What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it. In other words, you can talk to your mom until the cows come home which is never. If she's still of sound mind then there's probably not going to be much you can do until she declines mentally and someone becomes her guardian.

Oh yes, maybe I should add more to this. In the modern day of technology where and more people are going paperless to save trees, don't be surprised if you happen to have a hard time finding bank related papers around her house. Going paperless is definitely an option you can sign up for at your bank so that you know longer get any statements except through email. Don't be surprise if you happen to run into this.

Another thing to consider is how some people have even given up the checkbook because more and more places no longer take checks. More and more people these days are relying on plastic and less on the old ways of doing transactions.

If your mom has been in her place for a certain amount of time, she's probably used to the place and just doesn't want to move, this is normal if some people are longtime homesteaders of many years or even a lifetime. Trying to pressure someone to move if they don't want to can actually make them more stubborn, causing them to dig in their heels even deeper and even resent you.

Another area of consideration is possible trust issues, which is probably why she doesn't want anyone taking over her financial affairs if her bills are already being paid with no issues. I don't know how she pays her bills, but as long as they're paid, don't worry about it. She probably knows that as soon as she gives access to her bank account to anyone, she probably has the common sense enough to know what can happen, and I don't blame her for trying to protect her financial stability, so would I. People really do need to protect themselves as they age, and she probably knows she's vulnerable if anyone gets a hold of that bank account. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she's hidden any documents she may have around the house (if any). Some people with a safe will lock those documents in the safe and hide the key or even keep it on them as a way to prevent anyone from finding that key and getting into the safe, I don't blame them. Many times elders may go to great lengths to lock everything up so no one can find it. However, in the case she may have gone paperless, you probably won't find many (if any) bank statements laying around her house, she probably has more sense than that (if she's well organized).

Keeping one's own independence is something everyone wants, no one wants someone coming along and taking their freedom. This among other reasons is why you're facing a fight, and if she still happens to be competent and still in her right mind, your best bet right now is to just back off and leave her alone and let her be.

If you really want to help her, you may be observant as to how well she can actually move around her house. If she can't navigate her house all that well and it's not cluttered, you may offer her a wheelchair to help her get around if she can't walk that well. If she doesn't need a wheelchair, you might try a walker and see if she'll use it. I would definitely try to find clever ways to support her right where she is in stead of trying to change her, because trying to change her and force her to do what she doesn't want to do is only going to make her combative, and her combativeness is a strong hint to just back off if she doesn't want or need your help and you try to force her. She's probably getting to a point by now where she's starting to resent you.

Instead of trying to force your will on her, why not just support her and love her right where she is until she is ready to make a change? This would be far more appreciated than trying to force someone into something they didn't want, and this will definitely cause bitterness and she'll most likely hate you. Forcing your will on her is actually destroying your relationship, this destroyed many relationships, don't do that if you really love her. If you love her, let her go and live her life. It's been said that if you really love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I think your best bet right now is to just take your hands off of the situation and step back to see the big picture. In fact, it's probably good for you to take a break and leave her alone for a while, just stay away for at least a few days. It'll be hard, but not impossible. This is one of those situations where you may have to let whatever happens happen. I was very close to having to do this with my foster dad when he developed dementia and there was no outside help to step in and intervene. I really didn't want this to be dad's fate, I just didn't want to walk in one day and find him dead. What I did was I stepped back and started reducing my visits to a point. Not having a car was actually a good thing because I won't go out in the bad weather, especially not during winter, and I especially more so won't go out when it's too cold being asthmatic. This really helped me stay home and away from him because not having a car during bad weather and even winter turned out to be a good thing because it D

Not having a car was actually a good thing because I won't go out in the bad weather, especially not during winter, and I especially more so won't go out when it's too cold being asthmatic. This really helped me stay home and away from him because not having a car during bad weather and even winter turned out to be a good thing because it Dad calmer than when I was there more often. I started going around less and less because I just got tired of him unloading on me out of frustration for something he did and he did take his frustrations out on me. This turned out to be a very toxic situation and very unhealthy for me, causing me to have no other choice but to almost completely leave the situation. I now understand why I was the only one around, because he pushed everyone else away, and I was just about to be next when the APS finally stepped in and intervened at very long last. I never expected anyone to even help because I sure wasn't going to be able to on my own with lack of manpower and resources to do what really needed to be done as the house he was living in was falling down around him and he was mentally declining and not taking proper care of himself. Sometimes when someone gets stubborn and even combative, it's time to step back and leave them alone. In fact I found that giving them enough rope to hang themselves actually works wonders because they'll slip up sometime.

* Giving them enough rope means backing off and completely leaving them alone and letting the problems reveal themselves to others. I'm glad I did this because had I not, I never would've gotten the help I did at long last.

My mother insists on returning home from the hospital, although she is extremely weak and fragile. She has Multiple Sclerosis, can barely walk, is incontinent, and happy wearing diapers (so sad). She has (had) 2 dogs that she can not care for, yet she "loves" them and they are her only companions. The dogs have completely soiled and destroyed her carpets. I can barely breathe when I am in her home due to the extensive pet urine stains and amount of pet urine in the carpets. I can't help but think this is a health hazard.
I am an only child and can not live with my mother. No other family is available. She is a loner - and has no friends or other family nearby. She prefers to remain in bed most of the day (stays in bed till nearly 11 every morning, plus takes 1-2 naps a day).
She refuses to give me power of attorney thinking I will "put her away" in a nursing home.
I am mostly concerned with the urine infested carpets. What can I do? Can I get someone to come to the house to report this is a health risk? Please help.

angela12,

One place you can turn to besides the APS is the health department and any other resources within the area that are available for these types of cases. I'm not sure what all is available over there, but I would definitely call around and keep bugging people until you get some leads like I did. Each area is different so each area will have different things to offer. However, definitely the APS and the health department for starters, and go from there following each lead your given and actually show up at those places. Even if they'll are of no help, they'll eventually get sick of seeing you and eventually someone will open up and become useful or give you some useful leads. Persistence always pays off, at least in most cases.

angela12, make it very clear to the discharge planner at the hospital that your mother will be going home to NO help. The conditions of her house are such that it may be difficult to get paid help to come in, even if she would allow it. Talk to the hospital's social worker. You do not have authority or responsibility for making decisions on her behalf.

I think I'd also call the MS Society office in your area and ask for advice and if there are any resources that might be available to your mother.

Gosh, this is tough! Do your best, but also keep in mind that this is Not Your Fault. No guilt, please!

You're right, you can't force her to do things against her will as long as she happens to be of sound mind as hard as this may need to hear

Just FYI, 7 years ago, and although still relevant today, and although, if one reads backwards far enough, one can address some new poster's questions, the original poster was 7 years ago.

mnewcomb....did you get your question answered?

All of these comments were nice to read - nice to know I'm not alone. BUT, my mother has all of her mind. She is and always has been the most stubborn person on earth. She broke her hip Christmas Eve and was released from the surgeon in four weeks - that stubbornness helped her.
While in the rehab/nursing home facility she began refusing to eat, refusing to get out of bed except for her therapy visits. She was dismissed from here because she met her "goals" from the therapists - her hip was fine.
My sister and I moved her further down the way in the facility to a 30 day transition assisted living. At the end of the 30 days she could choose to live there or go home. She refused to do anything. She is down to 81 pounds - never a large woman though. She has bed sores and still refuses to do anything. There is no reasoning with this woman. We had tests done, etc to see if there was actually something physically wrong with her. All that did was make her mad. The transition facility sent her home - they could not keep her for non-compliance. The bed sores would get them into trouble.
Mother is fully aware her doing nothing and eating nothing are the cause of the sores, but she wanted to go home.
So, we brought her home. Now she has home health care three days per week. She is not eating and is still lying in bed most of the day and night. The bed sores are no better.
She will not talk about this at all. Says she knows when she's tired and what to do...leave me alone.
She was so ugly to my husband and me, that we went home and left her for my sister to check on daily. It appears this is the trend for now - mother waits for the home health care to come help her do whatever minimum things she needs done and put medication on her bed sores. She lies around most of the day and eats a few calories of nothing good for you per day - apparently enough to keep her alive for now.
This is NOT the mother I've known all of my life until the last ten years or so. I have no idea who this woman is. I have no idea what her plan it.
I have no idea what to do. She is an adult and has her mind (although it does sound like she's lost it as I read back through this), but she hasn't. She is fully capable of talking, knowing what's happening and manipulating the situation.
As I said, I have no idea what to do.
Thanks for listening.

Dstalcup - how old is your mother? You are correct when you wrote: "although it does sound like she's lost it as I read back through this." Ten years is a very long time to not recognize the person your mother has become. There is only so much you can do. Get a pocket calendar where you document your efforts as concern her i.e. telephone calls you made, information you requested, doctor's visits you took her to or were present for, etc. Have you tried signing her up for Meals on Wheels? Does she have money to spend on self care? What happened to her 10-11 years ago? Think back and maybe you can pinpoint something that might shed a little light on this bizarre situation.