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What I have learned by God's grace through journeying through this dark night filled with sparks of laughter & explosions of love and despair as I dance this last dance with my precious mummy & friend & child of God is worth all the suffering. It will all be done. The funeral would be meaningless. I will dance with her again and rejoice that she is dancing already with God.
According to her wishes, my mother is buried in a Jewish cemetery in New York, along with her parents and my first husband, who died at 35. My second husband, who said, "I don't want my children to have to visit my grave," got his wish to have his ashes tossed in the Gulf of Mexico from a beach in Florida, where we lived. My son and stepdaughters took part in our ceremony, while gulls stood watch. Three weeks after I met my perfectly healthy 73 year old third husband, he expressed a wish for his ashes to be buried in Florida National Cemetery in Bushnell, Florida. I carried out his wishes. When my time comes, my ashes will be buried in the same plot. Our headstone may be the only one that will have a cross on one side (his) and a Star of David (mine) on the other.
Eddie posted earlier, and his message is what prompted me to write today.
My mom and I had the same kind of relationship as they did. We knew she was very sick and would die soon; and we could talk about everything and usually find humor in it. I knew how curious she was about everything, and I was quite pleased with my plans for her funeral. I casually mentioned some time in May that I had learned from how she pre-planned my dad's arrangements, and that I had done the same for her. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it, we could; but, if not, I would never bring it up again. Eventually, as I knew she would, she started asking a few questions, and I told her about the songs, etc. She had already asked her pastor and nephew to speak. When I told her which pictures would be on display, she said, "Oh, no, Sharon!" She said it laughingly, though. I saved the best til last, the picture with the pout and the curl. She knew I had always loved it. She said something to the effect that I wouldn't put that picture out for all to see, would I? I said yep, it was going to be there; and, we both began to laugh. She then told me how well she though I had done and how proud she was of me...except that one picture, which started more laughter and false pleading for me not to display it! That was less than a month before she passed away. Since we had been so comfortable talking about everything, it was as if the actual funeral were not real. Mom and I had the celebration of her life together the day that we laughed and talked about it. I was serene during the ceremony as I looked up and imagined her looking down on the gathering and chiding me for displaying that picture.
I decided to keep the funeral congenial for the people who attended, but I wanted it to be between mom and me, too. So, after the ceremony, a line of guests formed; and, as they passed, I thanked them for coming, etc. I cried with some and laughed with some. It was a pleasant time.
I didn't want anyone at the graveside with me; so, when they gave me the signal, I excused myself and went out the back. I didn't know my husband was going with me, but he got in the other side of the car. We followed the hearse to the graveside and watched until the end. By the time we returned to where the ceremony took place at the front of the cemetery, everyone had gone. One lady had stayed to put the flowers in the car for us. Then, my husband and I went to one of the oldest sports bars in town and had greasy, double cheeseburgers before we returned home. If the day of one's mother's funeral can be called well done, mom's was.
My main message is that the greatest gift anyone can give your loved ones is to tell them what you want before the time comes. Try not to be morbid about it; think of it as a part of life, which it is. My mom gave me such a comfort and sweet, sweet memories by being open with me about everything in life and death. My dad did the same for mom and me.
The month after mom's funeral, I arranged and paid for my cremation. By the time my time comes, there won't be that many people around for a funeral. I want every day of my life to be a celebration of life and a happy memory for the ones who are left. I have considered, depending on where and what my circumstances are, arranging a party for my friends.
I hope something I have said has helped someone with the decisions being discussed on this thread. As other things that come our way in life, we can't control them; but, we can cope with them in individual and positive ways.
However while planning her funeral, I realized that what I wanted for my own was entirely different. As a result I have planned my own and pre-paid it with a very reputable company locally. It will be simple per my request, with only my children and grandchildren permitted to view my earthly body. Afterwards there will be a quiet memorial service for anyone who chooses to attend. I will be cremated and my ashes distributed to each of my 5 children in a container of their choosing. The rest of my cremains can be flushed down the drain for all I care. (I horrified my youngest daughter when I said this.) I feel that this way there will be no in-fighting over what to "do" with me and no unexpected expenses to my children.
I did this because I personally do not like all the hoopla but want something quiet and dignified for the people who love me while I'm alive.
All that said I think it is entirely up to the individual as to what they think is appropriate for their loved one. If the deceased wishes are granted then that is what matters most. If no wishes are known then do as your heart directs. At the end of the day you are the one to decide what is right in your particular situation.
Mother and daddy had their funerals 'pre-planned' and 'pre-paid'. When daddy died, mother did not have to deal with much planning at all. I saw how much the pre-plan helped. Daddy's funeral was lovely and as his life touched so many others--and we have huge families, it was appropriate and good we had a service.
One thing that can be pretty awful--no planning, no discussion of what is wanted --my FIL died, not unexpectedly, and his 3 kids just fell to pieces. It took them 18 hours to simply choose a casket and flowers. They were all guilt ridden--and he had the funeral to prove it. A casket that cost almost $25K!! And the headstone they picked! Almost embarrassing in it's size. They had no idea what dad wanted, so it became a very stressful time, when I compare it to the peaceful and loving service my dad had.
Personally, I am donating my body to the local University Medical School. At some point, cremains will be sent to my executor. They'll be tossed over my husbands' grave. Luckily, my kids are finally all OK with this.
If families are estranged, or uninterested, no funeral is fine. People who want to pay their respects can still send cards or call.
I have considered this and though mother withdrew from her church last year and stated that she did not want a service there, she did not offer an alternative. I know she wants to be cremated and the remains buried back home (across the country) next to my father, but a service there would be pointless as no one would remember our family. I think for the family and any friends that remain, a service here at a nice funeral home is the answer. I would use the one that we used for my son which has a lovely treed setting in the edge of the city.
My best prayers for the next week and all you have to do. Please come back and let us know how you are. ((((((hugs)))))
My own sweet Mama passed away Dec 18, just her and me here...I was holding her hand and telling her I was there, when she just very peacefully left this earth....For a few seconds I just sat here because she went so peacefully it was almost surreal that all of the past four years of so much sadness, hurt, lonliness, etc. just all of a sudden ended.
I did decide, like you, to have a funeral service...and I have to be totally honest now that I am so glad I did. While there were the standard far folks who came by with all the concolences when I never laid eyes on them during the four years when Mama would have loved to have seen them...I think the biggest thing is I was able to do this for Mama, and it also helped me and my brother let go a little as well.
I even did Mama's makeup and hair because I wanted her to look like Mama..not overly made up, hair styled wrong, etc...I have to say her going home celebration was perfect in every aspect of the word and it was a great comfort to me and to all those who loved her...I'm soooo glad I did this for her...Even though I know the past four years would have been all she would have wanted...I just found myself wanting to do this for her..and wanted it to be nice...perfect even, and it was. The chaplain even included what I wrote for him in her eulogy...the entire thing...The whole service was so loving and personal and Mama was so youthful looking and happy...so at peace...thank God I decided to do this...I pray you find comfort as well..and again, my deepest sympathy to you and your family...