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That's a waste of time.
Many will tell you to realize this "is the disease talking" and to go.
I am not going to visit "a disease".
I would be visiting a father, or no one at all.
I WOULD send lovely notes and letters, ALWAYS with pictures of people, places and things he MIGHT remember, so that the staff could read them to him if he's having a good moment.
That's it.
What sense is there in visiting someone who is ALREADY GONE. I simply don't get it, myself.
Your situation may improve when he forgets who you are. Most of the time my mother thinks I’m just some nice lady who pops by, but she can’t place me. So she treats me with courtesy. Although I have been subjected to hilarious stories about Ana, that daughter of hers!
She now thinks my brother is my husband.
This is one terrible disease. It is depressing to go there and stare at her, but we do to keep on top of her care. I go once a month and my brother does the same, unless we need to take her to a doctors visit.
This is sadly a common occurrence.
Consider limiting your visits to less frequent and/ or shorter time spent there when you do go. It will be healthier for all. And remember, the loved one with dementia will not remember if you were there,when nor for how long; hence don't bother saying I'll see you again on a specific day or time. Simply say, I love you, see you soon. This is not in any way uncaring; on the contrary it is very caring for the loved one and yourself. Sometimes dementia patients are actually more content and may have less anxiety the more " routine" their day is with the facility caregivers ; visitors, although needed and caring, may actually provoke unintentionally increased pt anxiety which is presented in many ways including anger
Take care of yourself !!
This does not mean that you do not care nor love the person. Do not let anyone guilt trip you if you make this decision.
Best of luck to you.
My mom was similar. Lashed out over and over. Tried to talk w/her to stop. Of no use. Limited/shortened visits and calls. Time between visits or calls got extended. Finally, went no direct contact. Dropped off a bag of snacks once a month w/a very brief note “you enjoy the treats” as the longer letters would just trigger a ranging voice mail message. There was no point in direct contact for her and certainty not for me, for my mental health
She passed a month ago bi have no regrets on the no direct contact decision. Was grieving the loss while she was still alive and now able to grieve her actual death
All of this is terrible for any in the midst of the dementia journey. Best of luck with your journey. Working with a talented therapist can be very helpful. Hope you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
1) Talk to the AL staff. See what their take on it is. They may find that he is wound up by your visits, and they are suffering from it too. Or they may have other suggestions.
2) Wear earplugs. You want to “see him”, literally, to see how he is. You don’t have to “hear” him. Watch and smile, take him something he can look at and handle, and leave it at that.
3) Drop down the frequency of visits.
Don’t let yourself feel guilty if you decide that there isn’t any point in upsetting both him and you. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
Thank you for the advice! I appreciate it!
I did take the advice of several by not visiting him as frequently. I remind myself he is safe, he is being cared for, and he has made new friends. My motto for 2024 had been “Let go and let God”!
I felt a lot of guilt for not wanting to go visit anymore. A therapist advised me not to, and just to send thoughtfully written holiday cards. It sucks. I'm working on accepting that I have to grieve losing who he was while he's still alive, and it's very hard for me.
He has called my husband multiple times all afternoon and tonight, but never says anything. My husband has tried calling him, but he never answers. 🤷♀️