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Family dynamics are extremely difficult to change. I think you are doing the right thing by limiting your involvement. Maybe you and your husband could discuss the issue with a therapist to see if there is anything more you could be doing for your own family. I don't think you are going to successfully fix your MIL.
The one thing I wanted to add is small but important.
You're an outsider, to some degree. So it's so much easier to see her for what she is. That being said, it's probably best to keep your assessments to yourself ,when it doesn't directly impact your family.
Hubby may come to resent you, even if he agrees with you because, after all, she is his Mom.
I know for me, when I saw exactly what my brother was doing, I was the first to call it out. When my husband would start putting his two cents in, after the first three minutes I'd get pissed. I felt offended! How dare he raddle his face off about my baby brother who has a problem! He doesn't know how awesome my brother is underneath this issue!
Recognition is fine, but don't go overboard. It will backfire. He has plenty of loving, gratuitous, and special feelings towards his Mom from childhood. Even abused kids protect their parents.
Just tread lightly, you don't need hubby to develop resentments toward you. He may not even tell you he's carrying them.
Just continue to keep your distance. Come here to vent, rant and complain all you want, we're here for you!
I like "personality disorder". My MIL lied to get out of something she didn't want to do or get out of something she did do. She could be nasty when she didn't get her way. She took on other peoples illnesses as her own. To the point she told my BIL she had breast cancer to get him home for Christmas. Her sister told us she was like this as a child. Her being like this was hard on the DILs. Never knew if she was telling the truth. Its a mental sickness. Keeping your distance is a good thing. My MIL moved to Fla 2 days ride from us. TG she chose to stay there aft FIL died. Visits were nice but a week was enough.
To a lesser degree, I have a similar situation. My dad passed at 53; my mother was the same age and my sister (middle child; I'm the baby) stepped in to assuage her own guilt - over what, I don't know. But sister did everything for and with Mom. I warned her to stop, step back, because Mom would come to rely on her and years down the road, sister would be burned out. Well, guess where we are now? Mom is 84 now and has Alz. My sister is still her go-to and now, sister can't step back...much. She and I have our own dynamic - she's mad I didn't step in earlier to do "my share," and I'm angry with her that she was co-dependent. We've both fessed up on our issues and are about as united as possible in dealing with Mom going forward, so we're lucky there.
How very sad that your MIL isn't even Social Security age yet. Set your boundaries and stick to them, but be prepared to be cut out of the will. She could be a vindictive person and make a show of pitting her children against one another. Turn the other cheek. Good luck.
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