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I guess there is solace to know we are not alone.
Often as we age we lose all the positive connections in life - friends, independence, physical health, meaningful activities, etc etc etc so it becomes harder to make any kind of conversation that isn't focused inwardly and in a negative way. But just because she is wallowing in in doesn't mean you have to wallow too, come right out and say that you'd rather talk about something more positive, if she can't/won't then get up and leave the room.
Some people were always angry. It’s almost like they were born with a genetic disposition to be angry.
I’ve known people like this and I avoid them like the plague. They will never own anything and always blame others for their misery and they will continue to try to suck people into their trap.
They are energy vampires. They will drain every ounce of energy that you have if you allow it. Some are conscious of their behavior and others are most likely mentally ill and believe their own crap.
I have found that most people who were happy when they were younger remain pleasant and those who are mean were always mean and miserable to be around.
I don’t bother with trying to please them. It’s a complete waste of time. I don’t try to change them. They are who they are. Why should I wreck my head against their brick wall?
It’s extremely liberating to let go of toxic people.
Mom has managed money very poorly and has waited until age 82 and poor health to decide she's probably not going to be able to stay in her house - sure would have been nice if this has anticipated a few years ago although I realize that isn't always possible. The expectation seems to be that I'm going to play a major role in decluttering her semi-hoarded home and help her move to a smaller place closer to me, then be available at her beck and call.... we'll have to see about that.
(Truth is I'm actually really mad about it. Mom got an advanced degree which she only used to work for 10 years, then she retired at 55 and has done volunteer work for the past 20+ years, with apparently no thought at all about saving for retirement. I have a BPD brother for whom she paid bills for a decade after he became an adult - maybe she should call HIM for help?)
The aunt who never seems to think about anyone but herself, very nearly, smoked cigarettes without a care in the world for 40 years. I do care that she now has COPD, asthma and a host of other problems but it's hard to have the world's deepest well of patience when at least some of it could have been prevented. I don't feel like I can say much when there's nothing she can do about it now but privately I'm thinking that often.
It helps to know we're all dealing with this. Hope I'm not this black hole of self absorption when I'm an octagenarian tho I do see how it happens with bad health, limited means of income and nothing much else to think about.
I have had to move home since my 91 yr old dad passed last year & I also lost my job due to COVID.
Care to share your most extreme fantasy? Hahaha
Their motto is I am going to do what I want to do an do not care who I hurt to get what I want.
As they age their bodies break down and there is a constant battle between the mind saying I am going to do what I want and the body saying you are going to suffer if you do. I have seen many, my mother being the worse, who know if they do something they will suffer. Being stupid and stubborn (the two go hand in hand) they refuse to learn their lesson (oh that happened the last ninety nine times it will not happen this time ) and proceed to abuse their body. The bodies reaction is swift and brutal. It is true fools never learn.
These folks are also users and abusers. As they age their availability of victims dwindles and they resent it. I have seen it too often. Most folks do not give in to their manipulation and when they cannot get their own way proceed to through temper tantrums like spoiled children.
There are laws to protect against elder abuse. I wish there were laws to prevent live in care giver abuse.
Anyway, I hear you. I'm lucky b/c my mother lives in a Memory Care ALF b/c there is NO WAY on EARTH I'd have her and her baggage come live with me. Period. Growing up in her home was more than enough. Way more.
You might want to start looking around at Independent Living places for seniors and get your mother set up in an apartment over there. Then she can join all the others who love to complain non-stop 24/7 about their horrible lots in life. Misery loves company; your mother doesn't have enough company so you're her only scratching post.
Good luck!
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