What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

To vstefans: Thank You for you advice. I do feel better about the fact that I can only do so much. In the past 10 years, since 2005, I have stayed at my Mother's house for several days at a time to help her out and to go to her many Doctor appointments with her. Also, I stayed for 6 weeks, the entire summer of 2005 when she had an eye operation, so that I could put her eye drops in around the clock. My Dad refused to do anything to help my Mother, but that is another nightmare story. The reason I stayed with her in 2005: when she had a previous eye operation (she was younger at the time) she made no preparations to get any household help after the surgery. She was doing chores that her Eye Doctor told not to do after the surgery. Such as taking her dog out for walks, so that the sun and wind were hurting her eyes. Long story short, I had taken time off from my job to help her these past 10 years, but I simply cannot afford to do this any longer. My brother has POA, and all of the decisions and work that needs to be done on the house, is all left up to him. I am never consulted about these matters. That really hurts my feelings. Anyway, I talked to my Mother today, and I found out about another alarming thing that she does. She washes her clothes by hand, and then she put a pile of books next to the bathtub. She uses them as a stepstool, so she can hang up her clothes over the tub. I told her not to do that, that she needs a clothes rack. I know she will pay any attention to me. One more thing, she wanted to have Xmas at her house, the entire family. She wanted to do all the food shopping and all of the cooking by herself. I did not give in this time, I told her we were having Xmas Eve at my house, with all of her Grandkids, and the Great Grandkids. She refused to come, because she could not buy them Xmas gifts this year. I told her that they didn't care about the gifts, they would be happy just to see her. But she stayed home, all alone, on Xmas Eve. She did have some company on Xmas Day. Also, my brother is lazy, and he does not like to drive the 30 miles to my house, so he didn't want to drive my Mother anyway. Thanks again, I do feel better about taking a step back, and letting these dysfunctional people handle their own problems. My brother has always been the favorite, he has always been treated differently. It took me along time to even realize that, which outsiders had to point out to me. Anyway, thanks again, I will keep everyone up to date on this situation.

Eagle, VStefans summed up the situation well. Your mother has chosen a path of self-destructive behavior and lifestyle, and there is nothing you can do to change it. She's also right that you shouldn't allow yourself to be drawn into your mother's insistence on not taking care of herself.

With her poor diet and attitude, there will be a day when something significant happens, and I'm sure your mother will blame you for not helping her or agreeing to enable her unhealthy lifestyle. Just remember all the times when you've encouraged her or tried to help, but it hasn't been received.

Sometimes we just have to accept that people, relatives or not, are not going to make good decisions. Trying to bring them back on the right path only increases their antagonism toward the would-be helper.

I am in the same boat and its just SO sad and SO frustrating....ilI know that nefore the end of this year, I will have to do somethibg to move mom to someplace safe. Boy do I dread that...for her sake. I know it will be horrible for her because she will be so confused, and its best to make moves before so much confusion sets in BUT at this point, I cant get her to agree and no one can help with that. We are all in what appears to be the same situation, with no good solution. I know at some point this will all be behind us, and them, and we can only do what we can in the meantime. Sending love and hugs to all of you also going through this as I am...its a horrible thing.

My father-in-law has been extremely forgetful, lost appetite (and a lot of weight), refuses to drink fluids when asked, refuses to take medicines as prescribed, stays chilled, stays week and tired (the full 2 weeks before Christmas he slept 12-16 hours a day, and when his daughters were trying to make him get up on Christmas Day and go to the hospital he was trying to get his pocket knife out and said he would cut them if they didn't leave him alone. Whether he would or not we don't know) and refuses to go to the doctor. He blames all of this on being 70 years old and says he will go when he feels better. He tells concerned friends and family that he has a cold or flu but this has been going on for over 2 months with each passing day getting worse. Here's the kicker, he decided to open his old business back up. A convenience store. He can't remember where everything is at or where it goes most days. A lot of the time he has to be watched when making change because he can't figure in his head and refuses to use the calculator or the register. Someone could come up to buy a case of beer and he will only charge for 1 six pack(was extremely mad when corrected). A person gave him a fifty dollar bill, bought one item and his change would have been about $44.50 and he was going to give back $60.50(and the bills were not stuck together, and was extremely hostile when corrected). The toilet at the store needs a new stopper in the tank because it is leaking water from the tank into the bowl. We keep the water cut off at the supply line but he insists that it is still running because he see the "trickle" from the tank to the bowl. We even took the tube out that comes from the supply line and point it at him to show there is no water running. We then point the tube into the tank and turn on the supply line and show him that it can only run when the supply line is turn on. Then we turn the supply line back off and return everything where it goes. He obsesses over this toilet thing now to the point he went outside to the water meter and cut the water off. Then goes in and see's the water trickling still and thinks the water is running and the meter is broken. There are several other instances that he hasn't been his normal self mentally too. We are almost sure he has either had mini strokes (found him wandering out in the yard only 1 time confused) or has either dementia or Alzheimer's (Because his mother died at 69 with Alzheimer's). How can we get him the help he needs so he doesn't lose his butt giving money away or hurts himself where he won't eat or drink or hurts someone else just for trying to help? His mind isn't where it should be.

wewanttohelp, your FIL has lost ability to be rational and you would have to trick or cajole him into having someone else count the money and you would have to repair the toilet - it will be no use whatsoever to argue with him. If someone else can run the store and let him feel like he is in charge or supervising, AND he could stay out of their way well enough that would be the only way for it to stay open, but that does not sound likely to work. SO...what do you do - well, you either stand by to protect him and pick up the pieces as best you can, or you get eldercare legal and seek gurdianship, or get APS involved.

HOW DO YOU HAVE YOUR PARENTS CHECKED TO SEE IF THEY ARE COMPETENT

Las911...a doctor who specializes in elderly can evaluate someone to determine their level of dementia, if thats what is happening. However, I have been told thay only a judge can deem someone incompetent in terms of whether you can/should place the person in an assisted living. Tha5 involves going to court and Im not sure of the cost for that.

I dont think its a matter of dementia, its more just not handling matters. Not paying bills or filling taxes, not thinking about where is her retirement incomes going that's not coming to her. simply saying her husband handles it and he is simply not handling anything either. depression alcoholism and diabetes has taken him away. They named me and my brother Financial POA's but we only know what they tell us and we really dont have any power financially to stop him from continuing to make really poor financial decisions that are affecting my mom too. like adding $100,000 debt to their house for solar just so he can run a/c with windows open if he wants to! Adding 500.00 per month to the mortgage on a fixed income that can barely make it as it is. When he hasnt even filed taxes in 4 years. Is always running 1 to 2 month in arrears on his mortgage anyway. How responsible is that? Not to mention the stupid solar company that sold it to him and the HERO program for funding it., TERRIBLE This is why we are now Financial POAS but I dont see how it would have changed it if he wanted to do it he would have. I dont live there.I worry for my mom in the long run. . He obviously isnt planning on being around long enough to worry about it. There are several things that need to be done financialy but I dont feel I can just do them. What do I do?

wife needing knee surgery refuses to see doctor?

All you can do is support them when they finally ask for help or when they are so incompetent you have to go the legal route and take over. Its very hard to watch them self destruct but unless you have a custodial order and a POA they have given you, there is not much you can do and even then there are still things you can't make them do or not do. Things are going to happen, but you must not blame yourself, ever. You know that old saying about leading a horse to water but can't make him drink. Any doctor or lawyer will tell you you will have to wait for a major event to occur. Not easy!
We took over a lot for Mom, like finances, etc but the one thing we could not do was convince her to make sensible choices while alone in her room, or to use a walker or accept AL staff help. The inevitable finally happened as we knew it would and we were helpless to prevent it. Seniors will cling to their independence as long as they can. We will all get there!

It is so true...we cant force loved ones to accept help or move, unless guardianship is obtained through the courts...which is not only expensive, but can also ruin any relationship we have. I am my mothers POA but that holds no water for getting her to accept outside help in her home or moving to an AL. I just keep bringing it up every couple of months in hopes that she might become open to it and do what I can. At some point, probably within the next 6 months, it will no longer be an option for her to remain alone at home. Then Ill have to make decisions about guardianship to make sure shes safe, eating, taking her meds, etc...which I know she will stop doing without someone there all the time. We are all grappling with this disease, maybe at different stages of it, but we are all in rhe same boat.

My mother had had multiple heart attack/stroke,has had to have CPR twice. She had short term memory issues,will not follow her doctors orders,she poorly takes care of herself and her husband who had mild dementia. They live in a home that is full of mold. They refuse help from their children and have just about alienated us! I moved in after her last heart attack,but I've run out of the ability to continue living with them...they have become mean, Ican't toletate it any longer. What doI do?

My mother lives in California and I live in Nevada (@ 6 hrs away). She has dementia but not sure if it's Alzheimers because she refuses to go to the doctor. Luckily she has no health issues (heart, blood pressure etc) so other than her mind, she's physically pretty healthy for 83. I'm an only child and my father passed several years ago. She lives alone, refuses all assistance- we had to take her vehicle 2 1/2 years ago-the police impounded it after several warnings that her license is suspended. I am going to file for guardianship but California has some pretty strict laws and I doubt I'll be successful. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to assure success?

One thing to keep in mind is that the "relationship" is already "ruined" by the dementia itself in some of these cases. Don't let a fear of offending them be the reason not to go after guardianship or to get Adult Protecetive Services involved if they truly need it. Our system tends to err on the side of individual autonomy - danger to self and others is a common standard, but sometimes a court will additionally consider evidence of mental limitations via cognitive testing...of course sometimes a court will be fooled by a little "showtimer's" just as some doctors are fooled. If you are looking for guardianship, bring evidence - unpaid bills, photos of unsafe conditions, maybe even photos with the way it was before the dementia set in that can be compared, and take time to get possible witnesses on the right page with you - understanding that to get help they have to portray the person as truly unable to care for themsevles, not "sharp as a tack" because they can converse and recognize familiar people. In my own family people hesitated to take those pictures or involve social services - though when it all fell apart, they had to be involved. Pity and embarrassment for the person who needs help can be deadly. My MIL threatened to call the police on my BIL when he tried to help at all, and he backed right off - I think the whole mess may have been part of what inspired his daughter, my niece, to become an eldercare attorney. Get a good attorney - judge from the web site and from others if you know of anyone who has used them - and if you give it your best shot and the whole thing fails, you are probably not going to be worse off than you are now, plus you will know that you gave it your best shot. The state may have to take over later once things get even worse...

My Mother does not have Dementia, as far as I can tell. I have written about her before. However, I am having a difficult time understanding her behavior, maybe someone has some advice for me? My Mom will 92 years old in August and is still living alone, in the 3 family house that she owns. She is legally blind in one eye, has hearing loss, her balance is much worse now, & she does not eat much at all. She does have digestive problems, but this is a chronic condition which she has had her entire life. Anyway, just this week, my Mother's youngest passed away at age 75. She was very sick from the complications of having Diabetes since she was 30 years old. My brother took our Mother to the hospital to see her Sister, for the last time. It was very sad. As I said, my Mother has a really hard time to walk, she can't see where she is going, and her balance is way off. So, at the entrance to the hospital, where they have a collection of wheelchairs, either my brother or sister-in-law decided to get a wheelchair for my Mother (they did not ask for her permission) because they were at the Mass General Hospital, and it was a very long walk to my Aunt's room. I was just talking to my Mother today, and she is furious that my brother got the wheelchair, even though my Mother is very aware that it would have taken them a very long time to walk her to the room. I told her that she could have refused to get into the wheelchair, but for whatever reason, she did not say No to him. If walking with my Mother, Someone has to hold her up under her arm, so she won't fall. My Mother is not happy about the wheelchair at all. She told me today, that she will not go to the family gathering for my Aunt, if she cannot do all the walking by herself, without help, and she will not go if a wheelchair is needed. Also, she refuses to let my Brother do the food shopping for her, she said she wants to go with him. Also, anytime that she does go out - she will not use a cane, or a walker. She said it takes her along time to go thru the supermarket, but she wants to pick out all her own food. Also, my brother pays for her food, and she does not like that either. So, she has decided to go without food in the house, until she can get to the market herself. She will either take a cab, or get a ride from her Cousin. But she will not give a shopping list to my brother. She says that he does not want to take her to the store, he wants to do the shopping for her, and she will not go along with that plan. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts about this situation?? Should I just let my Mother have her own way, or should I intervene in some way. By the way, she will not let me order her food on line, which can be delivered right to her door. Help, I am going crazy!! Thanks Everyone!

In attempting to discuss arrangements when my mother no longer drives (within the next few months), I told her I'd take her grocery list to the store with me when I do my family's shopping. She got real quiet...I think she will not like this, just as your mother doesn't like it, EastEagle. She is very unsteady on her feet, and it takes f o r e v e r.

CTTN55. What you wrote reminded me of my mother. Looking back, there was a progression of things that made her lose her. She fought hard against it. First she stopped taking the shuttle at IL because she said she couldn't finish the shopping before the shuttle came back for them. So I took her shopping and I could see she didn't remember what she put in her basket, and bought strange things. It took forever, and we would argue about what she would buy. So I started to do it for her which she hated. She insisted on going with me, and she could barely get to the middle of the store before she wanted to go home (unsteady, confused and not enough energy) Its so very sad. I guess we will all go through it - either not recognizing when we can no longer do the things we did or refusing to admit it. It makes the child feel mean, taking over and assuming the role of mom as they become more helpless.

I wish we could edit these things. I meant there was a progression of things which made her lose her independence.

To AmyGrace and everyone on here, No worries, I do know what you meant to write about the "progression of things" and "made her lose her independence". I too have had trouble writing on here, and making some mistakes. I see my mistakes after I have already posted them. I was typing too fast, and meant to say that my Mother lost her youngest SISTER (not one of her kids) and I left that out by mistake. Anyway, just when we all reach a certain age, such as retirement age, and just when we may have some extra money to do something we enjoy, or have been wanting to do for some time, but we did not have the time or the means, and just when we want to plan to have some fun in life - we get hit with our Parent's needing help. Of course, I love my Mother more than life, and I will do anything for her, but I realize, now, that we are expected to give far more than we possibly can, or we are expected by our Parents and our relatives to just give in and do everything their way. I feel that there is no give and take at all, nothing is fair for us, and that we have to comply with their wishes, no matter how ridiculous that may be. It also means that we have to give up our entire Lives to provide some loving care, but how fair is that? I feel that, sometimes, our Parents expect way too much of us, at least some Parents do, maybe not all. Thanks to all.

It has been some time since I've been on but y'all provide such great expert advice. I need your help now.

Mom is 93 with dementia, living isolated alone and the usual escalating paranoia, delusions, distrust. I'm her daughter out of state about 6 hrs away. Long story but recently becoming unsafe and vulnerable. Admittedly I haven't visited in a couple months because I just don't have it in me to fight with her.
Police have been ther 4x in a month, well-check, her claiming she was burglarized and her purse stolen (she filed report with police that I stole and insisted I also be reported to my home state police), purse was found a few days later, she is withdrawing cash from bank that police saw and concerned them, she doesn't remember any of this. The electric and water were cut off for failure to pay...she had cancelled her checks in April (paranoia) unbeknownst to us. Utility company was concerned and reported the disconnection to APS.

APS took mom to bank for money order and discovered checks etc and got her utilities turned back on. Stated that mom hadn't showered and wearing dirty clothes. I welcomed call and provided tremendous background documentation to help them make a case and stated that I haven't been able to get her to budge nor have a doctor write incompetency though she has been diagnosed with dementia for 5 yrs. APS explained that they would get dr to sign and go to city attorney. I told APS that I wanted them to be the bad guys and they would have to work with legal system to get her into short term rehab or residential care and that I would work to find residential care near me.

Today they wanted my DPOA copy, which I provided, they are hoping to get dr to write she is not competent.

Mom will be ballistic.

APS stated "well now maybe with this you can avoid court hearing and court fees".

I'm scared. Will they just wash their hands and turn mom over to me as my problem? I won't have her banking worked out, a place for her to go, she can't stay with me, and I'm worried APS just wants to close the case and has no intention of helping me get her into short term rehab or similar so I can medically transfer her here when we have a bed for her.

what can or should I be doing? What can I request APS do to make mom safe while working on good solutions to minimally traumatized mom. I can live with her hating me once I get her placed; but I absolutely don't want to be the one she sees as physically removing from her home and invoking POA.

Has anyone had to do this? She is vicious and has always been vehement to stay in her home--but she refuses in home assistance of any sort and trusts no one in her home even me and my husband.

Please let me know your experience with APS.

Sunflo, this is tough stuff, but once they get the incompetency documented, they may be saving you from having to start a guardianship procedure. It would be lovely if they can play bad cop and you can be good cop, telling her how APS kicked her out of her home and you found her this lovely new home and having her believe it, but it may or may not work out that way. The reality is that right now she is neither safe nor happy. Once they recognize officially that she cannot make her own decisions because she truly cannot fend for herself, it will be up to you and them to find a way for her to be safe, but happy may be up to her.

Do start looking at places that might be to her taste in terms of post-rehab assisted living or skilled nursing. From what you describe, she is almost certain to max out on rehab progress and/or use up her days and need long-term placement rather than ever be able to return home to live independently, as much as she may wish to. As far as banking, once you have access to her paperwork, which will probalby mean searching her house to find all the critical documents and account numbers, you can likely set up online access. Or, the facility might be able to handle it by becoming her SSI representative payee instead of you; that is actually a separate process from POA. Talk to the director and/or social worker at the facility and see what they can tell you. Consider getting an estate planner or eldercare attorney to help you through things as well; it is OK to use Mom's funds for this purpose. Finally, find a real estate person because most likely you want to sell the home after it is cleaned up - and if it is too big of a task to clean it out yourself, there are companies that will do that; an estate sale is another possibility as long as it is not in too severe a condition, i.e. reaching the level of biohazard.

There is a LOT to this. A lot of work. A lot of phone calls. Prepare to keep files with all her important numbers, keep lots of copies of your POA both financial and medical, and the incapacity letter or letters handy because various people will need this. Do not sweat over her feeling angry at you or being unhappy that she cannot continue to live independently. She fought tooth and nail but that battle was inevitably lost to her progression of dementia; that's sad, yes; all you can do is try to make the best of it. You cannot worry as much about actually pleasing her or having her not hate you, because top priority is simply to get her cared for and safe.

We did have some social service involvement with my husband's parents in Philadelphia years ago. When things did fall apart, they got his mom into a geropsych and then his side of the family that lived closer found her longer-term placement. They will likely get the emergency situation resolved but leave moving her closer to you up to you. There have been children caregivers who do not actually interact with their mom or dad but who manage the finances and keep an eye on the medical care and all; there have been some who just could not do it at all and had to let mom or dad be a ward of the state. One final bit of advice, and not intended the least bit cynically - cultivate a relationship with your APS person or persons - compliment them and thank them and tell them just how hard and overwhelming you can see that their work is. You might even bring them a batch of cupcakes or flowers or something. They are overworked people with some really tough situations, and most of them really have compassion and will try very hard to do the right thing; sometimes they screw up or a doctor or a judge ties their hands, but they make the right calls and do the right things more often than not.

Thanks so much, I WISH I could send you flowers. I was flipping thru answers to this post and see responses I've made since 2012... Lol and definitely nothing has gotten better for sure. I've learned a lot. Mom had a stroke in Oct 2015 and I spent 3days with history and social worker and they had me so sure she would likely go to rehab and I was rubbing my hands together thinking I can finally get opportunity to move her near me to memory care. Well last day after her hospital antics they decided to try PT, OT, SP, visiting nurses at her home. I told SW they won't last thru day 1. Mom was all accepting and cooperative that she would comply rather than go to rehab...I was furious they even gave her the choice when Drs and nurses couldn't explain anything to her or get her to comprehend about the stroke and meds....sure enough we got home and I she refused all therapies and nursing care. I made nurse tell her that if she didn't let nurses come they would send her to rehab. It was a weekly battle and a nightmare for me at work with the constant calls from mom and nurses.

Now I have APS getting involved and saying she needs help which is obvious but honestly I thought there would be more medical evaluations, reports etc...I've answered all their questions but not getting any shared feedback info on what their care plan suggestion will be.

This happened to me a few yrs back when all anyone would say is you have to come and pick up your mother from behavioral center. I demanded a care team exit meeting and it was scheduled. They cancelled once I drove 4 hrs and literally dropped mom in the hallway and said sign here for her discharge. I was shocked and said I wasn't leaving without instruction. Nurse finally met with me hours later, dr unavailable...and she proceeded to give me this long care and dr and psychiatry, etc list for follow up. I was shocked, I said well your acting like she needs 24/7 care vs a couple days a week aid...she stated that she needed full time care. I was livid. 10 days before I had run out and put down payment on a bed at residential care near me. They were great and helped me organize paperwork admission. My husband drove 6 hrs to moms house to bring back furniture, personal items, etc to make new place "home"; then moved it all back when this rehab said no she could return to her home and dr didn't feel comfortable signing incompetency.

So in essence, even with planning, my experience has been they just want to dump the problem on anyone who even knows the elder or the warm body who happens to show up at discharge.

Definitely, the system needs more emergency temporary care system if elder can't return or remain in their home while family gets ducks in a row.

I'm not dragging my feet, but I want assurance that this is going to happen and mom can be placed. I'm looking into places, but it will be extremely traumatic for an angry mom and I'm expecting her to be combative so I have to find the right place that can redirect her and handle her. I don't want to get her kicked out of places or overly medicated.

Sunflo, you endured some of the worst communication and lack of discharge planning I've ever heard of. Hope things have turned around!

My husband is 91 he hasn t talked to our son and daughter and wife (for 49 years married) for five months.Especially me his wife calls all kind of names.It seems we always hit a stone wall nobody is willing to help.His PSA is 8 no medicine because he has his canser for 15 years and no pills help him anymore.He believes in vitamins.He leaves the house in the morning and comes back at night.He doesnt go to the doctor for a scan.Instead the last years of his life to enjoy his wife and family he always angry and rage

My Mom was told she couldn't stay alone anymore. She decided to go into a nursing home. She hates it and fights with her dialysis doctor because he won't release her to go back to her apartment. She falls a lot and being the oldest of 8 children the responsibility falls on my shoulders alone. No one even visits. She is threatening to walk out of the nursing home. Very Stubborn and won't listen to me. What can I do?

My Mom is 83 Has lived with me for 18 years, 4 years after my father's death. She has dementia now and is very stubborn.....doesn't want my help with anything, thinks she can do everything. She is constantly hiding all her stuff, and then can find it. One day I found her purse for her 6 times. She thinks people come into the house and told me she has seen them and told them to get out. I am constantly trying to assure her no one can get into the house......that only makes her mad.....Anything I say to her she is on the defensive and usually ends up in an argument. She thinks I'm her sister half the time.......and I tell her No I'm your daughter, sometimes she will believe me, other times she doesn't. If I don't talk to avoid an argument, she thinks I'm mad at her. She has her finances in a mess but won't let me help her.....won't believe anything I tell her. How do I deal with this? MJ

My Mom is 83 Has lived with me for 18 years, 4 years after my father's death. She has dementia now and is very stubborn.....doesn't want my help with anything, thinks she can do everything. She is constantly hiding all her stuff, and then can find it. One day I found her purse for her 6 times. She thinks people come into the house and told me she has seen them and told them to get out. I am constantly trying to assure her no one can get into the house......that only makes her mad.....Anything I say to her she is on the defensive and usually ends up in an argument. She thinks I'm her sister half the time.......and I tell her No I'm your daughter, sometimes she will believe me, other times she doesn't. If I don't talk to avoid an argument, she thinks I'm mad at her. She has her finances in a mess but won't let me help her.....won't believe anything I tell her. How do I deal with this? MJ

Mom is 87, dad is 92. Both have moderate dementia, but still live in their home because mom threatens suicide if we even mention the words "nursing home ". Dad was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive to us kids growing up, and extremely demanding to my mom - he always had to get his way or he would throw a tantrum. They are supposed to use a walker all the time, but both have had several falls, severe enough to go to the ER. My mom once fell so hard on the cement sidewalk that she broke a tooth and both sides of her jaw. They refuse to move to the 1st floor of their 2nd floor home because "robbers will break in and steal everything." They think the same about visiting nurses, even their own kids. Everyone is out to kill them and steal everything they own.

I am the youngest (53) and my husband and I live in the same town. I am POA because my older brother and sister (who live in the next town over) "don't have the time" or the interest. My sister has never worked and sits at home all day while I (until recently) was working full-time and raising 2 kids. My brother is divorced with grown kids, but works 2 jobs so he "doesn't have the time or the energy" to do more than mow the lawn or shovel the snow there. My husband and I do the bills, banking, legal stuff, laundry and anything else that needs fixing (the TV remote, the radio, clocks, light bulbs, blood pressure machine, etc.) We were also doing the groceries until I finally told my sister that she has to help out with SOMETHING. She also takes them to their doctor appointments now because I had unsuccessful eye surgery and can no longer drive.

My brother & sister say they have gotten over our childhood abuse, yet they will only do their assigned chore and leave immediately because it's too stressful to spend time with my my father. They are both in denial that my parents need more care than 30 minutes a few times a week. At the risk of my marriage and sanity, I have offered to take both parents in to live with my husband and me, but my parents refused. Their tenant on the 1st floor is moving out and I think this is an ideal time for my husband and I to move in there and take care of my parents 24/7. I know my mother loves the idea, but father emphatically said "no" because he hates my husband and me, even though we've been their primary caretakers for the last 15 years. We are the only ones to host every holiday at our house (because my sister is too lazy and my brother is single and can't cook), and we always brought my parents holiday meals when they became too frail to travel. My husband spends more time there taking care of them than my brother, sister and brother-in-law combined.

My husband has not been able to find a job in over a year, and my disability check does not go very far. My father allowed my brother to live in their spare apartment after 2 divorces, and allowed my son (his grandson) to live there after he graduated from college. The last tenant was an EMT who picked them up when he heard them fall upstairs, but he has moved out. I have clinical depression, panic attacks, anxiety disorder, visual impairment, heart disease with a cardiac stent, fibromyalgia, IBS, low self-confidence and no self-esteem. My father refusing to help us after we've done so much for them really hurts. It would be a win/win for all of us, but my siblings (and my mom) are still so afraid of getting my father mad that they won't back me up. Like others I've read about here, we are just waiting for one of them to end up in a hospital so they can be sent to a NH. Ideally my father, because I promised my mom I would not put her in a NH, and would take her in to care for her full-time. I just want my mom to have some peace and happiness, before she dies, without my dad's tyranny.

I've met with a rep from the Alzheimer's Center near us. She came to my parents' house to evaluate them and their house, but my father locked himself in his room the whole time. My mother "showboated" to look normal and healthy. The rep pointed out fire hazards that needed to be fixed, but when I told my father, he refused to have anything fixed because "it was his house and nobody is going to tell him how he can live in it." I had to secretly get an electrician to change their fuse box to circuit breakers so their house insurance wouldn't be cancelled.

I know this is long - other than my husband, I just don't get a lot of emotional support from anyone, and I am mentally exhausted. I'm tired of fighting with dad to do the right things to take care of both of my parents, and my depression is getting worse every day...

My mother who is 83 has a live in boyfriend who is 78 and he has been unable to walk for two days. My mother called an ambulance but he refused to go to the hospital. The home they live in is my mother's house. How can we get him to go to a hospital? My mother is not physically able to care for him, with him being bedridden?

Ginger, you have done what can be done without getting guardianship and making decisions for them against their will. You even managed to sneak around and eliminate an important hazard - good work there!

As you pointed out, something bad will eventually happen, and then so will the change in their living situation. Don't move them in with you or you in with them out of your sense of guilt and duty - everyone will hate every minute of it. And I know you think of your mom as the victim who deserves a better life, but honestly - she stayed with your dad and did not defend you; granted women of her generation were taught NOT to stand up to abuse and to defer to male authority - and she may not know what to do without him ruling the roost and probablly does not want to leave the roost either. How sure are you she would really be happy in your care either? And, you can't be guaranteed that Dad will end up in hospital and unable to go home or pass on first. Your husband and you sacrificing even more of your selves than you already are will not make mom and dad happier or safer. You say you promised Mom "no nursing home" but that would not make it wrong to find an assisted living or independent living place at any point, depending what she qualifies for.

This is a stressful time and you are propping your parents up in a situation that is marginal and can't be maintained long term. Your mental and physical health are deserving of attention. This ordeal will end - try to keep hope alive - bu you do need to make sure it doe not end by YOU being the first one to go. That happens to overextended caregivers. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Take a minute and at least pat yourself on the back for holding up and doing as much as you have done. It is extraordinary. YOU are extraordinary. Your sibs maybe stay away and limit their involvement out of healthy self-preservation at this point. It is sad that your dad is such a completely self-centered, macho man who is happy to make others miserable when he has the power to. As far as you possibly can, stop giving him the power to make you miserable. Do what you can to help without killing yourself, try again later with the Alz visitor or even APS, and realize that you have done enough.

Mmewcomb - your Mom may need Adult Protective Services to look in on this if he does not recover his walking ability and stays bedridden, or at a minimum get a home health nursing/visiting nurse to do an assessment in there. If he has had a stroke, the chance to do anything to reverse it is long past, but if he gets belligerent or anything a second attempt to get him to the ER can be made. Hopefully there is some alternative to leaving Mom trying to do what she cannot do.

Our elders who refuse care and push away the hands that would help them do not realize the extra burden and sadness they cause, and sometimes they do it because they just want to keep their independence even if they really can't, while saying things like "I don't want to be a burden..."