaining or crying about her situation.....I just let it go in one ear and out the other. I do it with respect, care and consideration though. Not to be rude or inconsiderate.
This gives my mom the opportunity to flush the feelings out and then we can move on.
Besides, who else is going to listen to her other than you?
I know this is not easy and I struggle with it daily. But it is getting easier.
Actions speak louder than words, and you have proven yourself to be a caring, compassionate individual who gave sacrificially. The people who matter see and applaud you. Those who cannot comprehend are blind. I encourage you to surround yourself with supportive and loving friends. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother... Proberbs 18:24
Turn to the one who truly understands. I am leaning on the verse: When my father and mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Psalm 27:10
I understand your weariness and fatigue. I understand your pain, and will be praying for you, sweetheart. I am proud of you for doing all you've done in spite of a horrible situation. Time to care for your husband and yourself, without guilt or shame. Realize, to those who see this for what it is, you are a hero!
TRANQUILITY
I have walked in your shoes. Funny thing about family, they only fight over mom and dad if there is money.Two things that you should be aware of. All all of the dementia's frontal lobe is the worst. They can become highly aggressive, delusional,inappropriate and confrontational. Learning more about it will help you emotionally not to take the accusations personally. Next, at this stage of the game I don't think that the will can be changed nor should you be so quick to give up. Your siblings are not going to change their minds about you no matter who is caring for them. They probably believe mom that you are stealing from her and nothing you do or say is going to convince them otherwise.
TRANQUILITY
I REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER WILL, SHE CAN LEAVE WHATEVER HE WANT TO WHOMEVER SHE WANTS, BUT NOW I AM BEING MADE OUT TO BE THE "BAD ONE". MY SISTER TOLD ME THAT, MY MOTHER DOESN'T TRUST ME, AND SO ON. I TOLD HER THE STORY AS I WROTE, AND SHE WAS COLD, AND VERY SHORT. KEPT SAYING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN HER MIND, BUT THAT IS THE WAY SHE FEELS. SHE TOLD ME I HAD DEMENTIA, AND HUNG UP ON ME. NOW, I LET ALL MY SIBLINGS THAT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH VERBAL ABUSE FROM MY MOTHER AND HAROLD, AND I WILL NOT BE VERBALLY ABUSED BY THEM TOO. TODAY THEY ARE GOING TO THE LAWYERS. I ALSO HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY. DON'T KNOW IF HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO DO THIS WITHOUT SPEAKING TO ME. REALLY DON'T CARE, BUT ALL SO SNEAKY AND BEHIND MY BACK. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. TRANQUILITY
I TRY TO REMIND THEM OF WHAT OUR CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT OR WHAT REALLY TOOK PLACE, TO TRY TO JUMP START THEIR MEMORY. I HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW I APPROACH THE SITUATION IN REFERENCE TO THEIR LACK OF MEMORY. ( I DON'T SAY THAT TO THEM) THEY HAVE THEIR MINDS SET ON WHAT THEY BELIEVE, AND THATS THAT. AS I SAID, I TRY TO GO OVER WHAT WAS SAID OR DONE, AND MY MOTHER IN PARTICULAR, WILL THEN GET VERY AGITATED, START SCREAMING AND YELLING, AND SHE WILL CLENCH HER FISTS, OR BANG THEM ON THE WALL OR TABLE. WHEN I SEE THIS BEHAVIOR IS HEADING THAT WAY, I JUST END THE CONVERSATION. AS FAR AS THE WILLS, IT IS NOW AN OBSESSION OF HERS AND MY STEP FATHER. SHE IS NOW ACCUSING ME OF WRITING UP HER WILL, AND SHE NEVER SAW THE LAWYER, AND IT JUST GOES ON. AGAIN, TRIED TO JUMP START THEIR MEMORY, AND SAID, MOM, YOU, HAROLD ( MY STEP-FATHER OF 21 YRS) ME AND RAY (MY HUSBAND) WERE SITTING AROUND HER TABLE, AND I TOOK THE WILL THAT WAS DRAWN UP IN NEW YORK, WHICH I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT. I WAS TOLD THAT IF YOU MOVE OUT OF STATE, YOU HAVE 90 DAYS TO HAVE A NEW WILL DRAWN UP. I REALLY HATED GETTING IN TO THIS WITH THEM, BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE. ANYWAY, I TOOK THE WILL FROM N.Y. AND SAID, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGES YOU WANT TO MAKE, ADDITIONS ETC. MY MOTHER SAID SHE DID NOT WANT THE GRANDCHILDREN IN THE WILL, THAT WHATEVER IS LEFT TO HER CHILDREN, THEY CAN CAN GIVE THEIR CHILDREN WHAT THEY WANT. I ALSO ASKED MY STEP-FATHER THE SAME QUESTION, AND HE SAID, HE WANTED ONE OF HIS GREAT NEICES REMOVED. HAROLD IS THE LAST OF HIS FAMILY, AND HAS A ONE NEPHEW, WHO IS ALMOST 80 YRS OLD, AND A FEW GREAT NEICES AND GREAT NEPHEWS, OF WHICH HE NEVEER SEES OR TALKS TO. HE HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION AND REALLY CANNOT WRITE OR READ. EVEN WHEN HE SIGNS HIS SIGNATURE, YOU HAVE TO POINT YOUR FINGER TO THE SPOT, AND THEN HIS SIGNATURE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE DOES NOT DRIVE ANYMORE, AND MY MOTHER NEVER DID DRIVE. ANYWAY, I SAID, OK IF THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, WE CAN BRING THE CHANGES OVER TO THE LAWYERS OFFICE. I SAID, MORE THAN LIKELY THE LAWYERS PARA LEGAL WILL TAKE THE INFORMATION, AND THEN WHEN WILL IT IS DONE, WE WILL BE CALLED, AND AT THAT TIME THE LAWYER WILL GO OVER THE WILL WITH YOU, BOTH YOU AND HAROLD HAVE TO SIGN YOUR WILLS, AND IT HAS TO BE WITNESSED. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT ALL WENT, AND THEY DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT. SO IN HER MIND AND IN HIS, I WROTE THESE WILLS UP MYSELF. AGAIN, I TRIED TO JOG HER MEMORY, AND SAID, MOM, DON'T YOU REMEMBER, HOW ME,RAY, YOU AND HAROLD SAT AROUND YOUR TABLE, AND I ASKED YOU DID YOU WANT THE WILL TO STAY THE WAY IT IS, OR DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGES, AND SHE SAID TO ME, SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT, AND SHE NEVER SAW THE LAWYER. IT IS FUTILE. ONE NIGHT, OUT OF THE BLUE, SHE CALLED ME SCREAMING THAT SHE WANTS HER WILLS CHANGED AND SO DOES HAROLD. I SAID, CALMLY, FINE MOM, JUST TELL ME WHEN AND WHERE, AND YOU CAN SPEAK TO THE LAWYER, AND HAVE THE WILLS CHANGED. SHE SAID, WELL I THINK I WANT TO GO ALONE, AND I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT MORE. I SAID FINE, YOU LET ME KNOW. THIS WAS ABOUT THE BEGINNING OF OCTOBER WHEN THIS TOOK PLACE. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO ME AGAIN, BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT SHE CALLED MY BROTHER, WHO TOLD ME RIGHT FROM THE START, THAT THIS IS MY BABY, AND HE WILL NOT GIVE UP ONE DAY OF HIS LIFE DOING WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO. HE SAID, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN REFERENCE TO THEM, AND BASICALLY, HE WOULD STAY OUT OF IT. HE IS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE. WHEN SHE CALLED MY BROTHER, SHE APPARENTLY WAS SAYING ALL SORTS OF THINGS ABOUT ME AND RAY. WHICH I MIGHT ADD, WE HAVE BEEN JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR THEM, AS I WAS ALSO TOLD BY THEM, THAT THEY ARE SORRY THEY MOVED. AS YOU SAID, ALZCAREGIVER, MY BROTHER CAME RIDING UP FROM GA., ON HIS WHITE CHARGER, MY MOTHER TOLD HIM NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME, AND WEEKS WENT BY WHEN I FINALLY FOUND OUT BY ACCIDENT THAT HE WAS UP TO "SAVE THE DAY". I NOTICED AROUND THAT TIME A BIG DIFFERENCE IN MY MOTHER'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME, AND JUST KNEW SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. WELL, WHEN I FOUND OUT FROM THE WOMAN WHO COMES IN TWICE A WEEK THAT MY MOTHER TOLD HER THAT MY BROTHER WAS UP ABOUT 2 1/2 WEEKS AGO. I REALLY COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD COME UP, AND NOT CALL ME. I LIVE 2 MINUTES FROM WHERE MY MOTHER LIVES, AND ASKED IF HE WAS UP, AND WHY DIDN'T HE CALL AND SPEAK TO ME. HE SAID, I PROMISED "MY MOTHER" THAT I WOULD NOT TELL YOU, AND I WON'T LIE TO HER. THE CONVERSTION WENT ON, AND I COULD SEE THAT HE WAS NOT GOING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING, AND HE ALSO SAID, HE MADE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN ELDER CARE ATTORNEY, MADE AN APPOINTMENT, WHICH HE DID ON A DAY THAT MY MOTHER HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE OPHTHALMOLIST AS SHE HAS TO HAVE CATARACT SURGERY. WELL THAT MEANT NOTHING. HE JUST WANTED TO GO THINGS MOVING WITH THE LAWYER.