Doc wants to medicate ME!

Don’t completely rule out your doctor’s recommendation. Some types of antidepressants are used to treat non psychological conditions. I was prescribed an older type of antidepressant for a chronic dry cough. The drug works by affecting neurotransmitters and break the cycle of the cough. I took it; weened off in a short time. It worked. In the past, I was prescribed an antidepressant for chronic migraine. Because the drug works on serotonin levels, it was suppose to have an effect on the migraine cycle. It didn’t work for me.

I have been in your shoes as a wife of a domineering man. I understand when he wont let you read or not focus on him. Know that he has issues and is wrong and you are justified to be upset.
I agree with others- get the physical throat checked out.
As a teen i had a dr who tried to medicate "my feelings" when i had stress with an abusive mother. - i hear that is a big issue for women. Change doctors if possible, see a nurse practitioner instead ,call around for support service's suggestions.
He demeans and belittles you for staying out to late at grocery- Has he hit you ? If it is verbal abuse only , i found that after 32 years i told him firmly- I am sick of the disrespect. A head of the house is not a master of a slave. I will provide meals and laundry but i will take 3 hours a day for myself. Say it firmly. Be a broken record and just say that over and over ,dont try to justify it.
Get back to that Bible study- you need the support and prayers.
(my spouse had a ogre dad and a "do it all for him" wife so he thought that was the way it should be- how was your husband raised to act this way?)
Prays for you. Know that you have been a gem to care for a unappreciative man.

I am sorry to hear of your distress. I, too, really hate taking any medications unless it is absolutely necessary. That being said, when faced with certain issues, I do take the necessary medications to solve the problem. In this case, however, it would seem that the situation is long term and beginning a long term commitment to an anti-anxiety drug is something that I would also tend to reject.

I do think, though, that the real issue in your marriage has been a long time in the making. Have you always been subservient to your controlling husband? It would be very difficult for both of you to change that pattern, even if you were both trying to change. Clearly he is not. If your husband has dementia he will not get better. You need to accept the fact that if you are going to continue to care for him you need to become the head of household. You also need to begin taking care of yourself. That is a tall order. You are right that you do need some support in making such big changes.

You mention that your son is now living with you. What is his role in the household? Can you make him your ally in caring for his father? Perhaps he could spend a few hours with his father while you read and have a cup of tea or some other relaxing ritual. Given that he is living in your house it is reasonable to expect him to help out.

At any rate, there are a lot of changes in the relationship with your husband that will have to happen in the next few years. If he has always been in control and you have always let him control you, this will be a rough experience. I would suggest that you begin with just 1 thing that you feel safe to claim as your right and take a stand on it. Keep it small, but make it yours and stick to your guns. If you do not, you will be overwhelmed and the situation will literally drive you crazy. Again, if you can get your son to back you on this, it will help. However, you are the one who is ultimately responsible for yourself. You may want to refuse to answer his demands that you account for every minute of your time. You do not owe him an explanation of why you spent 2 hours shopping for groceries instead of the usual 90 minutes. Simply tell him that "things took longer." Refuse to go beyond that. You also do not owe him an explanation for going into another room, beyond "I had things to do."

The best vitamin is get out and away more,

Not reading other answers first...but here's my 4 cents: Guess what: YOU are the one in charge and don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Now there's a possibility I suppose that your MD may know more than the rest of us and MAYBE her suggestion makes sense. BUT maybe not. IMO meds are not going to help change your circumstances and clearly it's going to add to your burden if you are opposed. So you need to find some other options to deal with the stress which may include some respite time to look forward to by getting some help in house to relieve you.

Are you taking any other meds for ANYthing? Some have that side effect of making someone cough/clear their throat. It could be just a stress related habit. It sounds like your MD MAY be too quick to pass you off and is looking for a quick fix. Maybe what you need is to look for a new MD for yourself.

There's also something here that smells: on the one hand she's saying it is a psychological/stress issue and prescribing a drug going down that path...and then she gives you this threat that if you refuse, you get a referral going along the lines that it is physically based. So many of our health systems these days are trolling for business....you have to wonder...and be an advocate for yourself.

And if you stay put...even if you do opt to go to an ENT YOU can say NO to testing and just go for a consult/look and find out what your options are, if YOU want to pursue them.

Good luck with whatever you decide...

Honestly, I'd see the ENT then look for another GP for yourself. Prescribing meds right off the bat isn't the sign of an engaged phys. Stress can manifest itself in a myriad of ways, so an ENT's diagnosis would be the most telling if it is indeed stress or some sort of infection. You also need to take your husband to see his GP about his behavior. He's becoming compulsive and is a major source of stress. He might need some meds to help calm him down. His actions might be a sign of his internal stress and the inability to cope with them.

Seems rather odd that any doctor would want to prescribe medication prior to finding out what the actual issue might be. In other words, if they thought you might have and issue an ENT would be better able to care for, a good doctor would try to have that ruled out before even trying to give you the med you've indicated.
In any event, what is wrong with simply seeing an ENT? Who's to say that he/she wants to do an invasive procedure? Not all of them are, you know. Some simply involve you drinking something and then having a scan. Why not find out if you have a medical issue. If they decide to do something invasive and it bothers you that much, you can then refuse, but you could at least hear what they have to say. And, as some of the others have said, you are free to decline anything the doc suggests--she can not force you and shouldn't use threats either, but yes, they will put it on record that you refused their advice--and they will use the word refused. Not sure if they do this to cover themselves if you do fall ill, or to help the insurance companies turn down payment of future procedures required for anything that might develop because you didn't follow the advice given. You may want to ask yourself which is worse..taking a med that you may not need, or having procedures performed that for some reason you'd rather avoid. Perhaps you knew someone who had a procedure and did not fare well??? Maybe there is some deep rooted reason for not wanting that type of assistance that you need to sort out??? You might want to discuss that with someone as well. I haven't read the profile but there seem to be personality clashes going on between you and hubby that counseling might help with (but from what I did read, looks like he doesn't want to go that route). Hope things work out for you.

I suggest you go with your gut instincts. I always do. You can also get a second opinion. I've had several procedures and even surgery suggested over the years which I felt were a waste of time and as it turned out I was right.

The doctor can not make you take an anti depressant. If you feel your doctor is not listening to you or will not work with you on better solutions to your situation, then find another doctor.

Good luck.

Get a copy of the United Nations Declaration of Rights and Freedoms of the Individual Citizen and The United Nations Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights.

Get a copy of the Public Servants Questionnaire.

Take a camera with you ( you have a right to a witness ) and have him explain to you why he has a right to violate your rights under international law. If he refuses then inform him he will be up on charges of violating your international rights and a lawsuit.

I am not advising you to do this but it is what I do when encountering dictatorial government public servants ( those working for the government ) and they quickly want to get as far away from me as they can get while leaving me alone when they foolishly attempt to try to abuse my rights under international law.

Lol. Poor you Grammie! That would certainly send me round the bend. Is he aware that he does it? If he denies can you do an audio recording and prove it? On the other hand if he can’t help it that doesn’t solve the problem, like complaining about someone snoring. It sounds like it might be habitual for him. Stress can certainly make you hoarse. Vocal cords use muscles. If you’re tense they can be too. It’s a common problem. And I would certainly be tense. Clearing your throat a lot may be your subconscious reaction to something that annoys the crap out you. And that will irritate your throat too, but I would have thought it wouldn’t improve when you’re out of the house if that’s the case. Same with other factors like reflux, post nasal drip etc that can irritate the throat. So if it clears whenever you are out of the house...more likely to be tension.
Anti anxiety meds are not appropriate for plain old stress and tension. There are other ways to deal with it that don’t involve medication. If you are interested in finding out about your anxiety levels check out this questionnaire. https://patient.info/doctor/generalised-anxiety-disorder-assessment-gad-7. It is routinely used in the UK to assess levels of anxiety and the answer sometimes surprises people.
If it is tension but not anxiety then Speech and Language support might be helpful. You might mention that to the ENT if you go see them or research it on your own. Having a nasendoscopy should not be all that bad. Unpleasant but then you’ve had smears! Your husband must have had one that was pretty awful to make you so worried. You can ask for some light sedation for it to relax you.
Also something like cognitive behavioural therapy would be useful to help you find ways of dealing with living with someone like your hubby who is controlling and annoying.
Also I wonder about walking. It sounds like you might live in a nice place to walk and it’s a wonderful way to get exercise and stress relief. It would help get you more fit and may help with the weight loss as well.
Good luck!

I'm a bit confused by your thinking.

It's "just" stress, which you don't see the need to treat, and yet you are certain in your own mind that this "nothing" problem is causing your hoarseness.

So if stress can do that to your voice, what's it doing to your heart, respiration, brain, blood pressure, digestion..?

I happen to agree with you about not taking drugs you don't agree you need. But how about considering other ways to relieve the stress, sure as you are that it is now causing physical symptoms?

Bear in mind that although your doctor is happy to investigate, to advise, and to make recommendations, it is you who makes the decisions. Informed consent is the basis of all medical practice. So do not allow yourself to be deterred from seeking either this doctor's or the specialists' expertise by fear of being forced into treatment you don't fancy. It is *always* worth finding out what's going on.

I agree with you. Just don't take this anxiety medication. Lots of people clear their throat regularly...like 3 times a minute (rather than per day, like you)...at high rates it can be annoying to other people - as are lots of things; I know it is to me, and perhaps also to your husband...but it is within the wide range of normal health for humans. I wouldn't even see a doctor, and certainly would question a prescription for it. As far as the ENT referral, I wouldn't do that either.

If you are taking a blood pressure medicine, check it for side effects. One of them causes throat clearing or a small cough throughout the day. I don't remember the name of it, but it is a common side effect.

You could also have allergies now that you didn't have when younger. Try an over the counter allergy med (keep in mind that the ingredients in benedryl can cause drowsiness) if you are not ready to see an ENT yet. If that doesn't work, then why not go see the ENT to figure out what the problem is.

I would definitely figure out the source of the throat clearing before sedating myself with antianxiety meds. Of course, you might also think back on your conversation with the doctor. Perhaps you were sharing info that indicated an anxiety or stress, thus the offer for antianxiety drugs

Wow ... Yep I had a friend that anytime she was stressed she got hoarse so yep. Your husband sucking on his teeth will never go away you have to learn to ignore it focus on yourself or on something else. You both have a lil condition one more annoying than the other depending on who you talk to...chil

Your supplimental insurance gives you access to a psychologist that will help you deal with your concerns

Once again, my verbiage exceeds the limits, so this will be 2 part:

Too many doctors today think a pill will cure what ails us. I think the general public had a hand in this, but it doesn't have to continue! Certainly there are medications that might be necessary or might help, but if there is an alternative that doesn't require taking medication, I'm all for it. As someone else said, having this doc suggest anxiety meds, but then going on to referral to ENT when the medication was refused seems a bit odd. Personally I think having a doc explore reasons WHY one might have symptoms would be first, and then if no resolution, perhaps chalk it up to stress. Even if it IS stress, one should make every attempt to eliminate the stress rather than "medicate" it away! I've had docs suggest meds (cholesterol - resolved that w/out meds, osteoporosis meds, nope, never!) As long as I can avoid medications, I will! If there's no alternative and it might be life-threatening, then I will consider it.

I haven't been able to dig up the previous discussions mentioned regarding your mother and husband and your profile doesn't list anything. From reading the comments, I can only guess - husband has dementia, but denies? How far along is this? What is the Dx and prognosis?

The rest of your replies sounds more like you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional and verbal. The worst part about that is no one else sees the bruises, so they don't understand. My ex wasn't as bad, but was drifting into that (we weren't old, no dementia involved, had young kids and it likely would have gotten worse had we stayed together.) He went to family counselor, but clearly his goal was to peg ME as the problem and seek custody of the kids, his way to control and hurt me. I didn't really want to go, but had an inkling what his motives were. After only 1/2 hr with me, then a session with both of us, where the counselor reiterated his complaints and my responses, it resulted in a lot of "well, yeah, she's right" from the ex. At the end, the counselor looked at him and stated that when he came in, I was painted as being the problem, but in his opinion, HE was the problem and HE was guilty of verbal abuse and neglect! Eye-opening for ME! All while the kids were growing up, he tried his best to intimidate me and make trouble. I was able to stand up to him, partly thanks to that counselor.

Another oddity is many times during a checkup, I would be asked if I felt threatened or under duress from anyone. I was living alone (with kids and after), so no, there was no issue there (other than the crap he would try, to no avail.) Given your situation, I am surprised this doc hasn't addressed your issues. Perhaps they haven't come up? Perhaps you need to enlighten her? Your doc AND his should be able to suggest ways to help both of you, but mainly to support YOU.

The focus shouldn't be on medication for you or exams by other doctors. While there could be a physical reason for it, it can just be a psychological reaction to him and his abuse. You shouldn't have to take ANY pill to deal with that! Perhaps you can document what you do each day, and note when your throat clearing happens. It just might be a subconscious reaction to his crap. Note also when it doesn't happen. You are aware, but document it! Seriously, throat clearing a few times a day isn't likely anything serious, esp when it seems better when he isn't around! It also sounds like it just annoys him, so he's directing you to get help. Sounds like the "cure" for this would be to stay away from the source, aka him.

Part 2:

From your comments:

"There are no others. And he denies the dementia and likes to stay, "I may be sick but I am still head of this household and you will do what I say.""

NO ONE should have to take this kind of crap. NO ONE has the right to tell you what you will or won't do, period. Just because HE states he is head of household doesn't mean it is true, and it doesn't mean anything really. That's more of a Master/Slave relationship.

"I thought as a submissive wife I had to subject myself to that. I now know differently."

A step in the right direction. You do NOT have to subject yourself to this garbage. You DON'T have to AND shouldn't subject yourself to any of his crap.

"Yes, I do need to take a stand for myself but I want to know I have the support of others to back me up. Right now I do not have that."

Again, a step in the right direction, except you DO have our support! Granted we are online, you can't meet with us or have us over to set him straight, but we have your back! As noted in my other comment, been there (not as bad, but still...), done that. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse is insidious. At some point you begin to believe what the other person says - you need to stand strong and break that cycle!

"Time away from my husband is impossible. Yes, I have to be in his presence constantly. I pay the price with verbal and emotional manipulation if I'm even gone longer than he thinks necessary for grocery shopping."

Why is time away impossible? Because he says so? You do what YOU want to do. If you are "late" returning from whatever, too bad. If he starts with verbal and emotional abuse, walk away. Go out again and return when YOU want to return. If he can go off golfing, he doesn't need your attention, care and personal presence 24/7. He may demand it, but he doesn't need it and shouldn't get it! Your son walks away when he starts, you should follow suit!

Is there a reason why you stay? Financial issues? No where to go? If there is no way to move him or you, then about all you can do is get away from this controlling situation whenever you can. Stand up to his crap. Sometimes bullies will continue to bully because they get away with it. Take a book and sit down in front of him to read it. He starts about that, put him in his place. If he verbally or physically tries to stop you, take your book and leave. Read to your heart's content! You shouldn't have to hide in another room to do anything. Get out whenever you WANT to get out. Stay away however long YOU want. His "need" to have you there sounds only like control, not an actual need.

If possible, restart that counseling - it may save your life! You need the support they can give you and perhaps advise for how to break this cycle. If you don't, it won't get better on it's own. Also, as dementia progresses, his behavior can get worse. That verbal abuse can drift into physical abuse. If he ever threatens you, get out and call 911. Husband or not, he is breaking the law and you need protection!

Just went back to read a few of the older posts...I don't know how the people found some of the add'l info about you graygrammie because when I clicked on your name and looked at your profile I found nothing more. Some of the earlier posts do say that you're not "allowed" to read things. Please explain? How are you not allowed? What happens if you pull out a magazine and start reading it? Is violence involved and if not, are you afraid he will get violent? If neither, then why not just read when you feel like it? You're already doing something he doesn't like (throat clearing) and you're not stopping because you can't.

Is he aware of his bad habit? That's a lot of teeth sucking. Have you ever recorded him doing it and showed it to him? Some posts seemed to mention that he had dementia but I couldn't find where they got that information-if that's true, then informing him of his habit probably will not help.

I did read that you say you'll probably see an ENT. One good thing about that will be that you'll be out of the house and away from the annoyance while you're there. And, whatever it is that you do when you speak of not being at home, is it possible for you to do more of those things? It seems like you feel as though you're better off while you're away, and you are free to speak with others then. Do you feel comfortable mentioning any of this to them?

I know I clear my throat a lot, but I have GERD, post nasal drip and thyroid issues so I'm aware that it can be bothersome to others - yours doesn't sound that bad though so you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

Stay away from drugs you do NOT need! Sleeping pills and Anxiety pills cause more problems than they help! Their are natural alternatives I would recommend before that. But your symptoms sound like it is not even related to stress! I would try something to help sooth your throat. It could be as simple as taking something like honey perhaps mixed with lemon juice.

Hopefully, I’m not stepping on toes, I confess to not reading all of the replies. I wanted to mention something:

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, 20 years ago, HIS doctor sent Paxil home for me, because he said I would need it. It’s the mildest anti-depressant, I think. I didn’t even know I was on it, no side effects, just a little better.

Lexapro is an antidepressant that also helps with generalized anxiety. I understand the desire to avoid medication but if you are chronically depressed, initiating any of the actions stated here may be too much for you. The doc may just be right. Especially if he knows you well. All the advice here is good but reflects the writers’ biases about medication.

It's very common to take an anti depressants when you are categorizing for someone who causes stress. It has been very helpful to me. You don't notice any difference, but your body does. Things don't get to you as easily. You can let things go. Drink LOTS of water to help your vocal cords.

You have the right to refuse, stand your ground and see what you can do about it naturally/organically. Research online. You can do it!

Graygrammie, I was going through a very stressful time dealing with a friend’s trust/estate. SERIOUS stress. I started clearing my throat a lot without realizing it and ended up with a feeling of a lump in my throat 24/7. It was that feeling you get when you have swallowed a pill that feels “stuck.” Anyway, after a lot of tests I ended up at an ENT’s office. I was diagnosed with Laryngopharyngeal Reflux (Silent Reflux) in one minute after he put a scope up my nose. (Not pleasant but not terrible.) He said it likely was caused by the stress. It was fixed by following the GERD diet and taking a prescription dose Omeprozole – and by settling the trust. Just my experience.

Dear OP, what do you do when DH goes out to play golf? Leave your phone at home by mistake, go out and spend as much time as you like shopping, in the library, or seeing a counselor. If you don’t have your own car, get a taxi.

Think twice before going back to the Bible study group. The line about “I am still head of this household and you will do what I say" comes from St Paul and various other bits of the Bible, and is not what Jesus ever said. Your husband’s comments may mean that he has latched on to some texts that suit controlling men, and are not the way that Jesus ever thought. Perhaps find a different Bible study group that won’t reinforce submission as the duty of a good wife.

Learning to stand up to your husband may not go down too well, but in your circumstances it probably won’t result in divorce (and divorce is not nice to go through, believe me). Husband has too much to lose.

Find someone to talk to who will come from a different perspective from your doctor. It’s true that this is a very stressful situation now, and may get more stressful. A mild tranquiliser might help, in my own experience, and doesn’t have to continue if you decide to stop. Don’t take it if you don’t want to, but don’t be ideologically opposed to it. You need all the help you can get!

Clearing your throat a few times a day, and not if you are out of the house, doesn’t sound like an urgent medical issue. However it might make it easier to move to a different GP. This one sounds like he still follows 19th century Freud – women are hysterical, nervous & unbalanced, and probably messed up sexually.

Thank you for coming to the Forum. It’s a great first step. Now work out the second step! Yours, Margaret

"Lots to answer there!

Dh will glare and make disapproving sounds when I read in his presence. I can play games on my tablet but not read a magazine or book. (And yes, I have the kindle app on my tablet and do sneak read books there!) No physical violence has ever happened.

He is more than aware of his bad habit. He gets very defensive if I mention it. "You don't know what it is like to be me."

And yes, in 2017 after a seizure that put him in the hospital, I refused to bring him home until there was a psych eval. My dd (lives eight hours away) was there and supported me in this. Before the psych eval, a doctor came in with the results on his MRI. He pointed out an area of old injury, possibly even back to his high school football days in the 70s, and said that it was evidence of frontotemporal disorder, then told me that was another word for dementia. It was kind of like a light bulb going off for me because it explained why his behavior had become so awful since 2013. Then the psychiatrist came in and, among other things, administered the MMSE. He got just about every answer wrong. The psychiatrist diagnosed mild cognitive disorder, then told me "that's another word for dementia." Light bulb just got brighter. He was referred to a neurologist who did another MMSE and decided to back off on the mild cognitive disorder diagnosis based on what she saw in the office visit as he interacted with her. (But he still failed that MMSE as well, just not as spectacularly this time.) And she, (nor any other doctor) has ever addressed the FTD in spite of me bringing it up privately and asking for it to be discussed. I'm glad my dd was there that day and heard both doctors give their dementia diagnosis. My own doctor gave me a book for understanding dementia and signs to look for as it progresses. That little book has been so on target for what I see in him.

I used to have a ladies Bible study group I went to, even began developing some relationships there -- going out to lunch once a month. And I used to get together with former co-workers -- again lunch once a month. But of course all that stopped in March. And I used to get together with my other dd once a month for a walk in a state park but she moved ten hours away last summer. The only thing I do now is babysit grandkids (those two boys were a terror yesterday!) occasionally or grocery shop.

As far as seeing the ENT, I am probably going to tell him that the office doesn't allow him to accompany me, otherwise he is going to insist on coming along."

So he glares. Big deal. Is the approval of someone with brain damage so important? (That sounds harsh to me; but it is the truth)

Then don’t take it! You are in charge of your body. However, you should consider seeing an ENT because it could be as simple as post nasal drip and a spray can clear that up. Unfortunately, I know of 3 people who died of cancer of the esophagus so I see no harm in getting the exam even if you don’t want to take medicine. Lexipro is a safe SSRI medication BUT nobody can make you take anything if you don’t want to do so.

Rather than question the doctor's recommendations, I would ask myself , "Why am I staying in this abusive marriage?".

Before calling an ENT, I would call a divorce lawyer.

Grammie, I have read some of your answers to others on the posts who questioned you more deeply on the situation. It sounds really as though this isn't about you or about a doctor's recommendation, but about a very troubled marriage. I do believe I would skip the medications AND the ENT and see a good psychologist to work out why you are staying in a marriage like this that makes you seem not only controlled by someone, but quite afraid of that person. I wish you the utmost best luck. This all sounds really very miserable. I think you need to understand that whatever decisions you make they are not about your husband or your doctors, but about your own choices going forward for how you wish to live. I know none of this is easy. It is a day at a time, a step at a time, but it can be done.

Imho, do not ingest any medication that you do not believe that you need.