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I HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER FOR 30 YEARS AND I SUGGEST YOU LET HER GO. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLEY SHE IS TAKING AD VANTAGE OF YOUR MOTHER BY NEGLECTING HER CAREGIVING DUTIES... AND FROM MY EXPERIENCE I]VE SEEN ALL KINDS.HOPFULLY YOU DONT HAVE ANY MONEYIN THE HOUSE AND MOTHERS NOT IN CHARGE OF THE FINANCES.THIS IS A RED FLAG.ALREADY.. I KNOW YOU WANT MOTHER TO BE HAPPY , HOWEVER TAKE CHARGE AND MOVE ON.GOOD LUCK.TO YOU...NANCY
Thank you for the kind words.
In the case of the couple I'm assigned to, there are a total of 6 caregivers, as they have 24 hour care and are very, very, very, very labor intensive. So I'm one of 6, and the only one who is considered more than "just" a caregiver. I'm currently there 36 - 48 hours a week. It's almost more than I can handle!!!
When the Colonel had his stroke in October, he called 911, couldn't speak, then called me and stammered out "i've had a bit of a spill" knowing I would call 911. When I arrived at the emergency room I could hear him up the hall saying "Where is she? Where is she?"
You can't force OR prevent (in my opinion) a deep bond. But the honest, as you say, and giving caregiver will be able to maintain a lovingly professional relationship. The gap I've filled in the family is that I do not become upset when there is an emergency such as the other night when he was bleeding fairly alarmingly and we had all kinds of chaos. He told me later that he really appreciated that I never seem to be shaken up by anything, which helps him stay more calm. The same (unfortunately) cannot be said for his daughter. They called her AFTER all was well.
I guess all I'm saying is that if a caregiver enters your mom's life who becomes a "daughter" to her, step back and evaluate what sort of value this adds to your mom's life in as non-biased of a way as you can. My couples' son thinks I'm a saint (as I said - they are intense in the level of care they require) and I think the daughter is just glad she doesn't have to do what I do. One thing that IS tough is knowing that I am looked at as "the hired help" or a servant, sometimes. In my world, this job is just ONE of the things I do, and I have to smile and realize perception does not equal reality. As a nutrition and health coach, I have people from all over the US calling me and listening to my Pod Casts, and the contrast is so stark.
Whooo turning into a venting session. :-)
Take care - and I do wish you the best caregiver on earth walking in and filling exactly the role that would make your life, and Mom's life, better.
Ruth
No matter how close a caregiver becomes to their charges, they are not family (for better or worse). It is such an intimate relationship that it takes a very vigilant caregiver to not be "sucked" into the family drama or take advantage of a vulnerable population.
I would be very leary if my Mom started talking about her caregiver as "family." I still think that there needs to be a professional separation.
Kudos to you for seeing that this is necessary with your clients.
One thing I have done is to choose 3 caregivers for different things ie: bathing/personal care, shopping, cleaning. That way she does not get too attached to just one person. I also reminded her to not share personal information about her family, finances, or medication. I also interview and instruct the caregiver up front. I tell them not to ask personal questions, etc. There are so many other things to converse about.
If I found that a caregiver was getting too "involved" in Mom's life, I would dismiss them. There are too many scary stories on this site about parents who were taken advantage of by paid caregivers...some cases go to court because the parent has given the POA, etc. over to the caregiver.
If something does not feel right...act on it now.
In that I come from a perspective involving my care for my Mother who had Alzheimer's Disease, this may or may not be entirely fitting, but I think so.
You must remember, lowrider, that in effect, you are the parent and your Mom is your child. Therefore, always think in terms of what type of 'babysitter' would you wish to care for your child.
Surely one who emotionally supports your child, but moreso, one who attempts to view your Mom and you with the idea... 'how can I really - honorably - help them"? And then proceeds accordingly. (Which is, after all, the all encompassing essence of Care-Giving) You want a Caregiver who not only with sincerity accomplishes the successful encouragement of your child, but also one who doesn't neglect the 'mechanics' of what Care Giving requires. There are Caregivers who are willing and able to do both.
Speak with your current Caregiver and encourage their slight change in approach, but if necessary, do not fear bringing someone else in during alternate times in your effort to make a gradual transition.
Good luck,
V
Thank her for filling the emotional potholes in your mother's life but remind her that assistance with daily living is crucial. Sit down together, review the job description, make a priority list, and take it from there. Also, let Mom know that there are things the caregiver must do around the house before "chilling" with her new best friend.