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Absolutely do not uproot your family for your mother's sake unless you want to do it anyway. If you have pictures around from that time, pull those out and look at them with your mom. That's what she's looking for, not the Texas of today.
You also feed those who get riled up accusing us of treating our older LOs like children. Yes, we often have to be the decision makers now and keep them from harm, but it is NOT the same and they are NOT children.
With dementia (sometimes even without), there is often that wistful desire to return "home" to a simpler time in life. The bigger problems, as others noted, is that idyllic place longed for is likely unrecognizable after 35 years and even if it was unchanged, the memories might not match the reality.
She's entitled to express her wishes... very often even adults don't get their wishes, do they?
I appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. It is very hard to try to care for her and balance my own life.
You have definitely giving me something to think about.
Before making any serious moves, I would investigate whether Medicaid in either state will pay for Assisted Living or memory care.
If you co-mingle funds and buy a home together, don't do so without consulting an eldercare attorney about the ramifications. NOT a real estate attorney, an eldercare attorney who is knowledgable about Medicaid.
I like the idea of decorating her room with a Texas theme
Great Idea
The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. You uprooting your life to relocate in TX is most likely not going to satisfy her once she gets there, because the desire is based on some romanticized notion about her hometown that doesn't exist anymore. Caregiving is very challenging and you need all the security and support you can get, and this means staying put so that you are surrounded by family, neighbors, friends, church, etc. The sad fact is that eventually your mom may not even remember that she ever lived in TX, it she could lose this memory sooner than later. Moving won't be beneficial or therapeutic for her and but it will be very unhelpful to you. Please do not feel guilty over this. Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you must pick your battles and reserve your energies for the long haul. Please read other posts on this forum by loving adult children who are burning out trying to "please" or accommodate their LOs' dementia-drive desires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart that it is ok to make yourself a priority so you can do right by your mom in the long term.
Thanks for your post.
I have family, friends, and neighbors in Arizona (where we live) that help out A LOT.
Honestly I hadn't considered that until I read your post.
While I wouldn't mind moving back to Texas it might be something to consider when it is just my sister and I.
I know I have to consider my mother's feelings and desires but I keep forgetting I need to take care of me so I can take care of her.
Thanks for the reminder.
What if you get to Texas and she says she wants to go back to the last place she lived?
I think it is unwise to plan your life around the sometimes fleeting desires of dementia patients, especially since you can't know if she will acclimate.
I know we are going to have to move next year as the lease on our apartment is up and we were considering a house.
But you have a very valid point on planning my life around her fleeting desires.
I need to consider MY desires in the equation.
Thanks for your help
I appreciate the advice
I would not uproot the family - especially if you are happy where you are. And uprooting mom could do more harm than good. With dementia routine is best. When mom tells you she's homesick, ask what she is homesick for and see if she can't tell you stories of what she remembers - maybe share what you remember. Try and divert her to another subject.
Your mother is no longer able to make rational decisions and as her caregiver it is up to you to make those rational decisions with her best interest in mind. Your job is to keep her safe.
As her dementia devolves, she will be moving more permanently into her alternate universe that her broken brain creates and will rarely have a relationship to "our universe." Sometimes you will need to visit her reality to calm her agitation.
Make sure you also take good care of yourself. Make sure you get some "me" time - even if you have to hire caregivers (that mom pays for) to come in a relieve you a few hours a week. And go in search of humor - you will need that - a good laugh can lighten the burdens off your shoulders for a few minutes.
Best wishes.
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