How do I get my 94-year-old mother-in-law with dementia to not take walks during storms?

mother28 Are you new here at agingcare? It helps others to answer your posts if you fill out a bit of your profile, your Mom's condition etc. It gives a clearer picture of what you are dealing with. This is sort of of the original question but all are always welome problems here.
From your post here... conflict is a common problem with siblings and aging parents, so you are surely not alone. I often wonder why this happens. This problem, seems to me, the more I read here and witness this scenerio among my friends and others, it's seems "odd" if siblings get along through this. Or is this an issue that is prior to Mom's care?
It is clear to me from your words, that your Mom is your top priority. If this is the case, and your sister's behavior puts Mom's health at risk, and communicating with your sister is not an option. There are resources you can notify or ask for solutions, such as adult protective services, senior services, hot lines in phone book etc. If you are Mom's caregiver do not feel guilty about looking out for her best interest. The one that is not helping and making your life and Mom's more difficult should think over thier own actions. Is there anyone that can communicate with your sister a mediator between both of you? If so I would give your sister a chance and explain your concerns and if that is a dead end do what you have to for your Mom. To give your sister the benefit of doubt , people react in different ways when these type of issues become a serious reality. Denial, control, whatever it may... be we are individuals that see things in a different way. Good Luck!!! Hug your Mom! sometimes a hug is the best medicine.

my mother s care is been affected by my sisters persistant in not talking to me .i have tried for years to say i accept she does not want relationship with me. but she will not commuicate and it has made my mothers health worse.but my mothers will not say anything to me or her because she does not want to take sides.
my sisters children who are in the 20s also will not allow me to commuicate with me. this has been going on for years and has affected me and caused me depression. because as she is making appointments etc im also doing appointments and so many times we both are doing the same thing. but she wont walk away and i wont as i m not prepared to walk away after 40 years of always doing things for her. money does not play any part as my mother does not have any money. please can someone help me to make my sister realise that its not about me or her and we should commuicate for my mothers say. but she keeps saying its her right if she does not want to commuicate with me. she wont walk away either so i can deal with my mothers care and it just keeps messing things up. im going to have abreak down soon. it looks like ill have to take over completely but then im worried that she will stop seeing my mother as ill be there all the time.
thank you

jeanniegibbs I appreciate your post and thanks for the compliments as well. I am very glad you are taking a very possative attitude this is a most wonderful mind set to have you seem like a very strong woman your husband is lucky to have you. You are correct in keeping him in his environment and you should enjoy every moment you can.

Wuvs, I am certainly not offended, nor could I see how anyone would be. But you make it sound like everyone who has dementia needs constant supervision from the very moment of diagnosis. Not true. It is a progressive disease. It does not (usually) start out as bad as it is going to get. I say, enjoy the early stages as much as you can. The day may come when not only can you not enjoy many days, but it is not safe to keep the loved one at home. I do not question that some demented people are better served in nursing homes, and that may apply to the majority of those who reach the later stages. But it does not apply to all of them, especially in earlier stages. Ashlynn hasn't given us enough information to judge whether her MIL should be placed outside of her home (nor did she ask us to).

Your experiences give you very valuable insights, Wuvs, and I (and I'm sure many others) appreciate your willingness to spend the time to share it. Keep up the good work! I just don't promise to always fully agree with you. That is what makes these forums interesting and valuable, don't you think? A wide variety of opinions and insights from thoughtful people.

If I could tell you my Mom would be better off at home with me I would be lying. If I could tell you my mother in law did not kill herself due to the fact she was living with her husband who had progressively became so demented she thought the best way out was to end her life, and, If my grandfather didn't end his life due to unstable thinking, I would very happy. I have lived thru more than one person should experience, Dementia takes all different forms, but the bottom line is, it never gets better only worse. I am also a hairdresser that I often hear the thoughts and witness the downhill decline of many patrons over the years. My awareness from my unfortunate experiences became an abundance of Knowledge and with this I feel the need share and hope to help others. If I lived and learned all of this,it would be a waste to keep to myself. I am a very open minded person and I simply want to help others, my main reason for posting here.
What I posted was ment to be a reality check for those who are not prepared for a crisis situation. In fact if you reflect on what I posted you will see I stated... Everyone is different, "YES" , but with this type of mentally unstable mind, it's a risk when left unattended, even for a split second.
I was not speaking of just my Mother, I was speaking about the progression and how it is beyond control. I see 150 people at the nursing home, as I visit quite often, with many types of dementia. I have seen and heard it all. People screaming "help me" all day long. People not able to swallow solid food anymore so they druel and choke and now on liquids. Some have visual illusions of horror.
Those same people when in a stable, social, entertaining, active, atmosphere, smile but for a moment, speak when otherwise thought to be unspeakable, move to music and react to movies with a motioning of some type of joy. With this constant uplifting of spirit they seem to regain what thier ailments have robbed them of.
Do you realize that one day you may leave to get the mail as his wife and return to your husband as his wife but to him , when you reenter the house he may think your an intruder that wants to kill him and he may try to hurt you. When my Mom wasn't wanderng she was plotting to kill me. Her last day with me she was happy in the morning we went to lunch. Everything was fine, then out of nowhere she didn't know me, grabbed a knife. I locked myself in my room as she tried to beat the door down. I called police in fear. I couldn't get out of the room to open the door for them. Her Dr being aware of her unstability and my denial (up to this point) spoke to ambulance and police and recommended berhavioral health. Not until that day, did I realize neither of us were safe if she stayed with me.
My motive and words here are purely to enlighten others not to force my opinion. If I offended anyone I am sorry. I just wish I knew along time ago what I know now and if someone had told me, Lives would have been saved instead of lost.

wuvsicecream, my head is pretty clear, thanks.

My husband was more like a 2 year old for a period. He had to be watched every minute. (When I went to the end of the driveway for the mail, I had him sit in the picture window and wave to me, so I could keep track of him.) Now he can be left alone for a couple of hours. (Better living through chemistry.) He could not live alone, but he does not require constant watching.

You simply cannot generalize what every demented person needs all the time. There are many types of dementia, many improvements through drugs, many declines over time.

Your mother was a wanderer, apparently. My husband is not, and never was.

I am truly glad you came up with the best solution for your mother's situation. But the same answer does not fit every situation.

Clear your heads for a moment.....
At birth we are all a new born baby, the next day you are 1 day older, the 2nd day 2 days older and so on and so on. Each day there is a change and this is all a part of the natural progression of life. Nothing can stop this progression it is the natural course of life. Without these changes and growth with daily progression we would all remain new borns. Noone has control over this but nature. Can anyone argue with this point?
With that said... Dementia progresses beyond control. Yes it can be treated with medication to slow down progression, but, at the present day, it cannot be reversed or stopped. So if you are careing for someone that has this illness, control is not possible. You need to think about the growth and progression, not the cure. You need to except that danger is ever present. What might be "ok" at this minute is very life threatening the next. Everyone is different, "YES" , but with this type of mentally unstable mind, it's a risk when left unattended, even for a split second.
It may be simpler to think of it this way... Would you leave a 2 or 3 year old child in a room with a screw driver and nothing but open electric sockets and think to yourself (I told the child not to put the screw driver in the sockets or they didn't put the screw driver in the sockets yesterday so why would the child do it today). No matter what you do or say this is a possible life threatening situation, right!! Would you wait until the child is harmed and the say... "I should not have left the room with that child in danger!" It would be too late if harm is done and for you to act after the
fact. As the responsable caregiver of any child you would take no risk for accidents. So why would you do this with an elder?
My Mom was in very early stages and got picked up by police in her bathing suit in October on a very cold day. When I took her under my wing I had a very watchful eye on her(I thougtht) It was 20 degrees out she left the house no coat on because she wanted to go for a walk. I went upstairs for a few minutes, came downstairs door was wide open and Mom gone. Luckily police picked her up,aware of the fact that a woman with no coat in the cold was odd. I called police and they had her there. To look or talk to her you couldn't tell anything was wrong. Only got worse from there, keeping her in was like a game everyday. Every solution I came up with she would solve the problem and out smart me the next. The police became my Mom's buddy's she started thinking they were taking her on dates. Thanks to them being understanding about what her condition was a blessing, they were more than
understanding. A really young officer one time was believing my Mom when she told him I was beating her, I almost was arrested and luckily the sergent ,
was well aware I was just doing everything I could to protect her and keep her safe.
He explained the situation.
Now she is in a NH. Best situation for her and me. She is safe and happy as can be. She started almost hateing me in my care because I was always telling her what to do when. I had to. Now the atmoshere there is comforting dosen't change she's free to roam around. Dances and sings kereoke. Plays bingo, trivia, exersises, helps others. Honestly I have not regrets and now I understand this is the best and healthiest safest way for her life now. She actually LOVES me again!!!
BUT she still get's mad if she thinks I am looking out for her. So I just don't let her see or hear me, talking about her condition or aiding in her care in anyway and the staff understands not to let her witness that.

Just some things to keep in mind:
1. Not everyone who has dementia has Alzhiemer's
2. Not every type of dementia involves wandering
3. Dementia is progressive. People in early stages may not need the same supervision and restrictions that people in later stages need.

Ashlynn thinks her mother is safe to walk around the neighborhood. Maybe she is and maybe that is risky. My husband, in his 9th year with Lewy Body Dementia and still in early stage, is perfectly safe to go around our neighborhood on his scooter. He has never wandered.

Ashlynn is concerned about her mother going out during storms. That is not because she might get lost in the woods but that walking in storms is risky for anyone, with or without dementia and with or without the tendency to wander.

From the small amount of information given, I don't think we can judge what else the mother needs.

All dementias are not the same. When it comes to approaches to dealing with persons with dementia, one size does not fit all!

I agree, she shouldnt be allowed to. If I had dementia and started to go out the door, I hope my kids stop me! Dementia patients cannot reason even when they swear they are okay. You need to get a gps or alzheimer bracelet on her right away for one thing, and then, get her help before she gets killed or dies alone in the woods. Just do not let her, whats the problem. We have chains on the tops of all of our doors. Mom used to wander and pull on them, scream at us, etc, but its ok, its better and safer. Soon depakote took over and its stopped. Good Luck

I'd want to know a whole lot more about Mom's condition before I agree with Galtha58. Many people with dementia do reach the point where placement is necessary. But I don't think we can judge that based on one behavior.

Caring for someone with dementia is not a part time job. Your mom needs care 24/7. I would look for a good facility for her. It may be tough to do but for her own saftey and for your sanity it is likely the best solution. Doing it yourself in this kind of situation is really a losing proposition for your mom and for you. Good luck and bless you.

I think that we are all agreed that Mom shouldn't go walking in storms. The question is, how to stop her? I take it that she lives with you ... ?

Does redirecting work? "Rainy days always remind me of when we played cards up in our bedroom as kids. Would you like to play cards with me now?" ... "Could you postpone your walk? I'd like your help in the kitchen, with the soup I'm making for dinner." ... "I get kind of lonely when I hear thunder. Could you keep me company for a while?" ... "Let's go check every room and make sure no rain is leaking in!" Instead of focussing on what she can't do (walk in the rain) maybe focussing on what you'd like her to do would go over better. Or maybe not. Sigh. Caregiving someone with dementia is a very tough job!

Ladeeda's suggestion about locks might be worth considering. Since she is free to walk around the neighborhood in good weather, you could lock them only during storms.

I am curious. If she does go out, how does she react to getting soaking wet? Does she stay out long?

I have first hand experience with a Mother with dementia and full physical capabilities, this is a very dangerous combination. deefer12 took the words....

Just the fact that you used the word "dementia" should alert you to the fact that she should not be left alone. Time to rethink her situation and get some safety measures in place.
She does not realize what she is doing. This is a clue that her disease is progressing and she is no longer capable of making decisions for herself.

Thank you. You do understand correctly, we tell her no to going for a walk when it is storming and she doesn't hear the thunder and goes out anyway.

Am I understanding you right, that she wants to walk in the storm??? My only suggestion is to put key locks on the doors with you having the key.. I had to do this with Ruth, as she was always trying to get out... other than that I don't think telling her No is going to work... hugs to you