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Detaching with love, as mentioned, is a big step. So is counseling. One article that may help can be found at: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Elders-Abusing-Their-Adult-Children-Who-Are-Taking-Care-of-Them-137122.htm
Please take care of yourself in this relationship. You have your rights.
Carol
Why would you think the doctor would believe you are guilty of elder abuse? My first suggestion is to seek out a support group for other caregivers. It will provide you with a place to vent, share and learn. One thing you will find out very quickly is that your heartbreaking situation is not as unusual. Many caretakers, regardless of their age find themselves caught between loving and caring for a loved and being at their wits end. It is good that you've reached out here. It is time for you to seek respite care for yourself, it's time to talk to your doctor or your husband's doctor. They hear about this sort of case all the time. Care taking is one of the greatest causes of burnout that exists.
It is due to this sort of burnout that often leads to elder abuse....so this situation must be address because it is a danger to both you and your husband.
As a recommendation, I belong to an online group through Yahoo Groups called Senior_Caretakers. Do a search on Yahoo Groups. The people there go through so much of this and have experienced what you are experiencing right now. They are understanding, sympathetic and well informed. You will feel so much better when you begin to do something positive for yourself once again. You need to think about you in all of this.
Also, has your husband been diagnosed for Alzheimer's? Many of the the actions he demonstrates sound very much like Alzheimer's. If that is the case, you can seek comfort from support groups specifically focused on care takers of patients with Alzheimer"s. No one can continue to live a healthy, productive life being yelled at and abused. Please don't put this off. Folks who can help are all around...you just need to let them know you're there. Blessings to you and I wish you everything good. Jenny
Even if you felt more comfortable having him stay for only four hours, it would still give you much needed respite from the constant jumping through hoops and having to watch every word you say and everything you do. I hope with all my heart this helps. Jenny
Wow, "detach from love." That's so helpful!
I think every case is different. I'm 27 and have been caring for my mom for 9 years. The person she is, is not the loving, fun mother who raised me. I think it's very important for a care taker to accept that. It took me such a long time to figure out that this is not my mom, anymore. This is a person who is suffering. I want you to make sure you take care of yourself. My friend once told me, "You have to first put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you help anyone else."
My mom has been not only abusive, but manipulative and destructive. I got fired from my job because I didn't know that. All my energy and money was pouring into her, and that's not right either. My scenario was also very financially unstable. My mom never worked, and then my dad divorced her and she became sick. I ended up calling Adult Protective Services and they sent a social worker to help me. Keep going!
I have been there. Had years of counseling, now I am a certified Nursing assistant. That being said, I have also been suicidal and have lost a friend to suicide. Suicide is not the answer. It is a permanent answer to a temporary situation. You need to get help for yourself. Your husband may need a skilled nursing facility to live in, while you get help for yourself. I used to live in that situation. You do needed to detach with love, and take care of you. Tell your husband that he doesn't have the right to verbally attack and abuse you and that you are going to get help for yourself and he should do the same if he wants to keep his marriage. It is amazing how much better it can be when you both get healthier.
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