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I understand you.
My mother always put herself first and when she tearfully asked me to promise that I would never put her in a nursing home I promised. And yes, I know that she no longer remembers that....but I do.....and my personal conviction is that I will keep the promise
I've been told by friends who have now drifted away that if I'm not going to place her in MC or NH then I'd better not complain.
Nevertheless......this season of caregiving was something that I never wanted and I have lost pretty much everything that I enjoyed. I don't even care to clean my house any longer. Everything that I attempt to do gets interrupted by her care demands, so why bother?
She has dementia, is blind, hard of hearing, has mobility issues, is a fall risk, has edema in her lower right leg, snaps at me, finds fault, is needy needy needy.
I do have 4 sitters who come and go at various times and give me a break from dementia prison, but I find that even dealing with them aggravates me and stresses me out. Plus, I no longer have a life of any consequence, so I just go wander around Wal Mart or Home Depot or the grocery store just to stay gone for 3-4 hours.
Just having to depend on someone else so I can freaking drive out of my driveway grinds my gears.
I cry almost daily now. I woke up this morning crying because I'm so exhausted and sick of all of it. Wiping poop at midnight, no freedom, never getting enough sleep, having my name called endlessly, keeping up with bowel movements, getting her in the shower once a week and on it goes.
I am so isolated and lonely I can't breathe.
As of March my mother is under Hospice care so I've had a better level of support. She was a death's doorstep from a respiratory infection - brought in by a sitter - and once again she has rallied and is back to her baseline.
So yes, I'm ready for it to be over, but as others have said here, she can very well live to 100 or beyond at this point.
I'm not loud, so I don't yell - on the contrary - I just carry out my duties as quietly as possible and try not cry all the time.
How can it be wrong to want it over? She is going to Heaven. She will be with her loved ones - I'm the only one left here - she will be able to see and will be joyful.
I will never understand why people torture themselves by caretaking in the most extreme and unrealistic expectations. And those being cared for just don't care about what it is doing to the other person.
Mom very well might outlive you at this rate.
The caregivers who visit unhappy LO’s who don’t live at home want it over .
The caregivers watching a loved one decline want it over .
The caregivers watching a LO suffer want it over.
The caregivers who feel guilt want it over .
The caregivers who are isolated want it over .
When the LO is miserable, scared, suffering , and/or have no quality of life ………….everyone wants it over .
Mom was supposed to rotate where she lived. Her twin sister, one of my sisters and me. That didn't last long. Her twin fell I'll and eventually passed. Mom didn't like being at my sister's at all. The other sister guilted me into taking her back. And it's turned into permanent it seems. She doesn't have enough money for a decent nursing home and she has too much money for Medicaid. I have found a place that takes her for(my) respite care.
I am considering taking her to respite care more often. She has enough $$ for a few weeks of that at a time. It's a two week minimum. I wish I could take her every other week. Or for the weekend. This will help use up her $$.
Caring for a parent is very isolating.
Thank you for your reply. It is sooo nice to have place to vent and also, see that I'm not alone.
By the way, your feelings are normal.
I think about something happening to them all the time. It would make life so much easier! I think about what a waste of time, money, and energy they have become and then I feel incredibly guilty!!
I have told my children to give me some really good drugs and tell me to chase butterflies (off a cliff) when I get like my parents. Horrible- I know!
good luck, go get a donut, God Bless you for what you are doing!
Oh boy.
(((Hug)))
We’re all in tough situations.
Although we did our best to plan for our "golden years", neither of us EVER anticipated living as long as we have. We heartily recommend that longevity researchers direct their efforts elsewhere! IMO, the average human body is pretty much at the "best-if-used-by" point by the time it reaches 75-80 years (O.K., maybe 85)--super-elders and outliers notwithstanding.
I was reading about PTSD. Many of these symptoms are those of PTSD.
So of course I, a human being subject to limitations in power, can't help but wish for an end, some peace, some time to think about anything that ISN'T shit on the floor. Just like any living being we must be forgiven for wanting to survive. 14 years?!? And life can't be pleasant for her either. The normal end to it all is death, peace, relief. We are not yearning for something that is abnormal. The bullet with our name on it is coming for every single living being. I'm ready for my own beloved husband (93 with dementia) to go -- the thought of the nightmare world of daily humiliations, forgetting, losing each ability...who would choose that for themselves? Likewise, who would choose in advance to make sure their loved ones would end up being caretakers who are ready to drop where they stand?
Hugs to you...what a difficult (really almost impossible) thing is robbing you of your own life and health. Well, you know you have many, many friends here who are living in some version of what you are suffering through.
I agree neither the LO nor the caregiver chose this. And we are only humans with the instinct to survive. At the same time, it’s also natural to want the suffering to end . Modern medicine and naive promises cause us to fight these normal emotions and punish ourselves and each other for having them .
One of my biggest regrets in life was that I couldn’t find it in my heart to place her in a facility. Please look into placement for your mom.
I had extenuating circumstances in how my mom came to live with us. She became instantly homeless when she lost her home and all of her belongings in hurricane Katrina.
Mom’s home had nine feet of water and couldn’t be repaired. My parents bought the home when I was a baby.
It was quite an emotional time for everyone in New Orleans. All I could think of doing, was to comfort my mother as best I could.
Initially, things weren’t so bad. I was able to work and I was raising my children. As mom’s Parkinson’s disease progressed, it was a different ball game. As you say, they aren’t the same mother as they were before.
I quit my job to care for her full time and depression set in, then anxiety. I look back and see that I developed an unhealthy codependency with my mother.
I ended up in therapy. I suggest that you do the same. Speak with a licensed therapist to help you sort through your feelings.
It certainly helps to get an outside objective opinion when we can no longer see things as they truly are.
Wishing you the very best. You can’t change the past but you can move forward.
Transitioning into new territory is never easy but it is possible and so worth it!
Take care.
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