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Your mother moved near you because you are the one she has designated throughout life to be the slave to her needs. The golden child is above all of that, your needs and desires are the very last in the family hierarchy.
When the abused child becomes a caregiver it is because they have been conditioned to appease, to avoid conflict, to place themselves last and have never had therapy to understand differently. Somewhere down inside there is still a desperate child longing to finally win the love and respect of the narc parent.
Amen!!! Nailed it!!
So I grew up feeling insecure. Imperfect. Never up to mother's standards. Always feeling the need to jump thru the fiery hoops to please the mother who would and could never BE pleased. To make mommy happy. To be the good girl who would make mommy proud. And that sort of brainwashing stays with a person throughout their life.
And, as an only child (lucky me), I was the only one around to take charge of my parents' lives as they aged and became ill. My dad was a great guy, but bullied and abused by my mother for 68 years. After he died 5 years ago next week, mother lost her main scapegoat and whipping post and turned all her anger and rage on ME.
So what I do is this: I set boundaries with my mother. I call her 6 evenings per week (she thinks I work full time, ha!) and my DH calls her the other day. We both go to visit her 1x per week for 20 minutes (it's a window visit right now at the Assisted Living Facility where she lives due to COVID19 restrictions) and that's it. I pay her bills, I run her life, I send emails make phone calls, arrange to have a tooth pulled, a doctor visit, order incontinence supplies, EVERYTHING. But on MY terms, from MY desk, at MY convenience. I make the rules and I stick to them like glue.
Otherwise, mother would invade what's left of my life with even MORE negative hostility, nastiness and BS in general.
Let your husband read these responses and then decide how to proceed with the situation accordingly.
She doesn't even notice. I did 8 months of cancer TX last year and she never called or inquired of anyone how I was. (sick, very, very sick).
When I went to see her, after chemo was over and I had just begun to grow some hair, her first words to me were "Oh, and you used to be so pretty". What a backhanded compliment.
Last week was her 90th birthday. My YS asked us to write her a letter and include good memories and such that we had of growing up. I just. Couldn't.
So I gave her a generic card and called it good. I'm sure YS thinks I was being a prima donna, but I won't lie to mother and pretend I feel like everything is peachy. I wasn't mean, I never AM, but I also do not have to kowtow to her.
I need peace--for myself to heal from a horrible year of being sick, and for my own self protection.
Sad for Y with whom mother lives. My SIL says she and YB fight all the time and he gets really, really angry. They both wish they'd never moved her into their home. 22 years now.
I remain a classic 'overpleaser'. But I choose whom I care for.
Living far away from Mother for over 30 years with one week visits once a year, and then taking her on 24/7/365, helped me to realize that her version of love and mine are very different. I understand now that she has narcissistic tendencies. Covert narcissistic personality. And that this was a learned behavior, so probably her mother taught her. Makes me sad, because this is normal to her. It took me moving 600 miles away to break the cycle. But still, my wounded child self occasionally seeks approval and empathy from someone incapable of genuinely reciprocating.
Wishing you so much luck going forward. There is such good food for thought in this thread. We often need to reach out for a disinterested and trained person to help us just sort through and organize our thought. Otherwise we tend to stay mired in the daily routine, because it is, if not "good", at least "comfortable.