Does anyone else deal with parents who often look for things to criticize?

When a person is critical of you, you point it out, and they say YOU are too sensitive, that's a passive aggressive narcissism trait. Ugly as it gets. Check out this article which I found to be super helpful on the subject of recognizing these people, identifying them and coping with their hideous behavior:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Hopefully I didn't already share this link w you 😂 bc my memory isn't what it used to be.

I have found that ptsd is real from all this kind of abuse. It's none of your father's business what type of dog you have or how big he gets, either. A running dialogue of his opinions about YOUR life is not welcome. So how do you avoid That? You strictly limit your contact with the toxic human. You set the boundaries down, as explained to you in previous posts. This won't change. YOU have to tell HIM what you'll accept and what you won't, otherwise HE makes the rules.

Decide how much you'll do for him, what day a week you'll do it, etc, and then go about putting the plan in place. If dad doesn't like it, back away entirely and do nothing for him at all. It's a privilege what you're giving him, not an entitlement.

Good luck establishing your boundaries with the man.

My mom was super critical, yet very loving. She grew up the youngest in a large family of super critical people. She didn’t know any other way of life despite us kids repeatedly telling her that she was super critical. She could not recognize it in herself. She thought she was being loving and motherly. Finally, one day I used an approach I read about in an article and it worked. Every time she gave me her opinion, I replied: “Thank you for the advice. I will take that under consideration.” By saying this, I was acknowledging what she said, but not committing myself to anything. I was showing respect for her and for myself. If she went on and on about the same topic, I kept saying “Thank you for the advice. I will take it under consideration.” I did not justify or defend myself. She soon clued in that she would get that same response every single time. My mom’s critical statements dropped dramatically and we had a much more loving relationship after that.

I did deal with this. Mother passed several years ago. I had a lifetime of it and she passed at 106 when I was 81. You have to learn to love and care for yourself first. Many of us brought up by critical parents have PTSD, I believe.

I was her caregiver but at a distance, worked in my job till I was 73, only visited her where she lived (5 hrs drive away) a few times a year. She had home help and then finally moved into facility care. I made it very clear to her that I could not do any hands on care.

Even seeing mother a few times a year for few hours and often having a friend with me, was very stressful.

As much as you can, get others to help him. Cut contact to a minimum. You don't need any more of that criticism and negativity. It's brought you down far enough. Time to put you and your needs first. ((((((hugs)))) you have a lot of healing to do. Put that as a priority. I have seen counsellors off and on all my life.

When a person like your father is miserable to the core, they want everyone around them to be miserable too, so they find all kinds of things to "criticize" to hopefully ruin their day/life just like his is.
But guess what? You don't have to stick around and tolerate him anymore. That is your choice. Remember that. If you choose to stick around and tolerate his nonsense that is on you, and you have nothing to complain about as you made your choice.
So I hope that you will come to the realization that you deserve SO much better and that you owe your father nothing.....as in NOTHING!
And I hope that you will put yourself and your mental health before your undeserving father.

Sorry you are dealing with this, I had a similar experience with my mom. Not that I am a clinician, but everything I read IMHO confirms my mom has strong narcissist personality traits. Others on this blog have suggested you may be dealing with a narcissist parent here too. Irrespective of any clinical diagnosis, this is indeed a pattern of verbal abuse. It is a parent of your father trying to shift his miserable attitude, outlook and experience with life on to you. If he can make you miserable, defensive, feel less than him; then he feels better. Putting you down -- via criticism -- is his way of making himself feel better, superior and in control.

Sadly, this pattern -- especially if a life long pattern from your childhood as it sounds -- will NOT change. No matter how much you say do not do it, be respectful when you speak, if you retaliate back with equally abusive responses -- such as saying "F***off" as some have suggested -- it will only likely get worse as he ages, looses more control with aging and becomes more bitter.

My mom went from general criticism to outright rage, lashing out at me every time I called or went to see her after being place in a nursing home. This behavior was since my childhood, got much worse as she aged and then it went full on rage when in the nursing home.

I am an only child, and was trying to do the one on one care for her in my house; and just having to enter her room in the morning to check on her would raise my blood pressure to the max as I knew instead of a "Good morning, lovely day" type comments it would be the beginning of another day of direct verbal assault at me: the coffee is cold, the eggs are runny (I had to make an bring her all her meal in her room); my TV shows are not one because of the terrible cable service you have in your house; my room is too hot because you are too cheap to run the air conditioning at the correct temp. (she lived expense free in my home, for years); my cloths are not folded properly, the bathroom is not clean enough, you are a terrible housekeeper (I had to do all her laundry and clean her room, bathroom, etc); stop mumbling I cannot hear you, you always mumble (she refused hearing aides and had 70%+ hearing loss in both ears). It was the same when I was a kid.

I finally choose to go no contact about two years ago. I still am her POA and medical agent, so I interact with the nursing home staff, her physicians, handle the Medicaid paperwork as needed, her taxes, etc. But after a particularly bad outburst, her saying on Mother's Day, "the worst day of her life was having me;" I had enough.

She is getting the care she needs and I am working on healing. You might wanted to consider working with a great therapist to unpack all of this and to work on your own healing. It is worth doing this work and focusing on you, your healing and moving forward as there is no changing them. You can only make changes in yourself; how you react to them/their outbursts of criticism. That might be less contact or no contact. It might be strategies to let it go as best you can if you choose to remain in contact. It might be telling them, no critical comments and they must be respectful if they do not moderate their behavior be prepared to walk away in the moment or tell them they have to leave your home then and there; say no visits for a week, then 2, then 4 (double it) if they do this, speak critically. If he can make any adjustment, you'll know then. If he says you are too sensitive, say that is verbal abuse and you need to leave now, open the door and show him out. Set your boundaries and be ready to enforce them.

Good luck w/this, hugs. This is how he has chosen to handle his frustration with life -- put it on you -- and now you have a choice to make as to what you want, what you will put up with or not and what you can do to heal.

I wish I had someone like me years ago the way I am now. (LOL) I would have scheduled my job interview first and dealt with dad's antics and doctor's appointments later. It sounds like you are going to need an aide to come in and help with dad, and he pays the aide. Home care agency aides can drive the patient to the appointments, shop, help bath, laundry and light housekeeping.

You may want to lessen your duties to your parent because of your job duties. Don't have him calling you at work worrying you with a bunch of nonsense since you will be learning a new job. Your livelihood and your well being will become your first priority since you need to save for your retirement. Don't let someone else's poor retirement planning affect your well being.

As for the criticism, learn the grey rock method. Put as little input into the criticism and practice a technique called deliberate ignoring or learning to detach emotionally from these critical attacks. It is more about him and how he was raised. Don't take this personally.

I sometimes think that this behaviour becomes a habit that is not easily broken. Me, I may say "Dad, your not welcome here if all your going to do is criticize. You find fault with everything I do. Sorry, but I am tired of it. So, if you can't stop then stay home." If he says your too sensitive say "maybe I am, but now I am out of your house, I do not have to put up with it because your my father. I am an adult that can do what I want when and how I want"

You need to stick up for yourself. And please, do not move in with him or him with you. If he needs help because ur working, he pays for it or he goes into an AL if he can afford it. Make it clear you will not be caring for him. Also, make sure u set boundaries concerning work. No calls unless an emergency. I so hope he does not have keys to ur house. If he does, take them away or change the locks. Tell him what ur willing and not willing to do once your working. My one rule would be...no stopping over. He must call because after working all day u may not be in the mood for company. And he should not expect you weekends to be his.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL! 😊

FB, let me back up and explain. You and your dad are starting from different assumptions.

You assume that he is a reasonable person who, asking a favor from someone, realizes that he needs to explain what he needs and why.

Your father's assumption is different. He assumes that you are a servant whose job is to perform as ordered with no questions.

I don't think that's how you want to be viewed.

Do you think there is ANY chance that, if you explained to your dad in a calm moment that the way he treats you is disrespectful and demeaning and that you don't want to be treated like this any longer, that he would listen and try to change?

If yes, then give it a shot.

If not, then going no contact is your best path to mental health.

dear OP,

your question is:
does anyone else deal with parents who often look for things to criticize?

yes.
OP,
there are about 4,875,914,709,173,057,401,298,039,182,038 million daughters, in the past and present, out there in your situation (most people who take care of elderly parents, abusive or not abusive, are women).

your father will never stop.
and you feeling anxious about future criticisms, is totally normal. and that won't stop either, because your father will never stop criticizing.

by the way, please choose a nice partner (husband).
women who were abused, often (unintentionally, unknowingly) choose husbands who are abusive. that's because you don't know what a good, non-abusive person looks and sounds like, and what actors sound like.

there is only 1 way OP, and that is less contact.
i personally don't recommend no contact, but that's up to every person. every abusive case is different.

in order to be able to have the freedom of less contact, you need to hire caregivers. i hope your father has money.

"he said he needed to go the doctor this week. I asked why (because it was not time for him to see his regular doctor). He said he has some questions about some medicine that was changed and I suggested he call them or I could call and he blew up at me."

It seems to me he wants to handle it himself. He is competent. It is healthy for him to handle his own affairs, including doctors appointments.

He said he needs to go to the doctor this week. A possible answer is something like neutral like "Ok," and change the subject so you don't get involved in helping or upsetting him.

You are a nervous wreck according to your own account. It is better then to back off and let him do as much as he can for himself.

I know it is very hard when a parent is so critical and always had been. My only solution was to back away and let mother get home help which minimized the contact I had with her.

You might want to look up enmeshed and codependency. Melody Beattie is a good author re codependency.

When we grow up in a dysfunctional home we often become enmeshed with our parent(s) and develop codependency. This can be unlearned and new healthier ways learned. I wish you all the best in getting a job and a healthier relationship with your father and a less anxious stressed life.