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It's hard for her to deal with the emotions she has/had? and she's using you as her whipping post (she has no-one else) to relieve her depression. I've often said on this site that understanding the root of mean behavior is part of the solution to dealing with it.
If you haven't already, try to get your Mom some mental health help. She needs to talk to someone about her feelings so that they don't bottle up and vent out on you or anyone else for that matter.
I've been there and understand how YOU feel as the daughter. And a daughter with her own health challenges, at that!
Best advice, take care of yourself first. Get healthy so that you can take good care of Mom. Use as many resources as possible to help Mom (it doesn't have to be on your shoulders alone), and realize that your Mom's health may not be fixable, but she's still alive. She still has wants and desires and goals.
Love up on her as much as possible. I can't imagine myself living in a NH or AFH/AL environment. I hope I never have to. Your Mom may be the same way, and the adjustment may never happen.
Be as sweet to your Mom as you can. Step away when you need the break and foremost remember to take care of your health!
It might be difficult logistically, but the reward! That smile shell give you will make it so worth it. Find something for her to look forward to.
If you need someone to tell you, let me do it. It would be my pleasure. YES, YOU ARE DOING ALL THAT YOU CAN. Hugs.
You can not change another persons way of thinking. In this case you mother probably feels her life is spiraling out of control.
As far as the bathing is concerned I imagine by now this has been addressed one way or another. Can you have your private hire check out the bathroom? Is it bright, airy, warm and big enough for a person to be on either side. Is there proper equipment to get her safely in and out. Are there plenty of soft warm towels to wrap her in. Bath aids receive little training and minimal supervision so some are wonderful and others use the bathing situation as a power trip to inflict distress on their patients. I have seen a little old lady being showered and the aide was rinsing her hair and allowing the water to run down her face. She was not complaining but her face was screwed up and she must have felt like she was being waterboarded. The aide was not being deliberately unkind but I hope I am never that old lady. Disrespect for privacy is the norm these days not the way I was taught. When I was working and did extra hours filling in for an aide it got back to the office that I was the best one they had sent and could they send me again, of course they didn't that was not my job. I am not writing this to scare people with loved ones in N/H but to point out there may be valid reasons for patients to refuse care. They themselves may not understand why they have the fear but it is there. Your mom is very old and you can't be young and have very significant health problems so take care of yourself and accept that you have done everything possible for your mother's comfort and wellbeing. She may never be satisfied but deep down she knows she has a very caring daughter who loves her whatever she does or says. The reason she feels free to dump on you is that she knows you will still love her at the end of the day come what may. Keep calling her even if you have to cut it short, and send the flowers, food gifts, cards and anything else small she may like. Even if she throws them straight in the garbage at least she knows you care, and above all make peace with yourself.
I am answering this because You say you want honesty. Your question is "Are you doing enough". Your mother has no visitors, except every two weeks a nurse visits. Her basic needs such as trimming toenails are not done. She is a problem patient. With no visitors, she is neglected by the staff. She hates the nursing home. She has the same list of complaints that are brushed off as dementia, or her stubbornness, but they never get addressed. So besides your daily phone call, what exactly are you doing? If you have to ask the question, you know you aren't.
What can you do? You don't mention finances. Can she afford a private room, or help living alone? Why can't she be moved to a home close to you? Try to make it happen. Can you hire a companion, an introvert, who could visit daily, run errands, make her comfortable, befriend her, report back to you, so you would have eyes on her care? Do you have a camera in her room, so you know what the level of care is? Nobody travels well, do it anyway.
In the afternoons, a Home Care aide comes out to merely sit with her; my aunt pretends to sleep during the entire visit, and she refuses to eat when the aide attempts to feed her. She holds her food in her mouth overnight as well as her medicine. I got creative and started to crush her meds and put it in a Ensure; she likes them and can't seem to tell if the meds are in it. But she also has to be watched on that because she will sit and pretend to sip on the ensure without taking a sip. I have to stand over her until she drinks the entire 8 ounces, and for a week now, the ensure is all she has been consuming. When I encourage her to eat, she comes down with some type of pain, start grunting and shaking as if the shake is killing her. I don't pay any attention to that because the behavior only starts when you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. Before this behavior, she was having a heart attach every day when I was to take her to Adult Day Care, try to give her a bath, etc. Anything she didn't want to do.
The caretakers think she is the sweetest thing, also and say that my aunt does not act that way with them. One aide started spoon feeding her and now she expects that. She can still feed herself and I won't do it. Even when she is spoon fed, she will say "I have enough" after two spoonfuls. She gets so weak until she can't move without assistance, can't talk above an audible level.
I am at my wit's end, and have decided to put her in assisted living. I hate to do that because I know the policy is not to force them to do anything they do not want to do, so I don't expect she will live that much longer, but I can't stand to see her waste away before my eyes.
Joyce, I completely understand your sadness as I go into grief each time I decide to have her go to a nursing home, but I can't take care of her if she is slowly starving herself to death. She has been with me for over ten years, and I know that I have done my best, but I keep thinking, I can do more, but I now know that I can't. My heart goes out to you and do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
Oh dear- I am at the very beginning of a journey like this and I see it is going to be a very rough road.
May we all keep each other in our prayers.
I think you are doing enough for your Mother. She is being well taken care of. We have to accept that we can do everything but make them happy. To survive myself, I have accepted that. You must, too!!