My mother is controlling my children and I through threats of turning us in for elder abuse, what can I do about this?

I am caring for my wife she has dementia and breast cancer. We have no kids together and her family is harrassing me calling the police saying I dont let them talk to her which is lie they come every weekend and pick her up. I have POA over her healthcare and finances and that is why they are mad now they have called a social worker they came out but nothing was founded her primary care doctor supports me I wanted to know what I need to do to keep her family from attacking me we have been married 40 years. They want to put her in a nursing home can also can they request medical records.

my situation is extremely sensitive. Two years ago I was run over by an angry man in my driveway. I suffered a mild brain injury and multiple injuries on my legal. I lost memory as to what happened that night and he gave my difficult answers and except for my son, who knows me very well, they decided to be angry at me because of the type of man I was dating for 8 years. They not expressed this before the accident. I had nowhere to go but my 92 year old mothers after I was able to get around on crutches. She let me come back if I promised to sue the man. I did and she allowed me to live with her. I guess there was a part of me hoping she had mellowed and that even though I had injuries I could be assistance to her. She has been horribly hostile towards me and has said many untruths and manipulates me in any way she can. I am getting so tired, but my strength is coming back in spite of this very uncomfortable time. I am paying rent for the room I have here at our family home, I administer her meds, personally spend my own money for her groceries and run errands she needs for me to do. I am leaving in fear due to all the anger she has had against me for whatever reasons since I was a toddler. The other day she fell trying to move a lawn chair and of course I am scared she will turn this story onto me. I'm scared to leave her hear along for fear of not being able to get back to my belongings and that she will tell someone I had abandoned her. I am scared of every breath I take. I have plenty of money to move out, but I am just getting enough strength to get around and can't even how I can come up with the strength to find a place to move to and how to move my belongings and I am 58 years old. My son is now in Africa so it is just me. Is there any protection that I can take to keep from her falsely accusing me of something. She has a very mean and conflicting personality. I just really need help....I want to be able to finish healing so I can get well enough to find a place to move to. I don't choose to stay in this town.

Time to care for your MIL from a distance - out of your home. Lots of good advice from folks hope you can follow through. Your first and most important job is to protect your children. Good Luck

when he bought the house she agreed to what was owed, which was more than what the house was worth. When she first bought the house in 1989 it was 45,500. after many refinances she was left owing 54,000 and the house was falling apart. In order to purchase the house he had to also pay off a second mortgage of 8,000 and a water bill of 400. He did this to get her out of debt and to keep us from losing the house so I could be home for her. She is frre to move if she doesnt like the rules. She refuses to go anywhere out of the house and then tells everyone I never let her out or take her anywhere. she tells me she is too proud for people to see her like she is. She does not have the funds to buy the house back thanks to many years of poor decisions. thats why I have always lived here and helped to pay the bills. The purchase took his whole retirement and he is 44. He had found a house for 20,000 and would have rather bought it, but he figured if he was going to buy he should go ahead and purchase this one since he knew I needed to be home with her or risk her going into a nursing home. I had squad people show up for her one day and they said that the way the house was that they were going to put me in jail and remove everyone. She was letting People live her and sleeping on the floor, I worked all the time and my young children looked after her, she was out of control with her hoarding and would not allow me to clean anything of hers. Now, the bills are maintained, house fixed to suffice for now, its clean and easy to get around in. There are no longer drug addicts and homeless people coming and going while stealing everything worth a buck. Everyone should be happy, but thanks to her that just isnt possible. Visitors that have came have loved what we done, but now are against us because we have placed a few minor rules to keep it this way and to be respectful of everyone in the house. She is the only one that even has visitors, my boyfriend and I are loners we are content with the quietness and the drama free lifestyle that we have. I am hoping that a social worker can find us help rather than take an extreme measure. But I just want what is best for her, always have.

When your BF bought the house, did he pay a fair market price for it? What kind of arrangement was the sale?

If you own the house, you make the rules. Mom is a boarder or a guest in your house. If she feels you are being unfair or abusive, she is free to move, right?

I think you should take the threats of reporting you for abuse seriously. If she does that, even if it isn't true, it can turn your lives upside down for a long time.

What about selling the house back to her and leaving? (After helping her find some other sources of care.)

I responded to this on your earlier posting of this on another thread.
https://www.agingcare.com/Answers/deal-with-mean-hateful-unreasonable-elderly-mother-137855.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=463515&z=1#463515

I am 35 and my moms caregiver, she has COPD and dementia. My boyfriend bought her house so I could stay home to care for her without the worry of losing the house. She was always calling me home from work because of her anxiety. She has my whole family believing we are cruel to her because we had to make a few house rules for everyone to follow, esp her. before he bought the house she let anyone and everyone come stay here when I supported everyone, did everything and she was ill. She let people come in and out and she was a hoarder. Now it is just me, her, my boyfriend and my 2 kids. no longer 8 people living free in my house and not doing anything to help. We cleaned the house and did repairs. He works odd hours while I am home caring for us. We asked that everyone call before them come to see if its a good time since his hours always change and we dont like surprise guests any day at all hours coming and going as they please. most of the people she allowed her were druggies and drunks. stealing from the house and disrespecting ev1. She truly thinks they care about her well being and she says that us making these changes are abuse and we are doing things that are against the law. We did all this for her and no other reason but family has her convinced that it was for her house and money. I hate this house if it were me I would have bought something else and moved, but she loves this house and she is on a fixed income that takes care of some bills, her food, meds and personal needs. I have POA and she told my cousin to get a lawyer for her so she can take us down. I love her and I am trying so hard to make this work while being fought every inch of the way. she is very verbally abusive towards us esp my 10 year old daughter that she is always very foul mouthed with. My cousin said what I'm doing is against the law, but these people are listening to my mom and refuse to follow house rules by calling first says that we wont let her have company, but in truth company is welcomed. we just want people to call first. Am I doing something wrong? There are times I have to leave for 15 minutes at a time to get my kids and I cant trust her to not open the door to just everyone, so she has been asked not to open the door. she wears her oxygen while lighting cigs and has been told not to. she says she could take us out with her tanks, then laughs and says she wont. I dont feel safe with her cooking because she forgets. Im at my wits end. Am I wrong? she says she dont want to live here anymore, then when I tell her ok I will find you a place to go to. She says yeah just throw me out like garbage you got what you wanted, meaning the house. again I hate this house, I wanted to move. I dont know what to do?

@ anonomous, lol.
i hope you die a painful death,
i hope you choke on your last breath.
i hope you die and it dont take long,
i hope you die 'fore i end my so-oong..

thats a pinkerd and bowden tune from the bob and tom show. check it out on youtube, its hilarious.. a fellow singing to his ex..

So let her call the cops or who ever she wants. It sounds like there is something going on with her physically or mentally. If there is nothing going on you don't have a thing to worry about. She will be evalutated and placed in a facility if Doctors feel she is not safe at home. I would call her Dr each time there is an episode.

Hi, I'm sorry that my post was soooooo long!
I didn't realize it. Margeaux

I'm new to this blog. After reading some of the above, I'm trying to sort out what''s been going on in our family. It has to do with two elderly sisters in their 90's. They've always been very close. Too close. The younger of the two is our mom, with about stage 5 Alzheimer's. Her older sister had congestive heart failure, diabetes and other things. We've always had a boundary problem in our family w/our aunt (mom's sister) since she had no children, and mom gave her carte blanche to behave as if my siblings and me were here children. This aunt had a history of being extremely outspoken, demanding and very sarcastic.They lived together in mom's family home. They'd been living together for awhile now, as all of us are adults w/our own lives. But some years ago, we all realized they started to need more supervision. Anyway, the elder of my brothers (POA) at time, was handling all their finances-for both of them. He was the one just interested in $$.
He mishandled a lot of property management issues, obviously spending mom and aunt's $$. About that time, aunt went into hospital for diabetic infection on her foot. Right on the back of this, mom slipped and hurt her back. While in hospital it was revealed mom, probably fell since she was having heart issues. She ended up getting a heart pacer on that stay in hospital. Now the two sisters were sent to convalescent home to recuperate before they could go home. Up until now they'd been living alone. But now, since brother had POA, they were released under the condition they had to be in someone's care, so released to him. He lives about an hour away from mom's home. So he took them w/him. His family is super disorganized...He's still has his over 22-29 year olds living there.
Anyway, in reality was no place for two elderly women in their condition to be.
Their needs were not being tended to. My aunt being the spokesperson for the two, called my sister and told her about it. So now, my aunt changed her POA w/my sister in charge and my youngest brother as second. I never figure in to this equation. So now they moved them back to mom's; sister moved in w/her two grown daughters, mom's house could accomodate all of them. The next several years, sister's been in charge administrating everything, from caregivers, property management, etc. She does one heck of a job. I live a distance away, but have come over and relieved her especially if she needed to get out of town w/her beau. I've been sounding board for what ensued, and have done other legal leg work for her when necessary. Well, as time passed mom has declined a bit, but she is comfortable and well taken care of by the great caregivers my sister found, aunt also. My sister also works full time. But my aunt became oh so, difficult. Now granted, the first POA-bro, wasn't doing a good job at all, but at that time, aunt tried to really set it up in my sis's head, to the extent aunt wanted my sister to report him for elder abuse. Of course he didn't take care of business, but my sister just didn't want to go down this road, for obvious reasons. We definitely know he wasn't hitting them. Anyway, as time progressed so did our aunt's needs become more demanding. But then, my sister had to deal w/the strange dynamics between aunt and my mom. She used to boss my mom around, actually she was very abusive w/everyone. Aunt became really aggressive w/everyone in that household, especially my poor sister. She even dished this to me when I'd be there. These two ladies have been super secretive about their health and their money. But one of the things that stands out in my mind, was that apparently about a year before we actually found out my mom was having ALZ issues, mom had already been on some anti-depressants for about a year before. My aunt knew about this, and never told us. Here mom at that time was still driving some what, to the market, (but should not have been), in hindsight. Aunt"s behavior became horrible....she was constantly talking abusively to my sister. She defamed my sister to all of the caregivers, telling them that she was never there. My aunt behaved as if my sister was supposed to give up every moment outside of her job time to be there w/them. At first my sister was the one taking the evening shift w/them cooking dinner, getting them to bed, and weekends. But then I had a talk w/her one day, as (sis is also a control freak) so this played into all of the scenario. Anyway, Aunt's recently did about a 2 month Hospice, guess where? At our family home! I don't' mean to offend anyone on this one either, because I am aware that Hospice can be a great experience for many people. But under these circumstances it was not. My aunt was sent home from her last stay in hospital, back in Oct. w/oxygen. She was supposed to be on it most of the time.
Well for the next two mos., it was a constant battle w/this woman, she didn't want the oxygen. She could now barely walk, was loosing her strength. But she insisted to be helped out of bed by caregivers to go be w/my mom to watch tv in the living room on a couch. The caregivers complied w/these outrageous requests, and of course there were the safety issues about my aunt falling, and my sister didn't need to be worried a caregiver was going to injure herself. Well, towards the last few weeks it got really hairy. When my aunt would be seated on that couch, eventually she'd start to slide off of it, since she could no longer sustain her own body upright. Her Hospice nurse had already become very annoyed w/her and had advised she stay in her bed. So two times when she was slipping, that caregiver had to run to get a neighbor man over to help prop her up again. She finally passed away exactly two weeks ago. In peace may she rest!
Anyway, my mom is surrounded by her four children and grandkids who love her.
Of course she's taking it hard. But throughout all of what I described above, I told my sister several times that I thought this woman should be assessed for dementia, or some kind of mental illness. My sister kept passing it off to, "Yeah, but she's always been this way." BTW, exactly one year ago, my sister discovered after reviewing some bank statements, that there was a 3,000.00 check cashed by her attorney. Apparently she'd switched up the POA, again, now to youngest brother. Sister had some pending matters w/attorney and had been trying to get a hold of him, they weren't returning calls to her. Then finally someone from attorney's office finally told my sister they'd been instructed by my aunt, not to talk to her. So for the next year my sister still lived w/this woman under these conditions also. Honestly, my hat goes off to her and all caregivers,
You all are wonderful! I would be interested if anyone has experienced something like this. But finally, w/out my aunt in the picture, we can now focus on our mother! Margeaux

I have been a caregiver for my then boyfriends parents for 15 months in Texas. The dad passed away on Christmas last year and we have been taking care of his 86 years old wife with dementia. Before he died he put me and stepson in the will to receive the house and contents after she dies to compensate us for leaving Ca to come to take of them, now her sister does not like me and has told this woman to evict me. What can I do ? Disabled myself with no income, no car, no family or friends here. Her son is my ex boyfriend and is living here as well. I'm distraught, need advise please ! Thank you so much !

Traci, while I'm sorry to hear about the marriage, I'm glad that you and your children are out of the abusive environment. He should only have the right to see the children without grandma being in contact with them. It's not fair to them or to you for them to be around such a sick abusive person. As for your husband, he's obviously got some deep issues too for him to chose her over you. Sound's like to me that way down underneath he is a captured 'mommy's boy' and thus does not know who his real spouse is. My wife had to deal with similar type shit with her borderline personality mommy dearest, wicked witch of the west mom when we started having children because that is when all hell broke loose not that it was all that peaceful earlier.

I suggest getting the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook, plus understanding the borderline mom because she sounds like she is one. Susan Forward has written a great book, Emotional Blackmail: How to Stop Being Manipulated by the People in Your Life.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

If you don't think my mother wanted to ruin my marriage think again. She threatened to kill my husband; she threatened to kill her husband, and my dad, In the ladder days. So I believe any relationship with any family member, with someone who is even slightly mentally deranged, should be questioned.

Don't think it is ok for them to socialize with family it is not. It will always end up in a no win situation. Your children are your invaluable gifts, don't risk anything for them

. Your children are not sacrifices to that person. That is what my mother thought of me. She, and I, believed her needs came first. Read Mommy Dreariest. No one should sacrifice everything, health, happiness, and finances. Oh, by the way my mother left me 1.00 in her will for all my care and concern. If you have a concern about your kids, stop the visiting. She is also teaching them as well. You do not need this. If they are young they will pick up on everything she puts out. You do not need this!!!!! Draw the line, God bless you, please draw the line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Traci Chudej here! Sorry I have not posted in a long time! I no longer live with the mil. Sadly I left my husband two months ago, I just couldn't take it anymore so I got my boys and we left. It is very difficult, she is still mean and abusive but now my children only have to deal with it when they visit their dad unfortuantely I think this has ruined my marriage which is very sad. We are safe though and God is taking care of all of us

I agree, I loved her but when she died the thoughts of my l suicide disappeared. I deal with the flash backs to, I still to this day do not know who she really was. Take care, and God does watch out for his children and he does protect them especially the ones who endure injustice from another. My mother never betted on me being stronger than her/she, and that is my justice!

I wonder how tracichudej is doing for we have not heard from her in months.

If your mom is claiming that you're abusing her, I'd at least get her to her doctor and have him/her do an exam, so there would be documentation that she is indeed NOT being abused. In today's world things can get really hairy when someone claims abuse. You're doing all you can for her and I commend you!!! Still, I'd cover my a**! I'll pray for you and your family to have strength in this situation.
Kathy

Thepicturetaker ,

People do pay attention to the abuse issue now more than a few decades ago. I guess your mom hid her abuse of you from your dad very well like my mother did hide what she did to me from my step-father who was such an alcoholic that was not much of a challenge and why I'm sure she married him. I'm sorry you didn't know who to go to. My wife got in royal trouble when she told a teacher what was going on at home and nothing was pursued further. When I was in the 6th grade right after my mother had married my step dad, someone from school sent a social worker over to check on my family because of some observations at school, but like with my wife nothing took place.

I'm 53 and just now coming to terms with and having flashbacks about my mother's abuse of me which she made me feel was normal as well. Frankly, I'll be glad when my mom dies. I feel like that I deserves for her to die soon. Just tonight, I've written another verse for my "Mammas Don't Raise Up Your Sons To Be Substitute Spouses" song that I wrote last week. It's to the tune of "Mammas don't let your boys grow up to be cowboys"

I wish you the best as you deal with your own painful mess.

I don't understand why promising someone before they die that they will 'take care' of someone, seems to always mean that they have to be taken care of in the persons home. I think to 'take care' of someone should mean just that, that they are being taken care of, either at home, nursing home, asst living, foster care whatever. period.

I do however pray for the inocent victims of children and adult children of abusive parents. If you think it is abuse then it is. I only wish that others will see this and stop and think that they would not have to put up with it anymore. I am 47 years old and I was too ashamed to address it with a health care professional for my mom, thinking they would not beleive me. I did not go to anyone when I was younger because I did not know who to go to. My mother had me totally convinced that it was not abuse.

That's funny I had brought it up to her theopist. They blew it off. She died by the way in June. No one would address the issue while she was alive. It caused her to die by herself. Not by my choice. I loved her unconditionally, but it meant nothing to her.

1, Your mother needs a complete psychological evaluation.

2..It sounds like she is a danger to you and to your children.

3. Subjecting the children to this environment is both neglect and abuse.

4. She's no different now than as when you were a child which tells me that your mother very likely has an undiagnosed personality disorder.

5. You didn't make your mom this way. You can control how your mom is. You can't fix how your mom is. I suggest say this a few times everyday until it really sinks in.

6. What you can do is chose a healthy path for yourself and your children regardless of who does or does not chose a similar path.

7. # 5 and #6 sound harsh but they are very true and they form the foundation for getting you and your children out of this sticky web created by your mother that she wants to act and claim that she is the victim of.

8. "Everyone" is exactly who and how many are they? For sure, someone knows the contrary about now and about your childhood.

9. Hope again all odds, but the reality is you will never earn her love and that might be why you are willing to put up with her crap now.

10. Save yourself and your children by getting her out of there.

The problem being everyone thinks I was abusive to my mother but that was not the case. It was from early on that her abuse started with me as a child. She only finished it by saying in her will I did not care at all for her. How that tore my heart out. Every step of the way I was always there for her only for her to say this in a statement at the very end.

T - If it were my mom, I'd move her to assisted living ASAP. RLP is absolutely right; your kids are being impacted. I've been in THEIR shoes when grandpa lived with us (I as 10) - I felt like I was unwelcome in my own home. I was ashamed to have friends over, I hid out in my room, I was afraid of him and thus other older adults. My dad didn't want to come home either so it left my Mom all alone to help him. He became ill and had to move out after a year but it was the year from hell for all of us.

You CAN be a good daughter and have mom live elsewhere. Contact your local area agency on aging for help to find a place where she can live. Best of luck!! Let us know how it goes and ask for support along the way!

I am so sorry you are going through this. You truly seem to care about everyone involved. I am very concerned about your children. The Dept. of Family and Children Services might become involved if someone at school feels that your children are in danger.Almost all states have a law that requires teachers to report any type of domestic violence or potential violence in the home. As a teacher, I would have to report any story I heard from a child that involved some of the situations you have described.Toxic grandparents are a serious problem for children and can leave emotional issues with your children. If you have to make a decision about what to do in this situation, just try to remember that your children are your first priority. Medication could make an enormous difference with your mom.
Try to explore this option today, if you can, even if you have to go to the ER. Ask for hospitalization until the meds are working for your mother-in-law.Start telling doctors about what you are telling us. They are mandated to help you. I understand the type of promise you made to your father-in-law. I made the same promise to my father. Try to keep in mind that looking after someone means helping them to feel as well as they can and as happy as they can under the circumstances. You are already loving her and that is the most important issue. You are in my prayers.

I speak for personal experience. This seems to be a topic that is not brought up much but needs to be addressed. Parents accusing there children of being abusive to them.
. My mother God, bless her soul alone because of her own lies and went to great attempts to try to cover her tracks to make the lies so. My advice is your mother needs an evaluation and follow up on it. You come across doctors that unfortunetly blow you off when you bring it up,if they ignore you then go to probate court and apply for a mental evaluation. You need two witnesses to do this. If it is a game your mother is playing then back off. The devistation an elderly parent who is not mentally well can ruin your reputation and demish your finaces. It is not worth the approval that she disires. The price is to high. Believe me it is not worth it!

Your mother definitely needs help although she may not want it.
It sounds much like she is in one of the stages of Alzheimers or
Dementia. There are good homes now strictly for these elderly
with these kind of problems. My daughter is Administrator of
several homes strictly to admimistrat to those with Alzheimers
and try to give them guidance in their last years. Check into
Medicare or Medicaid. They also counsel and guide those of
the family who do not understand their actions.

Bobbi and Secreat sister I am so glad you boyh told it as you did I was afraid my thought were too hard on her because she did not seem to understand how serious the problem is and am so glad you both told her what she needs to know it amazes me how one little old lady can cause so much hurt and trouble I see it myself in my Mom when I visit her esp. now she gives me firey arrows-she is turning her grandkids-adults away from her and she says she loves them but they do not want to be around us of her kids have to be but they do not and she does not see this-it hurts me because I am newly away from that with the husband and am still healing from that and being thrown back into the frey-only I feel I have to take her digs because of her age and her health problems and know I can get away sooner or later,

bobbi, I so needed your wisdom before things got so out of hand with my mom. We did not know the damage she was creating behind our backs, all the while thinking we were doing all the "right" things. I had no idea how bad my mother's mental condition was, and questioned myself. Your words on this thread have helped me tremendously. Since mom has already threatened us, called the police on me, and has many people believing her and not me, I am most concerned right now with protecting me. We have been living in the middle of a nightmare! I needed to read everything here as confirmation that it really is her and not me who's the problem. Why are others so quick to judge us and not see the behaviors of the one who's acting out?

It makes me cry for all we've been through, but I am gaining more understanding every day of why. It may be completely out of my hands at this point concerning my mom, but it's not too late to regain my own stability and sanity, and be a full-time wife and mom again. We learned everything the hard way, but at least we're learning.

I give credit to this site and the wisdom from you wonderful Caregivers who have taught me so much. Thank you all!!!

tracichudej, I am praying for you and your loved ones. Please take care of you.