My elderly father is ruining my mother's life and retirement. What do I do?

The drug addiction will drain the bank account alone. I knew a man with vascular dementia and he couldn't even recall what he was sent to the grocery store for, which was three 2-liter bottles of soda. Something seems to be amiss here. He needs a consult with his physician and a geriatric psychiatrist. 

As I recall (admittedly off the top of my head) most of the notices saying "I will not be responsible for X's debts" or "...debts incurred by anyone other than myself" are usually preceded by "X having left my bed and board.." so there may be some differences if the person is still living with you.

Tex, first, I'm sorry you're facing these dilemmas, but admire you and your mother's proactiveness and tenacity in addressing the problems now. I think this kind of behavior must be a real challenge, and certainly alienating someone from her spouse. I don't know what I'd do, emotionally, but I would be furious and frustrated, see an attorney and do everything I could to block the Russian entrapment.

And I also appreciate your responding to the posters' suggestions. Oftentimes we never again hear from someone who asks for advice.

Something I recall that people used to do years ago was place an ad in a legal newspaper (We used to have a few that specifically focused on legal news, legal postings, etc.) that he/she was not responsible for anyone's debts but his/her own. It was a disclaimer of liability for anyone else. And it would be suitable in this situation.

A divorce (now called "matrimonial" or "family" attorney) could probably offer advice on what local legal newspapers might exist in your mother's area. I don't know, however, if there's a comparable national legal newspaper for denying liability for other's debts.

I would also notify the issuers of the credit cards, even if they've been destroyed, just to be on record that she's not liable for any debts he incurs.

Just did a quick search; you might find some more information by searching on "Russian honey scams". The second hit is for the FTC; the sixth is for the US Russian Embassy; the following hit is a UK business site.

I'm just "thinking off the top of my head" now. He might try again to get a passport; the US Embassy might have some suggestions on declination of passports for someone with his medical and mental conditions. Maybe he could be permanently blocked from getting a passport.

But there may be other Russian honeys here in the US, even if he can't bring over the one he's involved with now (assuming that's his eventual goal).

As to your other specific questions, and with no offense to other posters' suggestions, I'm not sure how AL or some other placement is going to stop his activities. If he's got access to the Internet or a phone, he can still contact his Russian honey.

If he's in a secure facility with no outside contact (and I have no idea whether he's at that stage), then he can't contact her. But that could provoke some outbursts or violent behavior if he tries to escape.

I think getting guardianship would be very trying, and frustrating, as your mother would be moving from the position of a wife to that of an overseer. And she'd probably face a lot of wrath and hostility from him as he would probably see her efforts as meddling or too controlling. I think her anxiety level would spike.

If guardianship is seriously considered a possibility, it might be better to get a professional guardian, but that also involves risks b/c of the abuse by guardians of the system...not all of them, but enough to be concerned.

Divorce is a possibility; but ask a matrimonial lawyer if someone with dementia can be divorced. He might be considered some level of a protected person.

And I think the really sad part of this is that the uncontrolled change in his rationality and common sense is to someone who is your very own parent.

I'd get legal advice pronto to halt the waste of money and to protect him from himself and others. Legal minds will likely have advice on the options.

I don't think you can read too much into the Russian dating site... these things are specifically set up to bilk money out of vulnerable people. I have heard of a lot of people having sexual fixations with vascular dementia.

If he is capable of understanding, he should be reminded by everyone that he is MARRIED and thus it is inappropriate for him to be on a dating site of any kind. Apparently some of these sites and the women are legitimate, but if so they aren't going to be interested in an old man with dementia unless their motives are nefarious. (I wonder if he even admitted to the Russian woman that he is married...)

It’s good to read that Mom is being so proactive about this. Dad seems to be beyond help other than placing him in a facility. Or divorce. But even if Mom has no feelings left for him, it’s hard to just abandon him when he has so many issues, since they obviously have a history.

Dad is probably out of reach, and as his health issues progress, he will only have more. Support Mom all you can, and run defense for her with Dad. I pity and admire you Mom at the same time.

@Joann29 - Agreed. That travel agent was on it.

@Veronica91 - OMG that is terrible. My dad has also been depressed for a very long time and the kind of dementia he is diagnosed with does not impair his ability to know right from wrong. Thankfully, my mother does have a good lawyer.
Thanks!

@Countrymouse - the opioids and mobility are not connected.
I have Googled this dating site and have found a few disgruntled souls out there but there must be more. I will check out consumer reporting agencies. Thank you!

@Tothill - He has back and neck pain, and has trouble walking. I was there over the weekend and blocked the website on their router and changed the password. He was on the phone with the cable company for an hour getting them to "fix it."
My mother has POA and her name is on all the legit accounts. He has taken out two or three credit cards behind her back and she has since had his credit frozen so he can't that again.

@cwillie - He has been diagnosed with vascular dementia as a result of several small strokes. He can do "normal" things like surf the web and apply for a passport, but he often gets confused.

I give the travel agency a lot of credit for calling Adult Services. Mom could change the router password and not give it to Dad. Then she has access and he doesn't. Once she gets control, she can have the cards frozen. That way if GF has info she won't be able to use it. It may be wise to place him in an Assisted living or nice nursing home.

This fascination with beautiful foreign women is a common problem and the sooner Dad can be put in a secure institution the better.
I saw this first hand when one of my tenants shot himself in the front driveway of the home he was renting. he had actually married a Russian woman and she was about to visit him with her sister and they may have actually been in the country already. he had been depresses for a long time and had been planning this for a while.
I hope your mother has found a good lawyer and will follow his advice. i don't know if divorce is possible when someone has a dementia diagnosis. He is no longer responsible for his actions because he no longer knows right from wrong so Mom has to take whatever actions are necessary to protect herself. I hope it all works out soon for everyone concerned.

Are the opioid addiction and the mobility impairment connected? What happened?

As your mother is already setting the wheels in motion, best to hope that she can have your father officially declared lacking mental capacity and take control of their joint finances. It may not be totally straightforward - when was his dementia diagnosed?

There are, alas, a good many men who've fallen for this vicious fraud; and it can be surprising how often they are neither demented nor stupid but just bewitched.

You could usefully look up some consumer lobby group sites and gather first hand experiences from victims who've lost their life savings to these evil bastard scam artists or people traffickers (either way, they want whipping). Hearing the truth from men just like him who've learned it the hard way might shake his blind faith in Miss Russia.

I'm so sorry you're all having to deal with this. How's your mother coping? - she's being very business-like about things, by the sound of it, but it must be heart-breaking for her. I hope there will be progress very soon.

Yes, how is her getting around if he has mobility issues? Who has POA?

First step, get some tech support and block the Russian Dating site. If need be, disconnect the internet from the home.

While that is happening, yes, your mother needs legal advice. Can she also have the mail redirected while she is sorting out the legal side of things? Is her name on any of the bank accounts? Make sure her accounts do not have his name on them to protect her assets.

I'm confused, how does a man with dementia and severely limited mobility access the internet and his bank account and apply for a passport?