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The question to ask yourself is this—-would my mom want me to be by her bedside or with her granddaughter?
Tell the nurses at your mom’s hospital when you won’t be coming for a visit. They are trained to know when the end is near (barring a catastrophic death like heart attack) and they should call you if she is failing.
Live your life as best you can while it’s in slow motion (it feels like slow motion, doesn’t it?).
Rest assured that if your mom dies while you are not there, that you’ve done nothing but the best by her that you could.
I wish you peace in your journey.
Please do NOT let guilt take over your life. I LOVE CeeCee's question: "The question to ask yourself is this—-would my mom want me to be by her bedside or with her granddaughter?"
If you and your Mom were always present at a particular event, then go to the event. Let the nurses know that you are not coming at your usual time and where you will be in case your Mom's condition gets worse.
Not all patients or people who are sick want their loved ones around when they die because they want to spare their family the experience of death and dying. I have had patients who were very ill and waited until the family left for lunch or to go home and then the patient died once the family was gone from the room.
As CeeCee said, be "assured that if your mom dies while you are not there, that you’ve done nothing but the best by her that you could."
May God bless you and your Mother as you walk this final path together. God is your comfort and your strength.
I mention this because despite all of your diligence - your mom might die without you there and I hope you won't guilt yourself - bad daughter. It is how you have treated your mom your whole life and especially now, at the end, that matters. And she knows you love her and she appreciates you. Bless you.
I know exactly what you mean about how close you two were. I'm the only girl with three brothers. I also wound up with three sons, no daughter's! So Mom was it. Yeah friends come and go, but Mom was my constant friend, advisor, confidante and rock my whole life.
I really feel for you. I agree with the advise above, so no need to repeat it. Consider yourself blessed, some don't have Mom's like ours. 💕
But then I realized....
that five minutes after I left, my mom didn't even remember that I had been there.
Conversely, and this is HUGE, at any given moment she could not remember whether I had been there five minutes before!
Truth is, she is fine with or without me. She enjoys my company but does not miss me when I am not there.
Some consolation.
The state of dissociation both of us lived with for weeks of dying (god help those with months or year of dying) have stayed with us as an unresolvable trauma. My father is on Hospice, and that isn't real either. Mom had said to me once that she wasn't sure how she felt about us being there for her death. After my experiences, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be there for Dad's death. I feel cruel and heartless, but 15-plus years of vigils have burned me out. You are still able to hold on to a very beautiful and active loving ability to be there to care, for all. If it should happen you lose that motivation, even for a day or so, we've got to support each other and say that guilt can be a beacon for future actions, but it can also be a malicious ghost that will destroy your joy in life for years to come.
Don't feel guilty. You are doing your best, and just keep reminding yourself - nothing you can do is going to change the situation at hand. You can't control or change what's happening - be there when you can, but give yourself a break too.
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